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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:47:15 GMT -5
I recieved an email from my ex ... Posted 3-30-2002 15:17
The email stated that the failed relationship that was between her and I was not her fault completely. Some fault lied on my head. I don't see it that way, but I will give her the voice through my words. I feel that the relationship did fail due to her not communicating with me, trusting me, or even giving me a chance. I feel that she swished me away with her hand, and never heard my voice before coming to a conclusion about how I felt or about my intentions. I believe all the conclusions she came to were fabricated due to lack of interest in the truth, and lack of interest in me. If she really knew me as a person, without having any reservations at all, she would know and be able to pinpoint the exact nature of the problem. I was willing to open everything and give her everything, but was never given a chance. I was always walking on egg shells presuming that she was going to "punish" me by breaking up with me. Which is something that occured often. I was afraid that she was going to walk away. I was a scared girl (not innocent). I had no idea what a relationship with a woman intailed, and always wanted it to turn out perfect. I remember days and nights that I would constantly think of her, and how much I loved her inside. How much I needed her in my life. I thought that I was in a dream land when we were together. I thought that she was a dream come true, but I couldn't tell her. When we met I was so afraid to screw things up, and the reason I threw in the towel so many times is because I didn't understand her, and couldn't understand her intentions or her needs. I never did know or understand what she wanted. I thought I knew but I think I was kidding myself. You see I have realized that I don't really love her, and possibly never did love her, because if I really loved her than I would have known her, and I do not. I feel that I never got the chance to know her because she would not allow me inside of her. She put one hand up and said stop and with the other hand she was motioning me to come here. Now that is the way I feel. How can you ask someone to come in and hold up a stop sign when they do. My life is lived day to day, black and white. Either you love me or you don't there is no in between. THERE IS NO SUCH THINK AS JUST FRIENDS! I have a right to feel un- just. I have a right to voice my OWN FEELINGS on my OWN WEBSITE in my OWN DIARY! I have a right to have a pitty party if I want to. It is my right to feel better by doing so. I can do whatever I want and I am not waiting around to worry about what others think.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:52:48 GMT -5
New site Posted 4-1-2002 21:50
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well soon my new site will be on and everyone will have to re-sign up for names and passwords because I have changed alot of things on it. It is a good thing though. I am changing alot of things in my life and they are for the better. Hopefully if I do choose to use this new service it can be useful for many different things, not that I need to use it but it would be nice to advertize it. No one has free personals any more and I do feel sorry for some people who don't get to use them because they are one of the best ways of finding people on the internet. Hopefully my site will make people come together. Even though iam a bitter bitch that doesn't really give a shit about anyone else except myself (so to speak) lol
When I laid next to my girlfriend last night Posted 4-3-2002 17:23
When I laid next to her, I felt complete. My life has finally taken down the road that I wanted it to. I have finally found someone who has made me want and need to be with her. I have yearned for her all of my life. I love every part of her, especially when we make love. I could hold her in my arms forever and never forget how she feels. Mmm isn't it nice to FINALLY be in love? This will be the last woman I am ever with, because if this doesn't work out then I no longer believe in finding a woman who will be "the one". She is the one. NO one could ever complete me and make me feel so full.
When I think of her Posted 4-5-2002 00:44
When I think of her, my life feels so complete. I love laying in her arms, just to think of her makes me feel privlaged. I feel full and never alone. I miss her touch every moment. Only when I am in her arms do I realize how lucky I am. I have met my match, and I know that now. I don't know how I could have lived without her for this long. She makes me feel like I have never felt. It feels weird to never be alone. It feels good. I hope that she knows that this feeling will never end, unless she lets it. I love her!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:54:16 GMT -5
Well I met a gurl and I mean gurl!! Posted 4-22-2002 14:17
I met this girl for fun, thinking that I was going to be friends with her, or maybe my girlfriend and I would be more than friends with her if we were together. Well I found out that she is only 16 years old. A few days after we met she said she was falling in love with me and I didn't understand why... I did nothing to her to get her to this point. I think I steered her the other way for good. Hopefully anyway! Whew! 16 will get you 20 muskegonfemale from Talk Town I still don't understand and probally never will Posted 3-26-2002 12:35
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know this is going to bug my girl for writing this, probally because I am with her now and it shouldn't matter, but I guess I have to get this off of my chest one more time and then maybe I will forget about it.
I am still stuck on this Tina thing. I still don't understand! I don't understand why she hated me. I don't understand why she even disliked me. I don't understand if she was jelous, and I don't understand why she tried to be my friend. It only gave me mixed signals. Even though she wasn't trying to give me mixed signals. It was my fault because of that. Sometimes I see things that aren't there. Sometimes I want something so bad I begin to believe that things can and will be mended. I believe this now. I believe that the failure of our relationship never had anything to do with me, and my lack of trying. It never had anything to do with my love or feelings for her. If it had, then why am I still upset. I feel jipped and cheated because I spent most of the past 4 years in love with her, hoping someday she would come to her sences and quit acting like Jake was the only thing that could make her happy. I felt that if she had only extended her hand with a little trust in it, we could have been happy. That is also what makes me glad I have what I do now. I feel secure and trusted. I feel I have great relationship. Even though I am still bitter about Tina, I am still mad that I got duked. I don't understand after all that I did, and all that I said how she could just throw me over her shoulder so many times and lead me on the rest of the time. As if I was nothing to her. I thought I was somthing to her, but apparently I was seeing the glass half full when it was really half empty. I felt that if she would only make time for me, and we could only both be willing things would have worked, but.. they never would have and I am coming to realize that. They never would have worked because she wanted me to bow down. She thinks I cheated on her with Angela, because if she didn't think so she would not have said it. She thinks I fucked everyone behind her back, but that is not true. Hell I couldn't find someone to fuck that had everything that I needed for years. I don't know what her version of love is, or if she ever believed that I loved her. I think she believes that I was playing with her, but I wasn't. I feel that as long as I live I will have this bad experiance to look at and say, that was a long goodbye (like the song). The person I am with now is an adult. She takes my word and if she has a problem with what I do she gets mad and tells me right away! I like that. I would rather hear it than be guessing, or have someone giving up on me as a person. Relationships take time. I love her because she takes the time to know me inside. I feel mended by her, and smoothed over like a rock that was under ground for years and years that is sandy smooth. I feel better, and full. I can't explain the feeling of fullness in me. It feels weird. I never get lonely anymore. I never feel afraid, becuase I know it will work out. This time I know she is the "one". I thought it was pretty mean of Tina to say all of the things she did to my girl, just because she wanted to have the last words. It only proved to me that there was never love in her heart. She has never known love. She has a sick love with Jake, and someday maybe she will realize that love has nothing to do with dick, or pussy. It has to do with the life you make. If you love life, then you will love others.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:55:46 GMT -5
The more I think about it the more I realize Posted 3-26-2002 22:08 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it doesn't matter what happend or why, it not really that it makes me angry, its that I feel it was unjustful for anyone to treat me in the manner that I was treated and I am angry about the fact that this woman made me think and feel all these feelings, when I don't understand why she didn't just end it in the first place if she knew she could be nothing to me ever. I always made my intentions clear and never one time did I ever back away from letting her know what I wanted. She knew what I wanted, but couldn't compromise. I know that now. Love is about compromise and patience. It is about feeling with your heart even when it is trampled on. It is about realizing that people are only people and you have to be patient with them for everything that they do. I tried to do that but I couldn't do that with her because no one on earth has that much patience. bi_baby_mich from Talk Town Why would she be mad Posted 3-28-2002 23:47 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How you feel, isn't a reason for her to be mad at you. We all have our own feelings about everything, weather they are right or wrong doesn't matter. Because that is how we feel. Maybe someday you can see that you can go on in your life without worring about how your EX has hurt you. But your feelings are valid and you can't change them. muskegonfemale from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net she says Posted 4-25-2002 22:37 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shortly after I wrote this message she created a new yahoo profile, and in it she put the following words.. "I don't need you I have me" Like I don't know that it was directed towards me. I only wish that I could have had an oppertunity to actually be heard, listened to and actually be believed. When someone is hearing you and listening to you it is two different things. I have a wonderful relationship with my (new) girlfriend. She believes that I am very loving and affectionate. I have not cheated on her or even walked away from her in any manner that could be considered cheating. We rarely fight. This is the kind of relationship I have been waiting for and was wishing for when I was with T, I wanted to have this kind of relationship the whole time. I don't know if it was because she was young, and yes I know I am dwelling on the past again, but sometimes when you see things that remind you of it you just can't help but wonder what the hell? Well I know now that it wasn't me, and the longer I take to "breathe" and feel free from all of the pain that I was put through the more I realize it even deeper. If I had been "the problem" then maybe my opinion, or voice would have been heard or considered just one time. If I would have changed it wouldn't have made a dif. She never knew me, that is why she never loved me. If she did love me, then she would have stayed with me, and or tried harder. You don't punish someone by breaking up with them. You don't walk out on them and pretend that you are okay without them. You don't leave them hanging and wondering "why". All I ever wanted was an answer "why". Maybe I was in lust? I couldn't have loved her because if I had loved her then she would still be here right? I put her up on a petistal. That was a mistake. I looked at her as if every time she snapped her fingers then I would come. Problem is, she didn't snap them. Oh well, her loss. I am afraid for my life Posted 4-28-2002 14:35 In recent weeks I have been dealing with a woman at work, and she is a nutcase. She has said paranoid things such as she thinks someone is following her, she thinks someone is trying to poison her, she thinks they are changing the traffic lights when she drives by remote control so they can give her a ticket. She has given the residents cigs in the middle of the night. Well I have been trying to crack down on her for it, and she isn't liking it all to well. Since when I get to work I go to sleep I do not see her after about 1am. I was just thinking that she could kill me in my sleep (she is awake alone there when I am asleep in the other room). I can barely sleep! It sucks! Now as a result of her I am having dreams that she is going to kill me or something. You may think it is not that bad, but for real, it is that bad. She is affecting the way I sleep. Yeah I get paid to sleep at night. Isn't that cool. Later I am a little upset today Posted 4-29-2002 16:48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I seen my girlfriend on Thursday, which was about 4 days ago. I have called her house on Saturday and Sunday. No responce, nothing! Why am I upset? Well because I think she could have called me back by now. Its Monday and I am not going to call her. I think that she can pick up a telephone! So yes I am upset about this. I don't know what is going on here but it sucks and I am not going to make any more efforts to see her unless she makes the first effort. I think it is rude that she didn't even email me or call me back (and she was on the internet) after I called her 3 times during the weekend, and it also makes me wonder where her priorities are or whatever. I guess I will have to give it some time. These things sometimes work themselves out. Never the less I am still upset, and having a terrible day. You know my job is not that hard, and even if I do have to work on the weekends doesn't mean I can't "pick up the phone". I have a cell phone that is on most of the time so I am not making myself unavailable! It just erks me and makes me really mad. Makes me wonder what is going on. Maybe that makes me sound jelous, but thats life. muskegonfemale from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net 4 days? Posted 4-29-2002 19:00 Well in new development, she left me an email saying she was sick. "Whatever" is what I wrote back. Seriously "whatever"! That is what I think about that. I think that she is sick every other weekend or so! Even if I were sick I would still have the ability to pick up the phone or use the computer unless I were deaf, blind, or my hands fell off. She was so sick that she played 2 turns in scrabble during this weekend but couldn't call me, or email me. Yeah well whatever! I think its a bunch of crap and she should wait another 4 days to hear back from me and I will let her know then if I am still mad! Sorry for my cocky ass attitude but normally when you care about someone they are the *first* ones you call when you don't feel good. Atleast that is what I try to do. I didn't feel "good" this weekend too. I had a sinus infection so bad that my face hurt, but I took some drugs (motrin) and I went to work anyway, and I still called her! Ice Queen [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net OUCH Posted 4-29-2002 23:54 Wow, well all of us handle sickness in different ways, maybe you are stonger than her.Maybe she is having some personal problems that she didn't want to burden you with. There could be a million and one reasons, and the one that is most likely is that she was sick. Sometimes people don't think straight when they are sick. Seems you are being a little rough on your girlfriend. That is just my opinion. By the way, great board. Ice Queen muskegonfemale from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net you may be right Posted 4-30-2002 01:29 You may be right about me being a little hard on her, however I am still angry. I still have the same feelings. I am still so mad that I can't stand it. I feel like "I" should be important enough to pick up the phone for 2 seconds even to just say "I don't feel good." I love her, but I think she should atleast give me the time of day for a second! I feel like this happens all the time, and I am tired of this. I am not tired of her, but I think this is a really bad excuse. I don't feel good, but I still talk, walk, and take care of my kids every single day. I can't quit. I am a mother, and you can't quit that for 18 years! It is a hard job, but I don't stop talking. I know she is not the same as I am, but I STILL think that I am worth a phone call.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:56:57 GMT -5
Ice Queen [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net Woth a call? Posted 4-30-2002 14:24 I don't know your girlfriends side of the story, however if the relationship is otherwise good, I am sure you are "worth" more to her than a phone call. Is she a mom? If not, she has no reason to just "take" it and get on with it. She can allow herself to be sick. As I said before, people handle sickness in different ways. It sounds like you love her very much, and she must love you too, or else it wouldn't be working out at all. Maybe you should be the "bigger" person and make that first call or email. Just my opinion. Love this board!! Ice Queen bi_baby [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net Hey! Posted 5-2-2002 03:37 Girl!! You know you love me... LOL You now know that I was really sick. So Thanx Ice Queen for your support!! I do love my girlfriend with all my heart!!!! I would never "diss" her at all. kinky dreams Posted 5-2-2002 22:13 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been having kinky dreams and weird unusually out of the ordinary sexual cravings. I am getting ENOUGH sex, and I don't know what to do. I am worried that it may be because I now have a girlfriend, and am feeling better about my sexuality. Uhh, but oh what do I do??!!!!!@@#!!! Frustrated again! bi_baby [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net Tell Posted 5-3-2002 05:03 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think you should tell your girlfriend and maybe even your hubby about them and maybe they can help them come true in some way, if that is what you want. ;o) muskegon female [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net Other Internet Females Sending My girlfriend Shitmail About Me Posted 5-5-2002 01:51 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Incase no one knows, my girlfriend and I are in an HONEST relationship. I am completely honest with her and she is completely honest with me. If there is ever a time that someone feels the need to make her believe that I am dishonest with her about something there is always going to be an explanation, and it is not going to be a lie. I joined matchmaker.com recently to tell other people on there about this website. Though I did write 2 women off of there, when one replied back to me I DID infact tell her I had a girlfriend. The other one never replied back to me. I feel that I have a right to write whomever I choose when I am on the internet, and you won't be catching me trying to fuck some other woman unless of course my girlfriend likes her too. This is not funny. Some people believe that I play everyone I come in contact with and I am only going to say that those who believe this, don't even know who I am on the inside. If they would have taken more than a split second to figure out what kind of a person I am then they would know that I am not trying to hurt or put my girlfriend "lower" than any other woman. I have had chances to do that and I don't want to. I love her. I fell in love with her and there is nothing that anyone else can do about it. I am not going to leave her and I am not going to listen to other people who believe that we "can't" make it. We are a bisexual female-female couple and we are going to "make it" We have been together 6 months. Maybe that is not alot to others, but it means alot to me considering my past relationships. I have had a 9 year relationship with my husband, and someday I hope to be reaching that with her. People can try to destroy what I have because they are jelous of me, and are jelous of what I have. They can try to email my girlfriend every time they "think" I am stepping out, but it is not going to work, because we (my girlfriend and I) have an open relationship, and she can "have" my passwords to my any of my accounts. I keep all of my mail that I send to everyone in every single account and "save" everything I have to cover my back, so to those of you who want to point the finger at me because you are jelous, just know, that yes it does bother me, because I am sick of you thinking that I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH but I have my back covered so kiss my fucking ass.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:57:28 GMT -5
This is getting pretty sickening Posted 5-5-2002 18:02 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend has been getting these emails from "someone" every single time I do anything on the internet, such as I joined Matchmaker.com to tell others about this website whom have posted personals on matchmaker. Every person I have come in contact with from there has been told that I have a girlfriend, and I am not going to lie about it. If I were trying to hide the fact that I had a girlfriend I would not have a picture page filled with sexy pictures of us online that anyone can access. I would not have this website where my girlfriend can come her and post any time she wants to. I would not have my picture and hers up in a bisexual club together.. ect.. ect.. ect.. if I were really trying to hide my identity, I would not have all of these things on the internet. Truth is, I am not in the mood to "hide" I do not need the hassles. If I wanted a woman other than my girlfriend then I would get one, and no one would stop me. Least not this "person" who thinks she is being sly by trying to break up my relationship with my girlfriend. I am not trying to meet somone else, and don't need someone else. When I wake up in the morning I think of R, and when I go to sleep I think of her also. I am finally getting some attention from a bi female for a change, and it has been steady and all is good. Why on this green earth would I try to screw it up by going to meet women that are halfway accross the state. It has taken me "this" long to find a woman in my own town and I actually like her as a person. Yeah I am going to screw up my incoming ass to get some from another person! Ha! Yeah right, that makes a hell of alot of sence. I mean a vibrator feels good, but when it comes right down to it, I would rather have some steady pussy (not that that is all she is to me)! Truth is, that if I got with another woman and she went down on me, she would not be as good in bed as R, because I am "all" there when we make love. I am with her 100% and then some. I trust her with my feelings and I can look to her for more than just a little bit of "pussy". When I curl up in her arms it feels as if I never went through whatever I did today, or this week. So at any rate, I think this is pretty sickening, and I am not replying to any more of this bullshit that someone keeps sending to my girlfriend. It is not going to break us up. We LOVE each other. So get used to it! R [guest] from Michigan Love mich.community.everyone.net I agree Posted 5-6-2002 00:32 You go girl!!! I think you are right, by responding to this "person" you are just feeding the "fire" so just let it go. And know that I love you and trust you!! This is just a immature way for that "person" to act out. We are far more mature, and have a honest and loving relationship. We don't need to worry about "shit mail" and "shit people"!!!! ready set go Posted 5-12-2002 20:12 I have been ready and geared to go, I registered a website for 6 years and I am ready to take the challenge to make it be whatever my mind can come up with. I am ready to face the personal attacks, which I recieved from my last website, and I am ready to walk into it knowing that not everyone on the internet is going to like you. I am hoping to give myself someting to "do" on the internet now that I have found a girlfriend. I don't have to look for one anymore.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:00:28 GMT -5
Letting Go Posted 5-20-2002 02:24 Well first of all it has been some time since I have written in my journal online cause I have barely had time to even "think" Let alone try to write in my journal! I have been working several jobs and I am so tired all the time. The time that I do spend at home has basically been healing time so that I can go out and kick some ass again, however things will be slowing up and just when I was getting used to doing this every minute of the day. My subject for this post today is "Letting Go". My problem is that I have a grandma that I love very much whom believes that I am a bad person, and believes that I stole money from my (psycho) father. I don't understand why she would believe him over me, and I don't know why she didn't call me and ask me for the truth, however when I heard that she thought this, I cried and cried and cried for hours until I wanted to throw up. Then I decided that I am through with this. I can't share my life with someone who doesn't want to know the truth, and who doesn't have to courtosy to call me and ask me questions instead of believing a lie that was told to her that I didn't even have a chance to defend myself over. I love my Grandma, and I always will, but I am not going to sacrafice my integrity and self respect to allow her to put me down, and to allow her to say things about me without giving me a chance to defend myself. The problem here is that even if I did want to defend myself I would become the "bad guy" for defending myself when my face is already in the mud. Does that make sense? Well I can't do it anymore. I am not the bad guy. I am NOT going to take second to my dad who has caused so much pain in other peoples lives. I am not going to live this way any more. I have a right to be hurt, because if they knew anything about me at all then they would know for a fact that I never took anything from my father. I don't owe him a darn thing and I have reciepts to prove that I didn't "take" anything from him. While he was gone I kept a log of everything that I spent and made sure that I had it to give to him when he came home. So now that I have been accused of this I feel that I should just let go. I am tired of having to defend myself and my integrity to these people. I am a person of "good" and I don't steal. I have not done anything bad like that in a long long time, and I wish that I would be brought up on some kind of charges, because I am not guilty and I can prove it. However even if I came to them and showed them all of this then I would still be wrong. So What is the point. If I can't defend myself and actually be believed then why do I continue a relationship with them?
second woman stopped to say hi Posted 6-4-2002 18:42
The second woman I was ever with stopped by. I didn't know what to think about it,but she looked beautiful. I remembered the short time that we spent together and my stomach got queasy. I am wondering why she stopped by after all this time. She stated that she has been to hell and back, and that she had a drug problem for a long time. Still, it doesn't matter, she does what she does because she doen't have a clue. I remember seeing her for the first time and she gave me her number and asked me for a ride home. So I drove her. I knew she wasn't looking for anything to jump into, however she came onto me and I liked her alot. I sent her flowers. Just three of them, roses, red. I was just being kind and wanted her to know that I really liked her, not that I was in love with her. I waited and the next time I heard from her she said "Nicole I really don't think we should see each other in that way because I am not interested in long term relationship with a woman and I have decided that homosexuality is just not for me. I remember thinking "Woman you are the one that came onto me" and now (at that time) she wasn't. However 6 weeks later I was in her bed, and I don't know how she got me there, but she did, and we were together. Later I stopped by. I wanted to be her girlfriend, but somehow she let me go. She let me go because she had my number and she still didn't call. Now it has been years, and the time has passed. I wonder what she wants from me. Maybe nothing, but I will never know. I remember being infatuated with her, and now I am not amused. She is beautiful, but I am not amused at her lifestyle. I thought she was "the bomb" when we first met, however now I see her as if she were a tarp with lots and lots of holes in it.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:01:07 GMT -5
The Bet Posted 6-17-2002 03:50 Never Never Never NEVER make bets!!! I bet a woman on a pool game with my girlfriend, that whomever wins has to kiss (the virgin) June. Whomever I was sure I would lose and my girlfriend would win. Though it was a blast, and I did win, I kissed June, not fathoming how it would feel to me. Not realizing that I would be giving into temptation, and giving in. I just did it. I followed through. My heart was racing, and I couldn't think straight. If I would have thought I would have never done it, so I just broke through and kissed her, saving her from the girl that wanted to be with her that night (but uuuugly). The woman had been staring at her all night, she had to get in on the pool game, when we played for the bet, we played it in front of her. We kissed in front of her, and everyone. The whole bar must have thought I was a mac, because I had been kissing R all night, but then kissed June, I did the kissing, she just sat there, shocked I guess. Later she said we needed to talk, now she wants me. Mmm It feels nice to be wanted. LOL Even though I have enough, and feel like I am getting enough attention, a little more couldn't hurt LOL. I have not talked to my woman since this happend. I feel a little bit flushed, and feel like I need to talk to her. I miss her voice. I just always feel I need to talk to her. She keeps me sain far away from the lesbians!!! mmm Posted 6-21-2002 07:03 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I miss my girlfriend, and I miss her touch. I miss spending time just in her arms. I love her very much. bitter pain insainity Posted 6-25-2002 03:51 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My feelings don't matter and that is what it boils down to. I am supposed to just accept that she didn't call me, and that she does this often. I am getting tired of this. WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN!!!This just reminds me why it is just better to find a woman to have sex with and leave it at that. Then atleast you realize that she doesn't give a shit about you. I feel angry, empty and pained. I am begining to push her out of my system. I am begining to not give a shit any more. I am begining to realize that I am the only one here and no other woman is with me. No other woman is next to my side. I feel that I shoudln't have to look for friendship in another woman outside of my girl. She should fullfill me with friendship. I shouldn't have a need to have a best friend and a girl. My girl should be my best friend. I am angry and so hurt. I am tired of this and I wish my eyes would let me sleep, but I am restless. I am just bitter and cold inside. R [guest] from Michigan Free Personals miperson.com It isn't like that at all!!! Posted 6-25-2002 04:55 It isn't even close to like that at all. I admitt I have not called as often as I should, however, you said you were working all weekend. And you know we went out of town all day Saturday... the birthday bash, yeah it was late... how many times does one have to say they are sorry? I love you. muskegon female [guest] from Michigan Free Personals miperson.com why Posted 6-25-2002 13:27 I didn't work all weekend, and I know what time the birthday bash ended and it wasn't that damn late so please don't give me that. Also why are you fighting with me on my own website? This is supposed to be my diary where I can put my own feelings, and I think I have a right to have them. I don't apreciate you down playing them. If I want to feel rotten, or shitty, or even have my very own pitty party then it is my buisness. Yeah I worked all weekend. Mmm so what even if I did, I have a cell phone, and you have called it before. There are three days in a weekend, and I have called you one of them, you called me none. Like I said before, if you want to sit in your house and ignore me and act like I don't matter and miss out on my life then that is up to you. You can do that, but I shouldn't have to reach out for a friendship with another woman. You should be my friend and my girlfriend. You should care about me as a person, and I shouldn't have to push you to make you give a shit, and I shouldn't always have to be the one to compromise my feelings. You should care enough to do it also at times. June Posted 7-9-2002 15:12 I have been "friends" with a lesbian woman for about 2 months now, and her name is June. She has tried and tried and tried to break my girlfriend and I up. We had a big fight (my girl and I) and now my girl thinks that I would actually go for her. (err she thinks or did think at one time). I am starting my own business, and this girl would work out well for the business if it ever got going right. It is our first year. My sister would really like to keep her on, because she can cover a certain area for us, but I would like to let her go, and I do not know what to do about it. She is starting to get on my nerves!!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:01:45 GMT -5
My woman Posted 7-12-2002 21:30 I miss you already. letter to an old girlfriend CM Posted 7-13-2002 23:19 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE RESPONCE TO THIS LETTER IS NOT FOR CM, IT IS FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD BEEN CAUSING RUCKUSS ON MY WEBSITE. THE FOLLOWING LETTER IS FOR CM. I DO NOT WISH CONTACT TO CONTINUE. JUST NEEDED TO VENT. You may respond if you want, but I will probally not answer you. ~me~ --------------------------------------------------- You can do and say what you want. You can believe what you want, and you can chose to make me into the bad person that sits in your head and reminds you of all of the bad times. You can remember me the way your mind rolls onto another bad thought, you can chose to be disguisted by me. You can read into my mind, and into my thoughts and believe that I had or have bad intentions. You can feel any way you want to regaurding me. You have every right. I just wish that you knew the me inside, instead of the deamon you created to believe. I just wish you could have known the giving, loving, kind and wishful dreamer that I am. I just wish that I could have been someone you remember in a good way, but I can't change who I am in your eyes. Just that I couldn't change who you believed I was in your eyes when you and I were hanging out. I couldn't change myself enough to please who you wanted me to be, and you could never give me enough time to allow me to show you everything. I feel that I could have given you more if I had the time to do that, but was never allowed to come close. Never allowed to be who I wanted to be. So be mad, be angry and go on for the rest of your life believing I am evil. I am just happy that I found someone in my life that gives me time to be with her, and gives me time to love her for who she is. I am glad that I met her, and don't regret being with her for one minute. I am actually relieved for once in the past 5 years. I am actually happy that I am not conversing with you. I am actually at peace and not worried about you and I anymore. I actually believe that it was not all me. I just wish that you did. I do not wish to hear from you again. If you mail me I will not read it. I will delete it. I am tired of this game, and it has been a game. I am tired of living as if someday I would be with you or become important to you again. I am tired of wishing that things had turned out different, and hoping that they will change. I am tired of living a hurtful pain inside of my heart asking myself why someone else in your life can put you through so much pain, and you keep him around, but you throw me out like an old rag. I am tired of waiting, wishing, and hoping. I have moved on. I have a wonderful woman in my life, and you can take shots at her. You can try to plow her down, but you will never have me the way you could have had me in the begining. You will never be "that" to me again. Never again will I look at you as if you were a goddess. Instead I will look at you as if you were a mole on my body that has to be removed by the doctor. R, is the doctor. She removed you from my system. So many others have tried to remove you, and I couldn't forget. I am living it now. I am okay with it. I am at peace. I hope you are. love, me muskegonfemale from Michigan Free Personals miperson.com You have been warned Posted 7-12-2002 01:12 You were asked not to post things on my website, and that was your only warning. This may be a website serving the public, but it is privately owned, and you MAY NOT come here and post nasty things about me. I am not saying that you don't have a right to say what you want, I am saying you don't have a right to use my website as a tool to do so. There is a slander law in Michigan and there is also a harassment law. So this is your second notice. DO NOT POST ANYTHING ELSE TO MY WEBSITE. I do have the money to take you to court, and I will. my mother Posted 7-13-2002 23:45 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I was a baby, my mother saved some of my baby clothes for me, and gave them to me when I grew up. I always knew my mother loved me. She loves each of her kids in her own way. She was a catholic when she was a child, and grew up in the catholic church. She later moved on to marry a man who was Christian reformed, after the divorce from my father. I always keep in contact with her, and we talk atleast 2 times a month. We would talk more if I called her, but we work for the same company, and we don't need to call each other. My mother has always supported me, and always loved me. I remember when I was a kid, and we didn't have alot of money. Each year she would go out and get us all these snacks for New Years Eve and we would eat all night and wait and wait.... watching Dick Clarks New Years Rockin Eve. We would stay up until the ball fell and then we would fall asleep in the living room, and not even clean up or put the food away until the morning. We usually had popcorn, chips, chease and crackers with salami and summer sausage. Stewed meatballs and little tiny sausages. We had pop all night, and that was a treat because we were on welfare and had nothing because my father never paid child support, and abandoned us when I was 10 years old. We were loved, and we DID have a mom that loved us, even though we didn't get "new" jeans all the time We always were taken care of. The one thing that I can thank my mom for, for the rest of my life is that she ALWAYS took me to the doctor. Even when I was faking it, and, she ALWAYS got my teeth fixed. She gave me great dental care, and always paid for it out of her own pocket because we DIDN'T HAVE MEDICAID we only had ADC. She worked 3 jobs 2 part time and one full time, to put cloths on our backs (4 of us). She was and still is a wonderful woman and role model. So anyone who thinks that my mother didn't love me, doesn't know what they are talking about. Maybe my mom and I didn't always get along, but we were always loved. ALWAYS!!!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:03:00 GMT -5
I wish Posted 7-14-2002 15:04
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish that people didn't judge before they actually met someone. I wish that some people didn't expect others to change for them. I wish that some people knew what the meaning behind crass people's jokes are. I wish that people knew how it felt to know me on the inside. I looked for a female for myself for a long time. I looked because it was all I could do to keep sain. When I wasn't looking I was miserable, and when I was looking I was miserable. I remember how it felt to want a woman's skin next to mine. It was a terrible yearning that no one could ever understand, unless they are a bi female. I remember how it felt to be trapped, and not be able to show my emotions. I felt like I was the "only" one in the world who knew how it felt to want to love a woman. I remember the feelings clearly. When I do see a bi female "searching". I feel so bad for her. I know the feeling of looking for a needle in a haystack. I remember it all to clearly now..... I didn't build this website for R, I built this website for me. I have always been a "writer". If it seams as if I am writing so much, it is because I am. I am writing for my life. I am writing for my feelings, and I am writing for my love. I have a right to feel and have feelings inside of my head. I discuss them on my website, because it is my avenue to get out all of my fears and insecurities. It is also a site that is geared towards bisexual women, hoping that they can also some day understand the loving, caring, and softness of a true bisexual relationship. It takes alot to be with a woman for the rest of your life. It takes alot to want her in the same way that you want your husband. Feelings get hurt more easily than in a regular relationship. Women are harsh to each other and they pick at each other too. Still, I love her. I look into her face every time I see her and I think of how it would be without her. I think of the search and the need, want and hurt that I went through. I love her in every way I possibly can.
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH Posted 7-16-2002 04:42
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THIS MAY BE GRAPHIC PLEASE BE AWARE BEFORE YOU READ THIS
K and D were on the highway, driving down I96 headed to Muskegon tonight to see their relation here. The car they were in was run off of the road by another yellow vehicle and was thrown into the middle of the road. My sister M, was driving back from Grand Rapids, and she seen the accident laying there in the middle of the highway, and stopped because it was bad, and no ambulance was there yet. She got out of her car, and yelled "Everybody move, I know CPR". Little did she know, that the young girl that was there, was crushed under the car. Her mangled body was on one side, and her head was crushed under the weight of the vehicle. M, checked her pulse and she still had one. Then as she stood there the girl shook. M, and RB (her friend) spoke out to her. They said "D, you have to hang on, we are praying for you". They couldn't give her CPR because she was under the car, and they couldn't do anything. They held her hand and held her tight. Everyone prayed and prayed. There were quite a few people there praying outloud and telling her to hang on. "Fight for your life" M, and RB said. They prompted her to hang on. Her body began to shake and she could no longer hang on. She passed away while M and RB held her.
M called the family in Muskegon to tell them to call the hospital, she could not bear to tell them over the phone that the child had passed. Later the family called her back and told her that the child had passed. M, said "I know.... I held her hand when she died"." I am sorry, I couldn't tell you".
M, my sister came to me with this story, and we went to lay white roses on the site of the child whom passed. M, said she must have been about 16 years old. She said that they were very good looking girls and so young. K (the other on in the car) lived. This may be the first time you have heard this story, but it will probally be on the news. It will probally not be this detailed. I guess what I am asking from you all, is that if you go past mile marker 14 (towards muskegan from grand rapids) right before the 88th street bridge please lay some flowers there if you are compelled to do so. If you can't bring yourself to stop for a moment, and be glad it wern't your kids, please please say a silent prayer and bow your head right now for a moment. We have made a vow to stop, every single time we see and accident. We will never forget D, or K, as long as we live. Thanks for reading this story.... Myself from Michigan Free Personals MIPERSON.COM That is very sad Posted 7-16-2002 14:14
Your sister is a sweet person to stop to help others. She should be commended for that. We need more people like her around.
Thought For The Day Posted 7-18-2002 02:32
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People are worth it. Even if you only knew them for 5 minutes of their lives.
Where your nose doesn't belong. Posted 7-18-2002 15:54
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have learned to not get involved in other peoples relationships on a personal leval. When you butt into other peoples relationships, that is all you are doing is butting in. If they don't want to hear your opinion they won't listen to you anyway. You are only making yourself look like and asshole when you stick your nose in other peoples business. You have no idea what kind of a relationship they have between them. Not all people are for monogomy. Please think about this when you are making comments regaurding other people. When someone loves another person for who they are, its not your business to attempt to crush the emotions that they have. It only makes you the "third" person. lesbisim from Michigan Free Personals MIPERSON.COM I agree Posted 7-19-2002 07:39
I agree with you =-) I am going to........... Posted 7-22-2002 20:57 This weekend husband and I am going to the nudist colon!!!!!!!! I asked R, to go but she is not sure about going. Wants to hear the stories before she tries it for herself. I say GO GO GO !!!!!!!!! Naked people everywhere lol! Just wanted to try it once in my life. I hope there is no one nasty that I have to see! Ewww!!!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:03:57 GMT -5
misc... bullcrap in my mind of minds!!! Posted 7-24-2002 19:01
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met this man while I was working the very first job I ever had. His name was Don. We call him QuickDraw ... Its just a silly little nickname we made up a long time ago. I used to hang out with him after a while, but it was hard to get to know him because he was a very private person and he liked to hang out with the guys alot. Get drunk, pass out, do stupid things ect... When I did the party for Bill I seen him there afterwards, and I gave him my number hoping that we could talk. Well we got together last night, and it was like old times. We talked. He looked like shit but oh well. Since when did he care about looking nice? LOL! Anyway we finally had the heart to heart that I think I needed for a long time. It has been years since I seen him. We talked in his van (I am more brave with him than I used to be). I said to him, "You remember when we first got involved, and it was really good" He said "Yeah it was good, it was good". I said " The reason I disapeared on you was because I found out I was pregnant and I was so ashaimed that I could never be what you would want me to be that I couldn't see you anymore, and I am sorry" He said "Well thats understandable". I felt bad and I looked down at the floor because I was upset. I know it seams like a forever ago thing to talk about but we were infatuated with each other a long time ago and I thought that he deserved an explanation. He was pretty mad to find out that I was married. He said he would like to see me again if I would let him. I said I would see him again. I don't know how to explain it, but we were never in love with each other, I think we were just friends, kids, messing around, and it was fun. It ended though, and I am kinda glad it did because I don't think he is the marrying type of person. He is one of those guys that in 5 years he would get me a ring, but in 15 years we would get married. Like I want to wait that long. I would have been angry and upset. He has a drinking problem, and I don't think he would ever stop doing that. I wish he would but you can't make someone change if they don't want to change. He is like a little kid when it comes to maturity, and cleanliness, but he is like a grown man when it comes to what is from the heart. I don't think I could ever love him, atleast not for the way that he is right now, but I know that I remember the twinge of hurt when I realized this so many years ago. Realizing that he would never be able to give me what I needed. That kinda sucked. When I met him he was ALOT more clean cut, and he took better care of himself. Now he has really let himself go. He asked me if I thought he was losing weight. I didn't answer. Oh well atleast I didn't lie. "R" [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I only have one word for you...... Posted 7-25-2002 00:07
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GROSS!!!!!!!!!!! LOL miperson [guest] from MIPERSON.COM FREE MICHIGAN PERSONALS all i can do is laugh Posted 7-25-2002 17:08
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- R, when I was talking to you on the phone about him and you said all that stuff my brother could hear us talking and he was cracking up so hard tears came to his face. Laughing about D not taking a shower!! LOL I know its not nice, but he does need to take a shower!! "R" [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries It is the truth! Posted 7-25-2002 19:17
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, it was true, wasn't it? He does need to shower, I mean everyone, should be clean. It isn't that hard to do!! And it isn't that hard to wear clean clothes, for goodness sakes! Glad y'all got a laugh outta it though! LOL LOL gobbledegoop Posted 7-30-2002 02:00
Right now this website is working out well, and I love it so much. I can't believe I am in love with my site. I think it is great. Hopefully it will pick up around here. I had a great weekend and am now working again and plugging away at. I miss my girlfriend already. I was at her house playing on webcam lol. I miss her touch already.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:04:38 GMT -5
it has been very hard Posted 8-4-2002 21:46
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have tried to think of something to say, and I have tried to write in this diary all week, but I am having a rough week and I don't really feel like explaining my life to people. I had a very bad experiance last week, and my heart is in a bind. I miss my woman and I love her. My head is okay and I am moving forward. The weekend was hard to think about and hard to deal with, now it is almost over. I have an appointment with the doctor tomarrow, and am looking forward to it.
A 10 year promise I broke sheesh!! Posted 8-6-2002 19:52 10 years ago I had a boyfriend. His name was Brian. We broke up about 91/2 years ago or something like that, but had been together for a couple years. I was young, and he was older. He was a musician, and not ugly either. He was very fine looking and I remember him being the only man I was ever actually attracted to that I wanted to be with in a relationship. Anyhow, when we were younger we made a discovery concerning the quality of cd's can be conserved on a metal tape, and we vowed to never buy cd's and to never buy anything that had anything to do with cd's as long as we lived. I'd seen him 2 years ago, and I finally asked him the burning question inside of me, and he said "yeah I did break the promise" and I told him " Oh you are so wrong!!!! I never broke the promise" He said "so you don't own any cd's" and I said "yeah I own cd's but none that I have bought, and only ones that other people have purchased for me." He laughed. I told him that I didn't own a cd player, that I was so cheap I used my computers cd player to play my cd the "only" one that I owned. He laughed again and then we had a heart to heart about old times. Anyway, the point is... I bought a cd player at Meijer the other day... (eeeeeeeeeek). Lame? Lame promise??? Can you say... 10 years ago lol... I even felt bad for breaking it... Oh well
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:09:56 GMT -5
I went to see a counselor Posted 8-8-2002 00:57
I went to see a counselor per my doctor asking me to due to the occurance that happened on the 28th of July. I am not going to speak of it to much however I will say that I was sexually abused by a man (not my husband) and I don't want to discuss it further. I never felt that I could trust a counselor, but she actually had some things to say that I wasn't expecting and I feel better about the experiance so far. I don't know if I feel good about going to see her, but I do feel good that I did once. I am worried however that my insurance won't pay for it. I am also not in the mood to be paying the bill all by myself. I have not been able to speak of this problem on my website because I am so shamed by it, and I feel so guilty. I am glad I am seeking proper medical attention however and am hoping things go well. Sorry I am so general, but I can't help it. My feelings and trust have been broken lately and I don't trust anyone. Bi_Baby [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries It will help!! Posted 8-8-2002 03:18
I know that it is hard, and it does cost money to go to a counceler (Lord do I know!! LOL ) But, I really believe that in the long run, it helps!! ALLOT!!! I am, for one very proud of you for stepping up and doing what is best for you!!!! I know you can do it, it is a BIG challenge, but I know that you are goona make it through it!!!! And I am SOOO happy that in just one session that you feel good about going!!! You know I love ya!!!!!!! ANYTIME you want or need to talk, just call me!!! I am here for ya baby!!! muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries don't be to thrilled Posted 8-9-2002 04:10
Don't be to happy because it may not last. I don't need to waste more of my time and my money paying someone to watch my children while I go talk to someone who doesn't even know me; about my problems. I also don't have the energy to pack a crapload of kids up to take them somewhere. As if my schedule isn't full enough! It won't last. Not to be mean, but its honestly the way it is.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:11:18 GMT -5
My Amore Posted 8-21-2002 00:46
My Amore was a poem he wrote to me so many years ago. I thought that I could not get over the feeling it felt to have a man actually feel this way about me. I felt so desperately close to him. I wanted to be with him all the time and was crazy for him every time I seen him. He thinks that I chose my husband over him, but I never meant it that way. I never wanted it that way. His marriage didn't hurt me until his wife found out. I never knew how to express that to him. I loved him so deeply and loved what we did every time we did it. I thought so highly of him, and sometimes still do. I wonder if it would have been us had she not been there. I wonder if he would have cheated on me as he did with her. I still feel that twinge of jelousy in my heart when I think about it. I feel sad, knowing that I ever gave his class ring back to him. I should have kept it forever, but what good would it do? I guess I look back and I still remember how it felt to hold him the way that we did. It may have turned out as an affair, once apon a time, but when I had those feelings for him, I didn't know that they would ever come back up. Lately I have tried to shut him out. Walk away and I have not been to bed with him in a long time. I often times wondered if that was all he was after. I loved him as he was, but never understood if he knew me as me or if he just listened and waited to see if I was still in love with him. I never asked him, and I don't think I want to know. I wonder sometimes if I should get involved again, but then I realize that my kids and my life are very important to me. I only have the memory of his kiss on my lips late at night. The feeling that I wanted him so bad. Not worried about his wife because I wanted to be the one in her shoes. I honesly thought that she would go away some day, but I was young and niave. I didn't know that he wanted me and her at the same time. When I laid with him, it felt so right, but I walked because I didn't want her on me. I didn't want her to tell me what she thought of me. I felt that half of the responcibility laid on his shoulders, and she should have realized that, but that is also what I wanted. I wanted her to go. I just always thought that she would. Now I am glad that I gave into my husband. The man that I thought couldn't hold a candle to Joe. He is sufficiant, and a good man. He loves me, and it took many years to find him inside of my heart. It took many years to think of him as a loving father and husband, but he is, and I am glad. I don't know what to think of you ... Joe, but I know that it was very fearful when your wife found out. I felt like I was going to win, but then I didn't win. I felt like I was going to have you, but I didn't get you in the end. You said you wanted to still see me but I though "whats the point". I wanted you the way she had you or nothing at all. I wanted to be in your bed every night and didn't know how I could make it on my own. I chose Mike because he didn't force me to make it on my own. Does that make sense? I miss you.. I have alot of un answered questions, and don't know why it feels like the wound is still open. Love me
If I could turn back time Posted 8-26-2002 21:12
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So the song goes "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, then baby, baby, maybe, youd'e stay. If I could reach the stars, I'll give them all to you. Then maybe, maybe, you'd love me, like you used to do. If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back those words that would hurt you and you'd stay. If I could reach the stars, I'd give them all to you."
For many years I felt that way about my father. After I found him, I could no longer cry. I could no longer want to have him here. I found my life full. Now that he is gone again, my life is relieved. I don't have to listen to his psycho babble. I cried to many songs listening to them lately, just thinking about how it would feel to have a real father. Someone who was everything he was in the first ten years of my childhood. He is still my father, and I will always love him. I have realized that he is sick and needs help. I don't think he will ever get help, and though we are all mad at him, I still love him. I feel cheated by him. He cheated my life. I am angry, but also have to realize that it is a source that is not emotionally available.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:12:42 GMT -5
What really ticks me off Posted 9-5-2002 15:56
What really ticks me off today is Joe!!!!@!! HE attempts to contact me. I wrote him back, but HE DIDN'T WRITE ME BACK AGAIN. That ticks me the hell off. What kinda crap is that? Like I want to sit here and take the time to write to him and not recieve a reply. I just wanted to know what the hell his problem is. I have known him for 9 years and he just stops talking to me all of the sudden. It just really gets on my damn nerves. I am not even going to try anymore. If he wants to be a jerk, and not talk to me, even though we both have email and have known each other for 9 years then that is his fucking problem! We only live 5 blocks apart!!!!@@#!!!@#!@!#!@#@#! OOOOOOOH HE PISSES ME OFF! I am so glad I have a husband to keep my mind off of him. I have a half a mind to go over there and just piss everyone off! Fucking jerk! Thanks for allowing me to get cocky!
muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I wanted to say Posted 9-7-2002 06:10
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its not all men that I hate, its just easy to blame them when there are a large amount of insesitive jerks out there. I am so angry right now at one of them that I just can't believe I allow myself the time of day to even be angry. I try to chalk it up to "its just a man thing" but somehow my efforts are piled on the back burner because the front is burning blazing and hot blue flames are sparking as if grease hit the flame for a split second and burned into a crisp. You make me mad Joe, because you don't pay any attention to me. Not that I need one more partner, not that I need one more friend, but because you don't care for someone for 8 years and just stop. Bi_Baby from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries He isn't worth your time! Posted 9-10-2002 03:00
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In my humble opinion, he isn't worth your time, just let it all go... like gather all those emotions and feeings and roll them into a ball then throw the ball as far as you can away from you... let it all go! meq [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries easy for you to say Posted 9-12-2002 02:23
You know what, it seams silly, but the reson It really gets to me is because HE CONTACTED ME! Now he doesn't want to talk to me! That doesn't make a hell of alot of sense!
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