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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:13:33 GMT -5
I missed him Posted 9-15-2002 17:16
I have been working so hard, it seams like these bills will never get paid! I don't even want to see them in my house!!! I want them to GO AWAY! Sheesh! I missed my husband this week. Together we are cleaning the house today! Lucky me! Just can't believe it. I hope I can keep up with this website. It doesn't seam like it but I have been falling behind. I haven't even gotten all my mail posted on here, and I need some people to post in some diaries. I feel like I have failed on this site so I hope that I can kick some ass on it and get it going. Talk to you all later. Love me
Whats new? Posted 9-19-2002 11:54
Well almost 2600 people from Michigan have visited my site and I am happy about that, however not satisfied. I think that many many more people need to come here. Anyways, the other day my girlfriend and her husband took me out shooting for the first time. I was so excited that I actually hit the target when I did. LOL. It took me about 30 shots to hit it. Anyways, that doesn't sound good does it? I have been working on this site alot lately, and am actually glad to say that it is up and running well. I just have to work out a few bugs. The reason I created this site is to prove that I can do it. I can be as good as the other guys, and this is all just html. I can't wait till I get my cgi program. I hope the old man gets it for me for christmas, but somehow I doubt it. It is looking like I am going to be paying some medical bills off when taxes come back. The city is still on my ass about the taxes. I am worried, but will get it squared away soon. I missed doctors appointments the other day. I need to quit doing that!!@!! What the hell is wrong with me, I used to be more self sufficiant. I just have a lot on my mind with the babies to take care of. I miss my husband all the time even when he is being a jerk. Yesterday I went off on him and I was angry because we were supposed to have supper and the kids were hungry at 5:30, he wasn't home, so I waited.. they cried.. so I gave them a snack... they still cried... so I went to mcdonalds and got them burgers and was back (after driving like a bat out of hell) at 6:40pm and man was I mad.
Last night I had a dream Posted 9-29-2002 18:42
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a dream last night that my daughter N, was molested, and killed. We were searching for her body in my house, because we got tips that the person who did it left it there. So I picked up the coffie table, like I always do when I am cleaning the living room, and trying to get things done, and I tore out the carpet. With a shovel, I shoveled up the floor and when I got to the dirt, I placed my hands in it, and simply sifted through it until I found her lifeless body. I picked it up, and I wrapped it in a towel. Then I held her, as if she were still alive. I wished she were still alive. I prayed that she take one more breath, so that I could do something to save her. I then handed her to my husband who began inspecting her bruises, and not in a sickley manner, but a loving one, he rubbed them, each and every one of them, and then we wrapped her back up again, and we held her until the police came. Then I woke up, and went to the living room to see if she was there, and she was.
My dad Posted 10-3-2002 12:26
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My sister F, thinks it would be a good idea to have someone adopt us because she feels it would bring closure. I feel that it would be a good idea also, however don't know any men that I would want to have as my dad, and frankley I don't think I want to look for one. I don't know if I would want his name taken from me, however I am so angry right now I probally would. I am getting over it more and more and the days pass by. I am angry because he abandoned us, and now he is doing the same to them. I am angry because I have to answer questions to them about why their dad is gone, and when he is coming home. I remember being that hurt as a child also. I am getting over it and begining to understand that you can't make someone be something they are not, and you don't have any way of making them take responcibility.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:14:27 GMT -5
Bi Baby [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I don't think that is the answer.. Posted 10-3-2002 21:28 I really don't think that having someone/ a man "adopt" y'all is the answer to the problem. I know your dad is a jerk and all. However... he is still your dad, plain and simple. I think y'all need to just accept what happened with your dad, you were children and couldn't change the situation. Even as adults now, you can't change him or what has happened, or what will. You have no control over him/his emotions, his actions, his thinking or lack there of, or any other part of him. He is an adult and makes his own desiions about how he thinks he wants to live his life. Right or wrong.. he is responcible for it. It was all his problems, not yours, and either learn to accept it and decide that is just the way he is and forgive, but NEVER forget, and go on. Or don't forgive, but still put it behind you and go on. Most of you are all adults now, and need to be adult about this as you have children of your own and need to consintrate on teaching them the best you can. As for answering questions to "them" the younger ones, be honest and as nice and as subtle as you can when answering them. They are still young and tender, and need some compassion, they sure aren't getting that from their father, and lets face it, y'all might just have to step up to the plate and take over that "father figure" for them. Is it your responsibility? NO, but it is something that happens, and I know first hand, how hard it is to step up and try to be a parent to a sibling. IT IS HARD.. but someone has to do it. Life is not easy.. though I sure with it were! ) I am not trying to trivialize this or hurt anyone's feelings, or put down anyone at all, in any way, I just don't think that "adoption" is gonna help in the way you think it might. What do you expect to "feel" when and if someone else adopts you? Will it make everything better and bring closure? I don't think so. Why? Cuz y'all haven't dealt with the "problem", faced your fears so to speak, and then accept and move on. Having an adopted father, doesn't change the fact that you have a "biological" father out there, and though he may be wrong and a jerk, he is still out there, and the problems still will excist even after "adoption" as you haven't quailed your demons with him.. (so to speak) This is just my humble opinion, you can take it or leave it. Just wanted to let ya know though what my feelings on this were. Whatever you chose I will be there for you.. no matter what! Luv you! Jerks Posted 10-6-2002 17:12 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to get gas on saturday and the sign said that you had to pre pay so I did then I came back out and this idiot guy was about to pump it into his truck. So I went up to him as nice as I possibly could and told him I just paid for that gas. He didn't care, he pumped it into his tank anyway and ignored me, so I went back in to see if the people would give me my 5.00 in gas on another pump. They put it on the other pump and the guy started cussing becuase it stopped at five dollars and he intended on putting more in. So I said to him, "You know if you knew how to read you wouldn't have a problem." Then he called me a fat heffer and went into the gas station. Lucky for him he darted right back out of there because I was getting ready to spit all over his truck but he made it back out before I could. Then I proceded to tell him that just because he was skinny (toothpick) doesn't make him any smarter than I am because I am fat. I got in my car and he said "Well I am going to college". As if that were going to cure his inability to read. I drove off. Lucky for him I was in a rush. !!@@@#@#!@!@ Stupid Jerk!@$@#%$$#% I can't trust them Posted 10-7-2002 19:35 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just can't trust my job. I am there, and I love it, but it will end. We will see someday. This can't last forever! They boot people as if they were water that they put down the drain. Mmm I don't trust them. My boss has been complimenting me on doing my work and I still don't like to hear it. It really kicks me in the ass they way that they fire people left and right. I don't know what to say. I know of one woman who knows I am bi, and I am waiting for her to slip up and tell someone. I am worried that the person may tell my co workers and no one will say a thing, they will just "know" I love being bisexual, but I don't know if I can handle my co workers knowing. The way that they fire people there for no reason is obsurd. I know that they always supposidly have proof, but I don't know if I can ever trust them again. I am mad. I will always be mad too! I just think they are shitty about everything to everyone and I am not going to pretend it aint happening. I am waiting for it to happen to me. Yeah I love my job but the upper management sucks! I can't believe that we are sitting her doing this crap! angry Posted 10-8-2002 01:43 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am angry at my husband because he told me this weekend that He would take me out to eat on Monday because I had to work all weekend. He bitched me out this weekend, and he has been a jerk all weekend. I am really sick of this. Then he comes home and works on SBL stuff all night long. He asks me if I want to have Little Ceasers Pizza instead of going out to eat. I say "no" He takes me out to eat at the last minute then he decides he has to drive back to SBL and it can't wait till tomarrow. Did he ask me if I had plans? Did he even care that I need some time to myself? NO!!!!!!! I am angry, and have a right to be angry. I am annoyed to. I busted my ass on this house all day and I didn't get any apreciation for it. Now I am dog tired and I am cranky, and guess who is here alone with the kids? ME! My fears Posted 10-9-2002 04:59 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have many fears about my relationship with R, one of them is that I will walk. I have a fear of that because I have been in the past known to be a dog. I have walked out of 90% of relationships with women whom I have been with. Most of them becuase the relationship itself didn't make any sense at all. The second fear I have is that I will lose her, not to another woman, but just in the sense that she won't want me anymore in one form or another, sexually, or emotionally she will lose interest. The third, and mose intense fear that I have, is when she passes, who will contact me if her husband is gone? I am so scared that one day I will come, and no one will be there, and I will be stuck trying to figure out what happend. Who to contact, and not knowing anything because I definately don't read the paper. I know it seams crazy to think of that now, but not everyone knows I am with her, and they don't know how to contact me. Only Mary knows me, and I don't know if she would think of that. Hopefully she would. Then I can see myself staring there and crying, but the family doesn't know me, and I could not reach out to anyone. I am scared of that. I think of these things because I intend on being here. I intend on making a life with her. I intend on trying to be not just the "girlfriend" but the best friend that I can be. Even though Mary is her best friend, I can be the "best" friend I can be to her, and I won't ever regret it. I guess the reason I am scared of leaving her, is because I am so intolerant, and piddley, that I get upset easily. I don't think she will let me go. I think that she lets me far enough to feel the shirt tug that she has a grasp on the back of, and then she snaps me back again, and gives me a pinch of reality. I like that about her. I like that she gives me the space that I need, and then she pulls me in so that I can feel her once again. Not to forget how good it feels to have her inside of me, with me 100%. She is the best woman I have ever been with. Maybe that is why losing her scares me so much. I try not to think about it. When I get the oppertunity to make friends with another bi woman (other than her) I try not to think about the "bi" part. I try to only be with R, in my head. I try to only see her inside of me. I try to listen to my head and brain when it comes to situations that I can't handle. I look for answers within myself that will work for her also. There have been people that have accused me of not loving her, or caring for her, but they don't "know" me. They think that they can sit on the side lines and judge me, but they are not "in" here. They are not the ones that have to deal with the fear. They are not the ones who have to live with the worry of ever losing someone like her. She is not just a "girl". She is not just a peice of ass either. She has everything. She fills me. I have no need for pussy. Like it makes a differance in my life one way or the other. If you look at a diamond, a ruby, or a pearl, she is not the man made kind. She is the one that is real, from the earth. Like a wild flower that is not grown, but so beautiful when it blooms, that no factory flower could touch its beauty. She doesn't have to take my breath away, because before I get to her door, it is gone. No one will ever touch that.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:14:56 GMT -5
R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Please don't worry! Posted 10-10-2002 00:21
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is no need to worry!! I know you too well, and your right I will let you go just far enough to have the space to be mad at me and stuff, but then I am gonna reel you back in and show you how much you mean to me. The only way I am leaving you is if I know and feel in my heart that, that is what you really want. And you are my "best friend"!!! And I do have family members that have promised me that they will contact you if anything ever happens to me. And you will have someone to connect with, I know you will! And I don't plan on "passing" any time soon, so don't worry! LOL I don't think of getting "pussy" anymore either. I have everything I need, in YOU! You are not just my "girlfriend" you are my best friend, my lover, my everything! I feel compleate with you!! My fears part II Posted 10-10-2002 20:27
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today R, said to me that there are ppl who "say" they will call me if something ever happens to her, and that there are people that will know who I am and I will have ppl to lean on when or if something ever hapend to her. I still fear that there won't be. I am usually right about these things. I am not saying that it will turn out the same way, but it is just one of the things that I think about. It is many many years away from now, and I am going to try to do everything I can do to be here and not think about those things, but one of the hardest things for me is dealing with death, or even the thought of it. I worry every day about things like that. As if I can't get enough of certain people in my life. Today I cried again, in the car (is this normal?) when I heard a song that reminded me of my brother and sister. "One More Day". When they were taken from us, that is how I felt. If I had one wish and it could be for anything, it would be for one more day with them. It was a very painful and hard time that we went through having to give the kids up, and then all of the sudden our hearts sunken into our chests, crying and crying on each others shoulders every single day. This is the pain that my dad had to put us through. Then to find out that we could even see them was a miricle. It was me that did the grunt work on the visitations at first. I couldn't let go. I wouldn't let them out of my life. They were so important to me. I wanted thier hearts. I wanted them to remember me and to never be in someone else's arms and forget my face. I wanted my face imbedded into their heads as if I were their parent. I didn't want my dad to ever be able to take that from them, so that one day if they were gone for good they knew "for sure" that they had a sister and that my dad was full of crap if he said that they didn't. I worried about this day in and day out when Benjamin was growing up. I worried that he could never find us, and I gave him hints as to where we lived every time I visited him. One day I showed him on his hand where in Michigan I lived, so that he could remember. Dad didn't like that very much at all. He was a little pissed. I wanted Benjamin to find me. I was afraid that my father would take him from me, and use him to hurt me emotionally. In the end, we "used" Ben and Michelle against him. We used them to tell dad to get the hell out of our lives forever. We used Ben and Michelle, however when we did, we were protecting them. We were standing up for them, and realizing that he would only abuse them more was our focus. Today I fear that Benjamin will hate me. I fear that Michelle will not believe what I say, and I fear that they will seek their father out no matter what I say, only to get their asses burned in the first place. I love them, and I can only pray in my head and heart that my dad stays away, and that he dies before they are 18. It may sound cruel, but if you knew this man, and all the things that he has done, you would completely understand what I am saying. To salvage their mental health they need someone in their lives that is steady, and someone who loves them for who they are, not for the cash they bring in.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:16:47 GMT -5
well why dwell? Posted 9-30-2002 17:03 Okay so I am a dweller! Shoot me! I was driving home again and I was thinking about her. The one that I spent so many years confused about, but thought I loved her. Mmm must not have really known who she was. I thought that I could be whomever I wanted to with her, and that she would like me for who I was, mmm sadley mistaken. The more I thought about it the more I realized how fucked up I was back then. The main goal was all still the same. To meet a woman who would like me and allow me to have a husband at the same time. To meet a woman whom also had a love in her life, and didn't mind it at all. The goal was a bit jagged back then because I thought that no woman would ever hurt a woman. I thought that they all knew how it felt to be hurt and was under the impression in my head that they were compassionate individuals that would think of the other person first. Not that I do that all the time, but with another woman I try. I try to be as honest as possible becuase when you are hurt by a woman it feels worse than when you are hurt by a man. It feels as if you have been cut by both sides of a double bladed knife and one side was dull. I thought about the times that I tried so hard, and what I could have done wrong, but it came to my attention, 2 seconds after the thoughts came into my mind, that it doesn't matter if I had or had not done anything wrong. That the part of my life back then was gone now, and I could have done nothing more to try to make it work. That my words wer obviously just sing songs in the winds when I whispered them, because they blew away just as easily as they could converse from my lips. The words that I remembered so deeply and severly for years, and tried for so long, now haunt me sometimes. Thoughts of "why" I let myself fall so hard, and why did I let myself get so involved, and why did I want what I could obviously not touch with words or emotions enough to move the person. I kick myself every day for wasting 4 years of my life loving someone like that. I kick myself for loving her and now allowing myself to look away. Promising myself if I would be alone, and not look for anyone that maybe she would seek me out, but the main reason I kick myself is because I realize now, that I have snapped out of it, how fucked up it was. How I could have walked away sooner. I should have broke away before my kids were even born. I could have looked away and ran and never looked back, but I didn't, and I regret that. I wish I would have just ran while I had the chance. I feel like I wasted years of my life loving the wrong person, when I could have come home to my husband every single night, and I could have loved him more completely. I would have never had to lean on him and tell him, what I told him that night with tears in my eyes, when I said "I have been in love with a woman for 3 years and she is not in love with me". It was so hard to tell him that, and it was probally hard for him to hear, but now its all over. I have a new song, one that I sing loudly, when I hear it inside I feel justified. It is "I'm moving on" the country song. I think it is by Rascal Flats. It totally describes how I feel towards this person. It also totally describes how I feel towards my father. The song is my theme song for the year. I am not going to put myself through meaningless bitter pain anymore. "I am moving on, and now I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me and I know, there's no gaurentee but I'm not alone, There comes a time, in everyone's life when all you can see is the years passing by and... I have made up my mind that those days are gone... I'm moving on." When I first heard the song last year I though "Oh that is a nice song but who's it about". Till I realized that it is about me. It is all about me. I am finally healing from him, and walking away, and I am healing from her, and have finally walked away. I don't find myself bitter over the relationships anymore. I just sometimes contemplate how it all became so fucked up. I think maybe I was sick upstairs to believe that either one of them ever loved me. enchantress_0114 [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries You sound like me! Posted 10-9-2002 05:23 I just walked into your site and started reading, I must admit I found myself thinking this all sounds to familier. I been in a few relationships and as I am alone right now well not really alone I am married but when i say alone I mean without a women to share my desires, secretes, friendship, fun, and smiles with. I allowed myself once to fall for another women it was a scary site as she stalked me after she hurt me and I said for her to leave me alone. I wont bore you with the details. Then i had a few women that i met that wanted me to leave my husband so they were a no go. Then i met a lady and at the time she was married. But a major game player. I have known her for 3 years and only time we have spent together was when she wanted it and that has only been 3 times. Not exactly what I had in mind. I want to find a female that will share all aspects of my life with in and out of the bed. I guess you would call it a best friend with the added bonus. But it seems impossible to find it. I live in a small town and I am new to the area. Finding someone is difficult. I dream about the special person but I can never see a face. Only a darken figure that is just out of my reach. I guess I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in how you feel I share your feelings and your emptiness. Wishing you the best and I hope you find your special someone. Thanks for taken the time to read this. D
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:17:14 GMT -5
muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Hi Posted 10-10-2002 00:46 I am really glad that you read my site. It took me a long time to learn how to be "myself" and not have to worry about what others like about me. When I first started this diary I was worried about what my friends might think of me, (even though there are very few of them)and was worried about what my family would think. Knowing that they would have access to my personal feelings and be able to read up on them really got to me for a while. When I started this diary, it was on a personal home page. It was through yahoo geocities, and then I transfered it here and made it into a "sight". While I was in the proscess of doing that, I met someone, and she is "the one" (hopefully). It has been almost a year now. It seams like yesterday that I met her. I was so excited and went out to Olive Garden with her. She didn't seam enthused when I met her, for some reason, but it was okay. I was excited, and this waiter kept bugging the living shit out of us. It really sucked. Anyhow we have been together ever since, and I have been judged up and down in this diary, because I talk about ex's and every single thing that I feel in one manner or another, but I don't care anymore. Someone needs to stand up and say "Hey I'm a bisexual and I don't give a shit what you like or don't like about it" I am worried that my site won't make it. I am worried that no one will want to post bisexual diaries, and I am worried that it will become so popular that people will be pissing me off and bugging the living crap out of me every day but hey its the internet. I think about past relationships because I can't believe some of the crap I have put myself through. I can't believe that I have actually let people "in". I want to leave it all in the past, but it does bug me sometimes. Like when I am driving and I start thinking about "so and so" who was so fucked up and why didn't they want me? Not that it really matters much anymore, because I have more than I need. Just thoughts in my head. I understand why you broke up with the women who tried to get you to "leave". That is not what being bisexual is all about. Being bisexual is also not about sharing with your husband either. It is about being the person you are and chosing to live how you want and having people love you for "who you are as a person". Not as thier "object". Being bisexual it is okay to "share". Its just not okay if you are sharing for the wrong reasons. I don't choose to share very often, but I would share as long as he didn't "expect it". I feel that my bisexuality is "mine" and I get to chose when and how and if. I am not saying he is not good to me, I am saying that I am my own person and no one can use me for sex. Doesn't mean that I think that all couples are like that, but I think that alot of them are like that. If your man doesn't respect you enough to let you be with a woman alone the first time just to see if you like it, then why do you think you would like it in the first place? I would be a litte aprehensive if I have to have sex with a woman in front of my man just to please him too, and then have to worry about him fucking the other woman and if he likes her more than me. Some women are not jelous, but I am a little uneasy about watching my man have sex with another woman. I was with him for 4 years before he even knew I liked woman, and 7 or 8 years before we had a threesome together. I have to know for sure that he loves me and only me before I will put my deepest sexual desires in front of him. Is that weird? Oh well I hope to talk to you soon. If you come back Love Nicole enchantress_0114 [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I am back *smiles* Posted 10-11-2002 02:18 I was hoping you would write back. I have enjoyed reading your diaries also felt as you do and some of the things you been through I could definately relate to. It took me 12 years to tell my husband I was bisexual. My family doesnt know only because I feel it is none of there business and they would certainly not approve. My husband is great he supports me when it comes to my sexuality. I have been able to spend time with women alone. We did have a threesom twice and I felt funny about it but there was alot of confusion the first time as in I sat on the bed twiddling my thumbs because she was giving him a blow job and would not let go of him and he said he was affraid to move cause she kept biting him everytime he would try to move towards me. She was a nut case she atalked me for months after. She would drive up on the weekends and follow me. There was a time when I went down to her home for a basket party I was supposed to stay in her sons room cause she had made arrangements to have him stay elsewhere. Well after the party was over and evening approached she said I could change in her bathroom and when I was in the middle of it her and her husband jumped me. I didnt tell my husband about it right away cause he has a bad temper when it comes to my safety and my feelings. We been together for 16 years married 13. The other girl I told you about the game player was the other threesom. It was ok but it wasnt what i had expected. She is in it for self pleasure only. I have never a female make me have an orgasm. No problems giving them ones though. Dont get me wrong I love to please another women it is almost as good as having an orgasm persay. But I kinda feel selfish saying that giving back just a little would be nice. Usually it would come down to I would get home and he would ask me how it was and I would fine and he would say well.......and the answer was always no. He kinda benefited from it. With all the disasters I keep asking myself maybe this isnt for me but then I keep putting myself back and searching once again. I would love to find someone I could share a long relationship with it would be wonderful but so far notta. I live in a small town in northern Michigan and finding someone is very hard. I been through the placing the ads and joining the bi groups but nothing so far maybe I just have to wait which is hard I miss it so much. You are probably getting tired reading this so I will rest my feelings for now. I am glad I found someone who I can relate to and vice versa. Enchantress
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:20:04 GMT -5
muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Hi how are you? Posted 10-12-2002 00:38 Thanks for writing again. Well you sound so cool. I never knew that I could talk to someone who was for "real" on here lol j/k. Actually it is just a "hi what are you looking for? Bye" type of thing usually when I talk to other bi women. My girlfriend and I are looking for other women to be with in an all women thing, it is like a dream lol. Kinda weird some people think, but it is just something we would like to try. Anyway we have a friend her name is MARY (had to say it real loud lol). She is really cute, and is a size 16 (she thinks she is fat but she is not.. she makes us sick lol). We all live in Muskegon. Mary has only had one bisexual experiance and is interested in meeting a woman. She says she wants a girlfriend. She is a very nice person, and is married to a man that she went to high school with. I am not sure if he knows or doesn't know she is bi, but I think she has made up her mind that she is. Anyhow if you are interested in meeting her she is one of our closest friends. She is a chicken and doesn't know how to meet women and wouldn't talk to one unless we "got" her for her lol, but once she gets to know a person she is really good to them and for them. Since R, and I have been together she keeps begging us to find her a girlfriend, if you are ever interested in meeting us, and becoming friends we would like that. We like to go to Diversions in Grand Rapids but, I am never out on weekends, unless it is planned ahead of time. I am always available monday through friday usually after 5pm. You should send me a picture of you and I will return one of Mary. I feel kinda bad for you that you have not "gotten it" with a woman, but you just need to hold on, it will come. I have to say that I have gotten it almost every time with a woman, it is probally because I waited so long to be with one and wanted it so badley when it did happen that I made myself. I know it seams crazy, but I have not gone out with the best looking women in the past, just "okay" looking. I guess I am more of a personality person than anything. I am also someone that strives to complete a purpose in life and if you are not helping, or contributing to that purpose aka giving me altimatiums, then I don't see you anymore, and that happend alot with ex's. I felt that they wanted me to leave my husband and wouldn't. I have always been completely honest with EVERYONE (even though my ex thinks I haven't) that I have gone out with. I have always strived to atleast give that dignity to the person so that they could make their own decision. I have to admit it has killed about 5 peice of asses I could have gotten *wink*, but after you have failed so many times you realize it is not the "ass" you get, it is the importance that you recieve when you are respected by your partner. I believe that atleast. I was seeking for 6 years before I met this one, and she takes my breath away. We are a perfect medium well roasted blend (Folgers lol). We compromise and agree to compromise and that is important to me. Her friend Mary (the best friend) thinks I am sooo cute (I don't know what her problem is lol). I think of Mary the same way, but today I told R, No way would I ever go out with her, she is one of those types of women that could get anything she wanted from me. Mmm mmm mmmm yes she is that nice looking, and I am not interested! If a woman can take my breath away to the point that I could not say no, then I have to place my hand in the air to that one, and my resolution is to just block out the fact that I know she is bi (lol) and pretend I never heard that in the first place hahaha! If you want to meet sometime I will give you my number or whatever if you email me or would like to continue to email me and not call that is okay also. My email is aug01twins@yahoo.com . Talk to you later!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:20:23 GMT -5
enchantress_0114 [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Interested in Mary Posted 10-12-2002 23:08 Hello Again, Hope this finds you well. I would like to communicate via e-mail. You have my attention reguarding Mary. Im also a size 16 I will e-mail with a photo and looking forward to one of her. From your words you sould like such a sweet person and I hope we get a chance to meet soon. All of us . I do get nervous on first meetings but I dont think that will be too much of a problem. I will make this short because I am gonna e-mail. You can contact me via e-mail at enchantress_0114@yahoo.com Please let her know to feel free to e-mail me as well. Have a wonderful night and I look forward to hearing from you soon. enchantress worried sometimes Posted 10-13-2002 19:39 The reason I worry that I will not have her is because she means so much to me I never want to see the day when that happens. Its a wonderful day in the neiborhood Posted 10-14-2002 18:56 I am just getting ready to enjoy yet another disapointing day because it is so friggin cold and friggin crappy looking outside. Its like I am so ready for the winter why doesn't it just SNOW ALREADY!! That way atleast I won't be hoping for warm weather. Atleast I will know that today will suck completely and I will have to bust my ass harder to get out of the house. Atleast I will get used to it!!!!!! Oh I hate winter. All I need now is some pms to go along with my attitude and it will be the perfect day of all!!! *wink*. I need a good peice of ass and then I will shut the hell up! LOL I miss my girlfriend Posted 10-18-2002 10:43 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been thinking of R, today, and I miss her so much. Life seems so different now that I have a girlfriend. Now that I am getting used to the idea of having her around, it makes me even more glad that we found each other. It seams as if life is just a little bit easier with her here. I miss her so much this week because life has been busy for the both of us and time just seams to be flying by. My work schedule is every single weekend, which sucks but I don't have to pay the babysitter on the weekends and when you have 3 kids that is important. I have been wanting to see her and hopefully I will soon. I have to work second shift all weekend so I don't know how soon I will get to see her. Last I knew she was worried about me because I said that it was hard for me to let her get close to my kids. Well I was with Angela for quite some time, and even when we were broken up, I was still seeing her off and on. I let L, get close to her, and when she decided that she wanted nothing to do with me it was really hard because L would still say "Mommy can we go see Angela." Sometimes still does. It is hard when kid does that and you have to say no to them. Especially when the person lives 40 miles away and you don't just want to drive up that far to have your kid see them. Not that I don't think the relationship was important, but I opened my heart up to her and I allowed her to be in my kids life and she had an impact on my child. It means that I sacraficed the feelings of my child when I should have waited. I was under the impression that Angela will always be in my life. Even though we are friends now, I only see her about once ever 2 to 3 months. I would like to see her more but I don't think that is possible. Angela is a very nice person. Even back when I was younger my relationship with her was questioned by others, such as other women I dated, and I was told I couldn't see her or shouldn't see her, and when I met R, I told her that I would see Angela, and there will never be an altimatium because I don't allow altimatiums to happen in my life. R completely understood. It didn't have to be said twice. I know this sounds crazy, but after a while I let her meet Angela because I didn't want her thinking I was having sex with her. At any rate, back to the original subject. I know R, was worried or wondering why I think the way I do, about my kids and worried that someday that she will not be here, but reality in real life is, I have to take the punches and honestly it would not surprise me if I took one from her. I have faith in her, and I know she is not Angela, I realize that the relationship is the same and I have no right to make assumptions compairing the two, but I do feel that no one is perfect, and I am not an optimist. I am not going to allow myself to believe that everyone on earth is good and has good intentions. To be honest I just think that "life" happens, and we have no control over it. I don't want to lose her, and in the same breath, I will accept the punch if I ever do. Just worries! I love her with all my heart, and when I say things like this, it doesn't mean that I am waiting for her to leave me, it doesn't really mean that I think she will. It basically means that life happens. No one knows what will happen so I psyche myself out sometimes waiting for the worst. That would be the worst. It is how I deal with inflicted pain and am able to allow myself to move forward with myself without flinching. It have the amazing ability to bounce back because all my life I have had to do it at one point or another (thanks to my dad). So no I am not "waiting" for her to leave me. No I don't "expect" her to leave me, but in the same murmer, yes I will accept all that life has to throw at me and I am telling you now, that if this does happen, then my kids will never ever meet another one of my girlfriends again! This is important because making an emotional bond with someone who is not going to stick around is hurtful. Thats why I don't understand how all these women can have 15 boyfriends in one year and expect it not to hurt their kids. Then some of them have the kids calling each different one dad. What kind of shit is that? If I ever meet a woman like that in real life I am going to take out my reality book and hit her on the head with it! Anyway, my point of all of this is reality is harsh, and though I love her, I am not going to rule anything out. It is just me. The glass is always half empty. Oh well. Love you R, Love me
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:22:04 GMT -5
R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Life Posted 10-18-2002 21:43 Yes, you are so right, life is hard!!! And if anyone told us any different they were lieing!! I can understand how you feel about your kids,but honestly... I already have deep feelings for them, and I think or hope they do for me as well. I love them with all my heart!! And I love you with all my heart!!! I don't ever want to do something to hurt any of you! And every time you start feeling blue, look at the ring I gave you!! It means ALLOT to me that you accepted that and want to keep it and wear it for all to see!! It doesn't matter than "everyone" know what it is there for, or who gave it to you. What is important is that you know who gave it to you and what it stands for!!!! I miss you so very much!!! "Life" is a bitch sometimes, and things happen that we can't control, but can accept and go on. I know how you are feeling right now, cuz I have had the same thoughts. But I always try to look on the bright side of things!!! I close my eyes, and I see you, and I hear your laugh and smell your hair I feel your arms holding me and... hmmmm it comforts me in a way that I can't explain. Try to see the glass half full!!!! I love you so much N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More than any words or actions can say or do!!!!! Love, R my day in a nutshell lol Posted 10-20-2002 06:14
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well my day was interesting. I went to work, we went out to eat at a buffet and one of our consumers decided that she was going to stuff her purse full of chinease food! Yuck! We had a fun, but trying day. I worked with the new ARI and she was interesting. I didn't realize at first that she was the ARI and I started to tell her what we are going to do today. I kinda acted like I knew it all and she must not have minded. She seamed to be really nice. I liked her alot, and she worked hard also. I called my girlfriend two times and she was not home. I miss her alot. I had a long day and I just wanted to go home but sister wanted me to come over and look at computer. Installed Netzero and it screwed up her modem.... Oh JOY TO THE WORLD NOW I HAD TO FIX THE PROBLEM@!@# I am about to leave and go home, cuz it is 2am and I am tired as hell. Husband will be wondering where the hell I was. Car is outside but he won't look. Oh well! I was thinking about all the crap in my life and how it all got screwed up and then I came back and showed everyone. Now the funniest thing happened to me today and it was kinda a private joke you may not get it. My boss said to my mom, who works for the same company.. "Your daughter is a good worker, but she doesn't trust me". Like duhh! She fired me once while I was pregnant. That is all it took and I know for sure that she will never be trusted again. She can do whatever she wants to and she will never be able to blow sunshine up my ass again! I love my job, but I am not going to fool myself. This company is a joke! I am serious. They treat other people like they have no brains and no capability of learning. I wish that they could just lighten up! GEEZ! Oh well I will explain it all someday when I have something for real to bitch about lol Love Nicole
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 10:22:33 GMT -5
lazy day Posted 10-23-2002 17:26 Today I didn't leave the house. I didn't go down to Grand Haven. I just hung around and layed in my bed, until my boy started throwing a fit at 1pm. I needed the rest. I couldn't take it anymore. I have been rushing rushing rushing and that is all I have done and seen. I don't feel like I have done anything for me lately. I need to go out and have a drink just to get away from it all. I feel like all I hear is the crying of small children. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids so much. They are so important to me. They are the single most important thing in my life. I am so glad that I had them, however they are getting on my damn nerves sometimes. Crying all day and all night. I don't know how Mike expects me to be able to stay home all the time. I blew up at him about a week ago about making me feel guilty every time I leave. I mean I have these kids all day every single day and I have no right to leave without him making me feel guilty? Makes me kinda pissed off. I think he got the picture. I need a life!!@!@! I have to ge out of this house sometimes. Maybe I will tonight. I might anyhow. I am just letting my son cry right now because I have fed him, and I have changed him. He is crying for attention, and I can't take it right at this moment. I feel like I am an emotional mommy roller coaster. I know they love me but do I have to be in the same room with them at every single second of the day? Geez. I feel like I need some space from them sometimes. I love them but there are 2 children there and I can't take it every single second of the day. Then when I leave them with someone I feel guilty! I feel like I need to get my stuff done and come back quickly because I know how hard it is to take care of them for my own self so I don't think I want to wish that on other people! I went to see my friend Polly yesterday. I am glad about that. I just got to talking with her for a moment. She is probabally the kindest person I have ever met in my life. I went there to get something for my brothers and she helped them out with a whole bunch of crap. Dishes, microwave, and tv, bed ect ect ect... she is not sure on the tv part but pretty sure. Anyways I just think it is really nice of her to help them out. Especially when Jon has been a jerk to her most of our lives. Polly is like a sister to me. We lived 5 doors down from each other for a long time and when she moved away we thought we would never see her again. LOL she used to stay the night at my house 3-4 days a week. Practically lived with us! She used to tell us stories about this, and that and we believed her. Even though they were fibs lol. She was 4 years older than I am but we still got along. That is probabaly why I believed her fibs so much lol. Anyway its hard keeping a friendship with Polly concerning the way that I feel about "friends". I still see her once and a while but not to much. I love her though. Its just when I have time I see her. If I don't, I don't. Oh well. Good thing she lives right by my moms house.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:46:47 GMT -5
oh gosh Posted 10-23-2002 03:37 What really bothers me the most is that I don't care to hear what she has to say. I don't care about her, and I feel upset that I have put my foot down and my girlfriend stillt thinks there is room for discussion on this matter. I feel very upset about that. I feel that the conversation is over, and I am upset because I don't think that I am being respected or listened to due to the fact that the conversation keeps getting pulled back up. I don't say anything about that. I just stew and mull over it and it makes me even madder later on. It has nothing to do with jelousy, or rage or even control over her. What it has to do with is, I have no reason to want to be friends with this person. I do not agree with her, and I don't need friends. I have R, and I have a few other select people in my life that I "might" be able to call friends, but my friends are myself. I feel that I am the only friend I have in my life, other than my family. I won't screw myself over and hey if I do, I only have myself to blame LOL. I go to my brothers alot, because they are a sanctuary. I can tell them anything and I know they won't shit on me. I know they won't make it into a soap opera. I know that my family respects me. Probally because I will bend over backwards for any one of them. At any rate, I don't have room for this person in my life. I don't have the patience to listen to her jabbering, or to care about what she has to say. Especially when I know I don't agree with her opinion, and since I am always right then I don't need to hear it. I don't want to meet her, still R, says I should meet her because "She is someone who is important to me." "QUOTE". I don't agree. I feel that if R, would not have wanted to meet Angela whom is someone important to me then I would have respected it. Even though circumstances on that are a little more complicated she is someone who is very important to me. I care for her deeply.( Even though she acts like a dumb bitch sometimes lol.) I feel that R, should respect me because I am a human being. I don't have to meet someone if I don't want to. I don't need to meet someone to know that I don't want to talk to them. I don't have to know everyone in my life and frankley even if I did meet her I didn't care for her before we got into this big discussion. I never really agreed with her opinions from her posts in the past so what is the point in meeting her? Would you get up to go to work when you could stay at home in bed? Well why should I work for something that is not going to affect my life, or make me happy and only make me miserable? You know I get my plates renewed every year and it makes me miserable, but it is the law. I take my kids for their shots, but that is the law and I have to do it. I make my kids go to school because it is the law, and I go to work because I spend to much money. All things I dread doing, but I have to do to survive. I don't have to do this, and I am not taking time out of my day which is sacred and should be considered a holiday (jk) to meet someone. I am upset that she posted to my site. No I didn't read it. I don't have the need to. I am upset that R, asked me to read it, because it rubbed me the wrong way, and I am even more upset that she sent it to me after I told her not to. I didn't read it. I deleted it, because I don't care. I feel like saying to her "DO YOU HEAR ME" when I make a decision and am attemting to put my foot down. I think that she thinks it is a joke when I do. You know I dont have to agree with her, and I definately don't have to do what she asks me to do, and it really really makes me mad that (in my opinion) she thinks that it is okay if I have my opinion and state it, but she is still going to get what she wants (not in this case however). I don't feel the need to have it thrown in my face again (and that is exactly how I feel about it). So now who is the drama queen? Now I know this entry is going to upset her deeply, but I am so upset about this that I don't think I can even go to her with this in an adult manner and speak to her in an adult like tone. I think that I need to write my feelings down first. I am using this diary as an outlet for my anger and hurt because I don't see where the respect is here. Okay she can respect my opinion, but it doesn't mean that it is okay to not do what she asks? I think that if I speak to her one more time in person concerning this issue I may lose my temper, so I am hoping to give it a few days so that I can soften up. My idreniline will have to slow down and my heart will have to soften. Which sometimes takes a few days. I love her so much but right now I am going to go crawl into a deep hole and bury my head in it again. I did that once today, but the kids turned the damn tv up full blast and I woke up! I miss her so deeply already. Perhaps it is becuase she rubbed me the wrong way. Love me
R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries OK Posted 10-24-2002 14:10 Maybe if you wouldn't laugh everytime you say no, I would leave it alone. I am sorry if it seems I don't/didn't respect you. I do. However,it just is that she is an important part of my life as well. I literelly owe her my life. And I just wanted to share her with you, and you with her. But fine, it is done. As for her posting to "your" site, it wasn't in your diary... that isn't OK? I am having some problems today, and I feel like crawling into that "hole" and I just might. I feel hurt that you couldn't say that to me. I guess I understand that you felt it wouldn't be a good thing, and that you might have lost your temper. I do love you and respect you very much. muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries hey Posted 10-24-2002 15:15 NO I don't care that she posts here, I simply do not care to read it. I have never worried or cared that she has posted to your diary because it is yours. I don't hate her. I just don't want to associate with her. I don't care to read what she has to say if it is directed to me. I don't read her posts when it is directed towards you, because I don't feel it is any of my business (1) and (2) I know I won't agree with it anyway. As for me being mean, and a jerk I am sorry, but I never claimed I am a nice person. Matter a fact I am pretty hard to get along with. You are the only person in my life I try not to be a bitch to (lol). It isn't meant to intentionally hurt you or confuse you that I laughed when we were talking about it. I laughed because I thought you were joking when you said you were going to send me what she wrote in an email. I also laughed probally because I was nervous of the sore subject and trying to make light of it and hope it went away. So I am sorry about that. I also heard you are not feeling very good. I wish I could be there to rub your body down and put my arms around you for a while. I hope you feel better. I am not feeling good myself either. I just about went nuts again yesterday. Oh well. Love me
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:47:37 GMT -5
Its not supposed to affect me Posted 11-3-2002 06:59 I have been thinking and contemplating all of this for so long my head hurts. I hate wanting something I can't have. I hate having something I can't give up. I have to say that if I were with this man I would feel more guilty for being with him towards R, than I would my own husband. I guess probally because I have been with other men through out the course of my relationship with Mike. I have to say that I would feel more like I was cheating on her than him. I don't think I even want to cheat, or sleep with this man. I guess I just want to know him. I don't see how that is ever going to happen except for the fact that I know he is a long timer in the company, and so am I (err I think I will be). I also have the brains enough to know that one way or the other "life" has a way of working things out. I mean next week it could change. I could tell him, and he could bash me into next week. I think it would take 12 beers to tell him, but I don't think I will be going to work like that ever lol. I think that I will just think about him sometimes and wonder about him. However it has been getting me in trouble. The place just smells of his inner self. People mention his name and inside my thoughts begin to race a moment, then I come back to reality and real life. Lately I have been doing alot of thinking about my girlfriend. This may sound a little insecure, butI am worried that I will not be enough for her. Sometimes I wonder why she tells me that it would be okay to have a threesome with my husband. I don't know quite what to make of it. I wonder if I can be suspicious about it, if she wants it to be an open relationship (f4f) or if she is just trying to go easy on me. I sometimes wonder what she would do (or who she would kill) if I ever cheated on her. I have never wondered whom I could do it with. I have never thought of actually going through with it, because I can't seam to see anyone else in my arms except her, but just once I would like to see her get really pissed and jelous, just to feel the sting of it. Just to know what it feels like. Have you ever wanted to know something like that? I don't know if I am fucked up for thinking that, I guess I am so used to dating women who have their chains around my ankle and arms. Tonight I am missing her. One of the reasons I am missing her so much is because I called and she was talking to someone in the background, I asked what the heck was going on, and she said "Oh its just some friends." .... Instantly my jelous bone started. I think it came from the fact that I feel like we haven't spent enough quality time together. I want to lay next to her and hold her and I feel a little rushed lately. I feel like my kids get in the way a little with my relationship with her, but I am not ever going to get rid of my kids or hand them off. I know this sounds crazy, but I still can't even trust anyone with my kids, not even my own family. I would rather have them with me. I know they are taken care of in my care. I love them with all my heart, and if they get in the way then we will just have to make "some other time". It is hard having little babies. It is hard because I want some quiet time!!!!! Its not R's fault that I am feeling insecure, she did nothing. It has to do with the fact that I have not had enough personal time. I feel like I am lost and just living life in a daze. I feel like I am missing out on all the action that isn't really there. I wish I could explain better but it won't happen. Love me I am just psycho like that Posted 11-6-2002 14:00 R recently wrote me a letter saying that I could be with whomever I wanted sexually and she would not be mad (yeah right) anyways, she said sex is sex and love is love. Well I do kinda agree with her, but I also feel that she is the only woman for me. I look at her and she is all I see. I want her, need her and I love her. I can't see myself making love to another woman. I couldn't bring myself to drink and breathe another womans skin the way I do when I am with R, I feel completely satisfied by her. I am only having problems becuase my kids make it hard for me to get out and stuff. I am going to try harder though. I know I can get over there more. I just need to put some effort into it. For a long time I was going through some marital problems due to my relationship with R, my husband was getting angry and or jelous, but wouldn't admit it. Lately I have told him that he needs to get over it, and quit throwing a guilt trip every time I want to go over there. As if I have not got enough crap on my mind. Now the last couple times I went, he said nothing. I think he is understanding more. I think he doesn't realize how it feels having to care for them all the time. He only sees a taste of it on the weekends. He should try doing it for 5 days a week. He has them at night for 8 hours true, however he has not got to tend to them very much at night. He wonders why I am so cranky all the time. It is just really hard. They will become self sufficiant soon enough. I am confident that R, and I will still be together. Unless she loses her mind lol. She is every woman. R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I love you soo much!! Posted 11-7-2002 03:45 Baby!!! You aren't supposed to make me cry!!! I love you so much!! And of course I am gonna be around.. for a long time.. so get used to it!!! You are "Every woman" to me too!!! I love you baby!!!! messing around with my own head Posted 11-11-2002 02:10 I am messing with fire. I keep telling myself this over and over again. Have you ever messed with fire and didn't care that you may get stung. For some reason it is okay to play these games in my head and heart, and it is okay to think about him, but it is not okay to be with him. Why? Probally because I don't want to lose my job. I don't want to complicate things, but then again, I do want to.. well you know. I wish I could but I can't. I wish I would just come out and say it. He actually surprised me today. He handed me the keys, but made sure that he touched my hand when he handed them to me, both times. I know that wasn't by accident, however I can't do anything. I feel threatened because I am afraid. I am afraid to get caught up, and I am afraid to not. Have you ever thought you were missing something and you just wanted to experiance it once. Well that is what I think about it, however I can't say that I would let it go. I just want to let go of all of this, but the more I am near or around him the more I want to be near or around him. I can't get him out of my mind and I think it would be easier if he were fighting this off, but he isn't and I can tell by his body movement. I can tell by the way he talks to me, and especially I can tell he is facinated, however I know that he realizes his responcibilities, and I know he loves her. I know I love him. I know I can't leave him, and I wont. I like this feeling of contemplation of what his actions are. I love being able to see it in his eyes, but not being able to act. I don't know why I love it. Maybe I don't want to act. Maybe I want it to go on, like it did with Nelson many years ago. Maybe I feel the need to have a man at my feet while I am at work... or either I feel the need to be noticed by one. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Maybe he has internet *wink* lol
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:48:12 GMT -5
today I seen him Posted 11-12-2002 01:37 Today was not as bad as yesterday. He just talked to me for a few minutes as I got ready for the day and had a cup of coffee. I realized that it would be perfectly fine with me if he did that. I just don't think that I can do "this". I thought about him for several days and wanted to call him at work to tell him something that I needed him to do, but I realized that I shouldn't do that. I should just leave it alone. I am saying this only because I am trying to convice myself and I need to do that. I seen R, today and she was looking really cute. I missed her so much. I don't know what I would do without her. Today she said she has a lump in her breast and has to go for a mammogram. She was upset because I think she is worried that I will not be attracted to her or something like that. I am worried that she will think that also. I am not worried for me about weather or not I like her or whatever. I am more worried that she will not feel good about herself. I don't really give a damn what happens as long as it is nipped in the bud early and can be taken care of. One of my greatest fears in life is to be without her. I don't want to ever experiance that. I love her so much. I wouldn't care if they took both of them, I would still care for her, and love her. I would still be attracted to her, becuase I think she is beautiful. She has everything inside of me twisted around her like she wouldn't believe. She is like a glass of wine as you read an old folk tale. Never fades, never changes, but is altered from time to time. I am just so worried that she will feel bad about herself. Hopefully she would not feel so embarassed that we coudln't be together. I don't think that will happen, but there were some other things that she got embarassed about when we first met and she said "I have this problem, and that problem." Like I really give a rats ass what the problem with her body is. She is more than a body to me. She is inside of my heart and soal. I hope she never ever lets go of that. I hope that she is not ashaimed of who she is if this has to be removed. I hope that she realizes that it is not easy to find 2 people in life that will love her, and I do hope that she doesn't let me go. I know it sounds a little self concious, and probabaly a little sensitive and self serving of me to say this and make it sound like it is "my problem", because it is not happening to "me" and it is her decision to live her life in any way.. I am just prepairing myself for the worst again like I always do. I am just scared and afraid that she will not have any confidence if this does have to be removed. I feel that she is so strong and outgoing. She is so beautiful and special. I love her with every depth of my heart. I don't want that to go away. Love me
muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Today I seen him again Posted 11-14-2002 22:20 It is getting easier to see him, realizing that I am not going to go any further than I have already gone. I will not place myself in the position to lose my job, and my family and my girlfriend are very important to me. I really love them. It is hard to think about ever losing them. I also have thought about how it would feel to be with R, (my girlfriend), Mike, (husband) and then have another lover on the side. Mentally I think it would be confusing. It is just really hard for me to let alone, because this person makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and I like him, his personality so much. I have not "liked" a man in this manner in over 6 years. Yes I like M, (girlfriends husband) but not in the same manner. I couldn't have "that". I don't know what I think I can have, or if I even want it or if I am just contemplating the possibilities that are not there. At any rate, this will be the second time that I have told him about this website, and I am now worried that he will actually go, but am not holding my breath. I don't think that I can get his attention in that manner. I just was having a little fun with him. I don't know why... probally because I thought I would share a little bit, and I later realized that maybe it is not a good idea to know that I am bi, or that I have this kind of a life. I also wonder what he will think if he does read it, however I can't sit around and wait to worry about what others think. I have to be me. I am sure it will either turn him on or gross him out. One or the other is fine by me. If he reads this he is either going to be impressed, embarrassed or he is going to be upset. One way or the other he can't prove this is about him. He can't prove that it is even him I am talking about in these letters. So it could be about anyone. I just wanted to get my feelings out once again and say .... I think I am sexually frustrated..... Not that it helps because I am very picky and am also very precise about the kind of person I like. This perticular one, I have been noticing for 4 months now. Err have known of him longer but just noticed him like that 4 months ago. Probally when my depression started to fade away and I came back from reality after I had the twins. Oh well. Sometimes it is okay to like someone a little bit. Love Nicole
Ps: R, no matter what, I will always stand by you, even though this week YOU are a pain in MY butt! I miss her like crazy Posted 11-15-2002 02:59
Today some bad things happened and I was really worried about my girlfriend. I had her on my mind most of the day. We met up around 6pm and I told her how much I apreciated her and loved her, but it doesn't feel like its enough. I wish I could have held her for a long time today and tell her how important she is to me. Love you R Love me
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:48:53 GMT -5
me Posted 11-15-2002 13:30
today I am tired. I had to stay awake last night all night, but somehow managed to lay low and be lazy. I wonder how that is. Maybe I just didn't worry about it. I am so tired that I need to go to sleep but am always wondering who posted to my site if they did or whatever. So of course I had to check. I am going to bed now. Sorry this was not interesting at all. LOL Love Nicole
note of bitch Posted 11-20-2002 01:21 1. Husband messes with computer and mouse pad comes up missing. 2.Mouse pad is missing on the same day that he messed with it. 3.Husband claims he never touched it.
Note to self... never listen to men.
everything there is to know about everything Posted 11-19-2002 19:04 The nearing holidays and I am not getting many hits to my site!!! Uhh! The power of trying to get hits!!!!! I am missing my girlfriend already. She has been pulling her teeth out trying to figure out where and what she is going to do about a situation she is in. She told me that I could go on with my life if I couldn't deal with what may or may not happen. I can't deal with living on with my life. I told her last night, "I waited 6 years to find you, and now you expect me to just move on." I still feel that way, and I will probally always feel that way. I will be here for her. I wish that she would not be so negitive about our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if she does it because she is expecting the worst, maybe it makes her feel like its easier to let go. I don't want her to let go... You know that saying... if you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you... they were yours to begin with... NOT TRUE. You don't let someone go if you love them. If you love them, try to show them every single day that you do. Not by crowding their space, but why the hell would you let someone walk out on you so they can go fuck someone else and come back to you and say "Honey I still love you take me back." That makes absolutly no sense at all. Who the hell would take them back either. I think that if you love someone you try to show them apreciation every single day and respect them for who they are. If they need space that is one thing, but you do not say "well its okay you can go". Hell no. Hang onto them!!! That is what I am intending on doing. This woman came into my life skeptical that we would have a relationship. Assured that we wouldn't have more than a one night stand. The night she went home to her husband she told him she thought I just wanted some ass. Which was true, but I wanted it ... forever and ever and ever.... We go through the relationship, her lax, telling me its okay to be friends with Angela, okay to do whatever I want to do... and myself... I feel like I walk the line when I don't. It is really weird. I feel like there are certain lines I don't step over, and I know that she will be here, however I am not going to do it. I am not going to down grade her and I am not going to walk all over her. I am not into that. I tend to get caught up in women. I tend to get into their minds, and when I am with them that is what I want to do. So no, I do not want to move on. I have a woman with a brain now, and I would prefer to get into her mind and no one elses, unless it involves my girlfriend. I love her... I could take a breath, and feel her inside as I breathe in. Thoughts of her are that deep, that feeling, that real. The moment she ever emailed me, in my box... I said to myself "Dont' open that email... this is the one.." I knew it, and didn't open it for 3 days, I just couldn't take another let down again. I knew it was her, just by the name on her mailbox. I just knew. When I did open it, and read it... it sounded way to perfect... so I took about 24 hours to respond... worried and then I tried to not get excited. I tried to blow it off, but after that..... it wasn't easy to blow off... it wasn't easy to get her out of my mind... She had me.. as soon as I seen her at the resteraunt, I knew I wouldn't be with anyone else. I just knew. R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I never knew Posted 11-20-2002 04:11
I never knew I could love some one as much as I love my husband... then you came into my life... and I love you so much!! When I tell you to "go on with your life" .. in my head I think I am doing the right thing for you.. but in my heart I am dieing! I don't EVER want to lose you! You are too important to me!!! Sometimes, I think I am just to passive, and too "accepting" I dunno why. I do love you so much!!!! You and my husband are my life!!!!! If it wern't for the both of you... well, I dunno what I would do!!! Please don't ever walk away from me...no matter what I say!!!!! And trust me, when I am put in a corner, I will fight, and fight hard. I would fight with everything I have to keep you!!!!!!!!! I would die for you!!!! Litterally!!! I love you so much!!!!! Love, ME
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:50:10 GMT -5
without you Posted 11-25-2002 14:14 Time heals all wounds, and washes them away. With the warmth of your kiss, with the words that you say. Once I thought I would never get over the woman I let within. Those words came back at me, when I felt the softness of your skin. Inside I was dying, like a rose left in a vase, watching my leaves crunch, and the hardness in my face. I spoke up, so many times, asking for the light, water and the will to make myself feel right. So many times I wondered how I could have lived before you came, giving me water, and life once again. I was caught inside myself, deep in a dream, that one day I could meet someone whom knew what love should mean. I listened in my heart, and hoped there would come a day, when all begging from my mouth, would be the last time I begged that way. I waited for you, here, inside my heart so true, and now that you are here, I won't let go of you. If you love someone, deep within, you don't let them go, you wait for them to realize, that your the one they know. Waiting for her deep within my dreams was hard enough to take, I could wait a lifetime again, and never would I wake. I love you R, forever true inside of me, you are the only woman and my air to breathe. Love me. R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries YOU! Posted 11-26-2002 05:25 GOD I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! You know you have nothing to worry about.. I am NOT going anywhere!!!!!!!!! Mmm thanksgiving Posted 11-28-2002 03:24 I can taste the turkey in my mouth right now... mmm to bad its not the cat I am cooking lol..... or is it lol? R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries LMAO!!! Posted 11-28-2002 16:53 LOL!!!! i hope it isn't the poor kitty!!! Have a great day, baby.... I love you! me [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries every day i am thankful for Posted 11-29-2002 12:10
Every day I am thankful for my kids, my husband and girlfriend (at the same time), and then my family, Ben, Michelle, and 2 sisters in New York. I am thankful that Darlene is still talking to me, and I am thankful that my dad is a nutcase and disapeared. Mostly in life I am thankful to still be here, because without me, all of you wouldn't have a thread from the needle, that scares me. Uhh! Look at me! I look like hell Posted 11-16-2002 12:13 Uhh is it the holidays? Everything looks so good. Maybe its that 40lb weight gain in the winter time. I need to lose some damn weight! I look like hell! My pants barely fit me. Sheesh! Yeah, sometimes even I have to bitch about women things lol. R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Sheesh! Posted 12-2-2002 04:37
I only have one thing to say about that: WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!! me [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries whatever whatever Posted 12-2-2002 17:39 Sheesh! Ha! my goodness my belly is big. Its back to watching my diet soon! R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries PLEASE!!!! Posted 12-3-2002 04:24 "I like Big butt's (and bellies) and I can not lie!!!!!" And yours is sooo sexy! miperson [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries hahaha Posted 12-3-2002 12:28
yeah right, mybigass@yahoo.com lol Sheesh!!!@! Posted 12-12-2002 19:29
I am driving to NY tonight to pick up a car that husband bought off of ebay. Probally a car (he thinks) I will never drive (yeah fuckin right), anyway, I miss my girlfriend already. I love you baby!!! If I see another roukerman on the way there, I will pick it up for you *wink* Love me BI_Baby from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries NOT!!!!!!! Posted 12-17-2002 01:48
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:51:30 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO NO NO ROUKERMAN OR HOWEVER THE HELL YOU SPELL IT!!!!!! You do know that pay backs are a bitch, right!!??!!??! I love you so much!!! I miss you too!!! *SMMMOOOOTTCCCCHHHH* yeah right [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries listen here Posted 12-17-2002 05:03
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can not believe that you (the old softie) would even find a payback for me, and if you did..... muskegon female [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries shedding a tear Posted 12-17-2002 12:19
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It took me about 8 hours after the boy was found to shed a tear. I couldn't believe that he killed him/ them. I never thought that he would. No one ever wants to believe that a man would kill his own kids. My reasons, why I was upset is because every single day I think about the day I am going to come home and hear that my children are missing. Every day I worry that my son or daughters will be gone. They are my world. To know that one person could look their own child in the face and shoot him, it horrid. It is sickening. I don't know how he could do it. I have often felt like writing that bastard a letter, asking him how could he do it, but I figured I would get some sick responce, like "i didn't do it". as if he really didn't. No need to communicate with people who are just as sick as my dad. I hope that he burns. R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries I knew it Posted 12-17-2002 15:19
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