Post by Nicole on Dec 16, 2005 10:29:23 GMT -5
My antisex boyfriend, miscarriage, and personal failure
December 15 2005 at 11:18 AM Christiana (Login maarmist)
from IP address 69.143.160.255
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This is long entry--so if you start it, you're in for the LONG haul.
First, some background: I love my boyfriend immensely. We've been together for 4+ years. We met in graduate school, and are now 28, working well-paying jobs, and we each own our own home. Our families both live in the area, and we see them regularly. We also have a great group of friends--mostly other couples--and we are fairly well-balanced about seeing each other, seeing our families, and seeing our close friends. We have an amazing sex life, and one that I'm always amazed at : )
Here's what I need help with: About a year ago, the trouble started. Last November, my period never came, and I thought nothing of it because my cycle has been completely screwy ever since I stopped the pill (for medical reasons), and has caused my periods to alter in schedule significantly. Shortly thereafter, I went to California to see my girlfriend in late December (my period still hadn't arrived), and came back to Virginia the first week of January. My boyfriend picked me up from the airport, and, excited to see each other, we made love. However, I noticed, while making love that he seemed distant, uncomfortable; it troubled me. Several hours later, I asked him if he was okay, and asked him if our lovemaking was okay. He said it was great, that he felt really close to me,and then he paused. "What is it?" I asked him. And then out it came. He said that he felt that it was wrong to have sex because we weren't married. My reaction to this was not a good one. I started to cry--mostly because I felt so ashamed, that he was ashamed of me, and I was so confused as to how it was possible to have had sex with him for three years of our relationship (without a word about any of this), and then for it suddenly not to be a beautiful thing. Not only that, but I felt so hurt that he told me right after we had just made love. It hurt me immensely. Upset, I stormed out, and went home crying. Later, on the phone that day, he told me that premarital sex was a sin against God, that having sex with me was a sign of disrespect toward me. He said that premarital sex results in consequences that we aren't ready for: like pregnancy. He emphasized that it was wrong, and that we should stop. I felt the COMPLETE opposite!
Two weeks later, my period still hadn't arrived. Then, one night, I had great abdominal pain--unusual for a period--and I started to bleed. I drove myself to the ER, and to make a long story short, I discovered that I had indeed been pregnant, and that I had just miscarried a fetus that was two months along. I was devastated; I felt like a failure, a poor excuse for a woman. Not only did my boyfriend say that he was ashamed to have sex with me, but I couldn't even keep my baby. I didn't tell my boyfriend, afraid that this was proof that sex before marriage was indeed a sin. I was afraid that it would cement his views in stone forever.
Then, in late January, after a get-together with some friends, my boyfriend and I started to fool around--kissing, touching, etc. However, before I knew what was happening, we were having sex--even though my boyfriend had just stated that premarital sex was a sin a few weeks earlier.
After we made love, he said nothing. A week later, he said nothing. There was no explanation, nothing. Finally, one day, I passively aggressively said on the phone "So what's the deal? I thought sex was a bad thing for us?" He said that it was indeed a sin, and that he asked for God's forgiveness. Outraged at his lack of communication and his hypocritcal actions and his lack of sensitivity for my confusion and pain, I screamed at him, and told him about the miscarriage. He hung up on me.
Since January of 2005, my boyfriend and I have had sex 8 times, even though throughout he has emphasized to me that premarital sex is a sin and something to be ashamed of, and he is still as unapologetic for his inability to explain the contradiction between his views and actions. Even when I've told him that it's okay to be confused, it's okay to screw up, that the key is communication, he never talks about any of this after our "forbidden" lovemaking sessions. When I bring it up, he tells me that it's my fault for not stopping him, and then I cry, get angry, and feel like I could be with someone else who wanted me, and who felt that it was okay to want me. He has also has never brought up the miscarriage, unless I do during which he remains silent.
Please help me. I feel like a failure. I feel unwomanly, guilty that the miscarriage was my fault, unattractive, unwanted, undesired. Should I leave? I can be supportive of his decision to not have sex, but not when he's so conflicted in words and actions. I'm not that strong, especially when my beliefs are so different, when I just lost a child that I would have had gratefully, and I desperately want to make love to him. I feel so empty righ tnow.
Am I bad person? Is he a bad person? Are we bad people?
Sad,
Christiana
December 15 2005 at 11:18 AM Christiana (Login maarmist)
from IP address 69.143.160.255
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is long entry--so if you start it, you're in for the LONG haul.
First, some background: I love my boyfriend immensely. We've been together for 4+ years. We met in graduate school, and are now 28, working well-paying jobs, and we each own our own home. Our families both live in the area, and we see them regularly. We also have a great group of friends--mostly other couples--and we are fairly well-balanced about seeing each other, seeing our families, and seeing our close friends. We have an amazing sex life, and one that I'm always amazed at : )
Here's what I need help with: About a year ago, the trouble started. Last November, my period never came, and I thought nothing of it because my cycle has been completely screwy ever since I stopped the pill (for medical reasons), and has caused my periods to alter in schedule significantly. Shortly thereafter, I went to California to see my girlfriend in late December (my period still hadn't arrived), and came back to Virginia the first week of January. My boyfriend picked me up from the airport, and, excited to see each other, we made love. However, I noticed, while making love that he seemed distant, uncomfortable; it troubled me. Several hours later, I asked him if he was okay, and asked him if our lovemaking was okay. He said it was great, that he felt really close to me,and then he paused. "What is it?" I asked him. And then out it came. He said that he felt that it was wrong to have sex because we weren't married. My reaction to this was not a good one. I started to cry--mostly because I felt so ashamed, that he was ashamed of me, and I was so confused as to how it was possible to have had sex with him for three years of our relationship (without a word about any of this), and then for it suddenly not to be a beautiful thing. Not only that, but I felt so hurt that he told me right after we had just made love. It hurt me immensely. Upset, I stormed out, and went home crying. Later, on the phone that day, he told me that premarital sex was a sin against God, that having sex with me was a sign of disrespect toward me. He said that premarital sex results in consequences that we aren't ready for: like pregnancy. He emphasized that it was wrong, and that we should stop. I felt the COMPLETE opposite!
Two weeks later, my period still hadn't arrived. Then, one night, I had great abdominal pain--unusual for a period--and I started to bleed. I drove myself to the ER, and to make a long story short, I discovered that I had indeed been pregnant, and that I had just miscarried a fetus that was two months along. I was devastated; I felt like a failure, a poor excuse for a woman. Not only did my boyfriend say that he was ashamed to have sex with me, but I couldn't even keep my baby. I didn't tell my boyfriend, afraid that this was proof that sex before marriage was indeed a sin. I was afraid that it would cement his views in stone forever.
Then, in late January, after a get-together with some friends, my boyfriend and I started to fool around--kissing, touching, etc. However, before I knew what was happening, we were having sex--even though my boyfriend had just stated that premarital sex was a sin a few weeks earlier.
After we made love, he said nothing. A week later, he said nothing. There was no explanation, nothing. Finally, one day, I passively aggressively said on the phone "So what's the deal? I thought sex was a bad thing for us?" He said that it was indeed a sin, and that he asked for God's forgiveness. Outraged at his lack of communication and his hypocritcal actions and his lack of sensitivity for my confusion and pain, I screamed at him, and told him about the miscarriage. He hung up on me.
Since January of 2005, my boyfriend and I have had sex 8 times, even though throughout he has emphasized to me that premarital sex is a sin and something to be ashamed of, and he is still as unapologetic for his inability to explain the contradiction between his views and actions. Even when I've told him that it's okay to be confused, it's okay to screw up, that the key is communication, he never talks about any of this after our "forbidden" lovemaking sessions. When I bring it up, he tells me that it's my fault for not stopping him, and then I cry, get angry, and feel like I could be with someone else who wanted me, and who felt that it was okay to want me. He has also has never brought up the miscarriage, unless I do during which he remains silent.
Please help me. I feel like a failure. I feel unwomanly, guilty that the miscarriage was my fault, unattractive, unwanted, undesired. Should I leave? I can be supportive of his decision to not have sex, but not when he's so conflicted in words and actions. I'm not that strong, especially when my beliefs are so different, when I just lost a child that I would have had gratefully, and I desperately want to make love to him. I feel so empty righ tnow.
Am I bad person? Is he a bad person? Are we bad people?
Sad,
Christiana