Post by Nicole on Nov 25, 2004 22:46:32 GMT -5
Oct 16 2004, 08:53 AM
Before the dream, laying in bed mind is racing
As I looked behind the lids of my eyes. I wondered if the hurting would ever end. I walked into my mind as the lyrics of a song passed through my thoughts. So quickly I woldn't catch all that it was. Not even the songs's title caught my attention enough to hang onto it. Instead I found my mind racing in a backward motion. Attempting to re-gain the words or the form of words. Anything that would bring me back to the song so that I would slow it down and concentrate on it. My mind was not tired but my physical form was indeed so worn that I allowed my body to lay own. I forced myself to lie there on that unwelcomed bed. That bed was not mine. It was clammy and cold at times. When it wasn't cold it became instantly to hot. Seemed like my mind wanted to be awake at this quiet time. Knowing I would be tired if I refused sleep. I became more interested in falling into slumber land. Even though I was not mentally tired. Nor comfortable with going to sleep here on this perticular bed.
Racing into the past. My mind raced so fast. My heart pulsed as I smelled the lavander within me. The education within, learned habist, lifestyles. I thought of the insanity of a bisexual life. Insanity of the feelings I held within me. The anger, the hurt. It all moved me into the present. My mind was tired of the emotional battering that I recieved by being who I am. My life began to play out in front of me. In the lids of my eyes. I seen the first one. her beautiful smile. A glance of the second woman. Then third. I played the movies in my head. The days and nights of passion. I was so overly excited. Remembering that I once held my hand out. Into the shear night I ran fearlessly. I seen the lights soft glow in my mind. The discovery of my "people". Who shared my sexuality and passion. The discovery of a gay and lesbian community. A community of people I'd never known existed. Thoughts ran into their dancing (the peoples). The dancing steps on the floor. My youth, my dance, and my part. The heart I'd worn on my sleeve through almost all of the haze filled nights. I ran my thoughts into that night. In the car with the blonde voluptuos woman. Her skin, soft against my skin. How I wanted her for my own. How did I want to keep her. Memories of watching her walk by as I turned in my film at the store. She worked there in the big department store. Looking at her again. She was within me. Someone I 'have' inside that no one can take from me. No one can erase the true caress of an actual embrace. No one can make me forget the lost days of who I was. Who I became. This all makes me who I am. I can't forget the eerie lonliness. Then and now. NOw it is clouded by bitter angry snakes blooed inside of my heart. Coupled with wanton desires for a life that will never fullfill me completely. A desire to become more. A rant to hold me back. All of this. I know deep within that no matter what I am, who I was, or what I want to become. THe facts of the past will never change. I can't forget anything. Even the sultry smell in the air apon arrival of the bar. The velvet touch. Teh thoughts moaning deep within me. I can turn it off for a while but I doubt I can truly ever let go.
"Cries in fear"
Not ready to continue.
Nicole
Before the dream, laying in bed mind is racing
As I looked behind the lids of my eyes. I wondered if the hurting would ever end. I walked into my mind as the lyrics of a song passed through my thoughts. So quickly I woldn't catch all that it was. Not even the songs's title caught my attention enough to hang onto it. Instead I found my mind racing in a backward motion. Attempting to re-gain the words or the form of words. Anything that would bring me back to the song so that I would slow it down and concentrate on it. My mind was not tired but my physical form was indeed so worn that I allowed my body to lay own. I forced myself to lie there on that unwelcomed bed. That bed was not mine. It was clammy and cold at times. When it wasn't cold it became instantly to hot. Seemed like my mind wanted to be awake at this quiet time. Knowing I would be tired if I refused sleep. I became more interested in falling into slumber land. Even though I was not mentally tired. Nor comfortable with going to sleep here on this perticular bed.
Racing into the past. My mind raced so fast. My heart pulsed as I smelled the lavander within me. The education within, learned habist, lifestyles. I thought of the insanity of a bisexual life. Insanity of the feelings I held within me. The anger, the hurt. It all moved me into the present. My mind was tired of the emotional battering that I recieved by being who I am. My life began to play out in front of me. In the lids of my eyes. I seen the first one. her beautiful smile. A glance of the second woman. Then third. I played the movies in my head. The days and nights of passion. I was so overly excited. Remembering that I once held my hand out. Into the shear night I ran fearlessly. I seen the lights soft glow in my mind. The discovery of my "people". Who shared my sexuality and passion. The discovery of a gay and lesbian community. A community of people I'd never known existed. Thoughts ran into their dancing (the peoples). The dancing steps on the floor. My youth, my dance, and my part. The heart I'd worn on my sleeve through almost all of the haze filled nights. I ran my thoughts into that night. In the car with the blonde voluptuos woman. Her skin, soft against my skin. How I wanted her for my own. How did I want to keep her. Memories of watching her walk by as I turned in my film at the store. She worked there in the big department store. Looking at her again. She was within me. Someone I 'have' inside that no one can take from me. No one can erase the true caress of an actual embrace. No one can make me forget the lost days of who I was. Who I became. This all makes me who I am. I can't forget the eerie lonliness. Then and now. NOw it is clouded by bitter angry snakes blooed inside of my heart. Coupled with wanton desires for a life that will never fullfill me completely. A desire to become more. A rant to hold me back. All of this. I know deep within that no matter what I am, who I was, or what I want to become. THe facts of the past will never change. I can't forget anything. Even the sultry smell in the air apon arrival of the bar. The velvet touch. Teh thoughts moaning deep within me. I can turn it off for a while but I doubt I can truly ever let go.
"Cries in fear"
Not ready to continue.
Nicole