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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:54:25 GMT -5
I'm Moving On (and atleast I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me) Posted 3-4-2003 14:08 Today I came home from dropping the kids off to school. I parked the van on the sidewalk and I removed the 2 children who are twins from it. I brought them in the house one at a time and placed them on the soft couch. They laid there sleeping. I remembered how my brain worked and wondered if there was something more I could do for him. I am always serving others and always scheming ways to make their lives better. I looked around my kitchen and began to make a pot of coffee to ease my mind. I thought about it some more and realized that this is not in my hands any more and I could continue to try to make their lives a living hell and piss them off some more, but it would be better for my own mental health if I just let it go. You see my very smart brother who is mentally ill, chose a life of getting high over getting well and coping with his mental health issues. I have been trying to help him, taking him to doctors and helping him to recieve more money from ssi so he can live better. He is recieving food stamps now. I helped him get them. I don't know why he chose this life, because though I did not approve of this, I allowed him to do what he wanted. I could not stop him. He is grown. I attempted to petition the court and have his gaurdianship removed from him, but it wasn't and thus the City of Grand Haven must think that it is perfectly okay for my brother to have the problems he does. They must think it is perfectly okay for him to base his whole life on marijaunna and have fits of anger and then fits of silence for 16 hours at a time. I love him, but I have to let him go. He used me for many things while this experiance was going on and one thing that I have learned through this whole process is that no one can make someone be mentally healthy. I can't make Jon be a mentally healthy person who makes the right decision. I led the horse to water and he didn't want to drink. Now I am sitting in my house and I am bawling because I love him. I love him so much. Yesterday I dold him not to call me ever again. I didn't mean that, but I was so angry I couldn't take it anymore. Here today I am hurting. It sucks, but the responcibility that is lifted from me feels so releaving that I know in a few days I will be okay. I will walk on and I will walk with my head held high. Though Jon will leave a huge void in my heart for disconnecting from me, and for allowing himself to detuer in the way that he has I am not going to allow him to use me. I am going to move on, and I am going to find someone in my life to fill the void. To fill the heart. I realize that he may never come back and he may never see me again, and I take that consequence, but I am not going to waive that I know right from wrong and pretend that this mental illness is going away. I realize that my brother may die, and I am not going to feel his hug around me anymore, because he makes bad choices, but I am going to allow it to go on this way, because I am not the boss, and I am not the mom. I am only the one who loves him, and probabally the only one who loves him completely. Every time I cut him loose I feel like I am dying inside. I wish that I could just "fix" things. I wish that I could just give him everything. I wish that I could just shed some light into his brain for a second, and every once and a while it feels like I do, but then it shuts real quick. It shuts and he closes because facing reality is one thing that he doesn't want to do. The hardest part of this is cutting him loose to know that I may never see him again. I may regret this later. I may not get my "fill" when he goes I will wish I went with him. No one will ever understand that Jon is my soal mate for a brother. He takes my hand through life and then when he is to sick to take mine I take his. Lately in recent years I have taken his and guided him, and then he has let go of mine and failed. Flopped, and I have picked him back up and nursed him back to health and let him go again. This is probabally a true sign that his mental illness is taking over and getting worse. It only gets worse before it gets better. I keep clicking my heals together and saying let him go ... let him go... let him go.. and my hear is saying "but I love him". Its killing me. Why do I have to work in mental health? Why! R [guest] from Miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Time Posted 3-5-2003 15:34 In time, I am sure it will all work out and that things will be better between you and your brother. I don't know if it will ever be like it used to be, only time will tell. But I think in time it will be better. Smile, you little devil, I luv ya! *wink*
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:55:12 GMT -5
just as i imagined Posted 3-6-2003 04:29 You wrapped yourself inside of me again. You reached out for a peice of myself and you grabbed it. You spoke to my heart and you told me your fears, your life, your pleasure and your pain. This time I listened more, this time I heard. Sometimes when it feels right, it just does. There is no way of explaining it.
strong family ties Posted 3-6-2003 22:33
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling a little upset, she placed her head apon the dash, banged it once and felt like crying. She wasn't hurt. She was mad and frustrated with the whole thing. She was mad that in her head she knew that he would not respond. He would not be there tomarrow, and this time she didn't think he would come back. The emptiness in her heart was cracking even deeper. She was lacking the information that she needed just to survive. Just to listen to her own words and let them go. To let them out of her mind and her head, but she couldn't. Stuck inside of her she told herself to let go. She couldn't hear it anymore. She couldn't feel it anymore. She wanted to pick up the bottle and slam it down her throat, but she knew that this was not the answer. She drove silently to get the kids from school. She was afraid to run out of gas. She was angry and just hoping to barely skim by the school and then make it to the nearest gas station which was the corner store on the way back. She knew that if she stopped at the gas station on the way there she would be late. Swerving into the school she let it go. The thoughts stopped racing into her mind and she swerved in to the lane to pick up the girls.
The girls only took a hundred and fifty two thousand years getting into the van. They seamed to be walking in slow motion, but didn't care when she lit into them. They slowly shut the van door and she turned it to postition in the direction of the boy that needed to be picked up. When she came to get him the teacher said "He is already gone." and then she walked away. Leaving her to swoop the van out of the parking lot down to the corner gas station just in time without running out of gas. Thoughts did not swamp her mind. She simply got the gas and joked around with the girls on the way back as they ate rice crispies treats and laughed at each other. She cherished them Their faces and the glow in them as the cold winter sunlight beamed into the van and touched the cheeks and nose parts of theirselves. She noticed the smiles. She noticed them especially today, and she knew that it may not always be this way. She made a mental note to always love and remember them this way. She knew that no one thing on earth could ever make her love them less. She pulled the van into the driveway at the first drop off and 2 of the girls got out. Even as they were walking away, the young one turned to look and sing part of the song they were singing at the last few moments before they were dropped off. She was beautiful I thought as I drove away.
My smile beamed and I beaconed all the way into the house, carrying one child and then the other and placing their tired heads onto the couch. The third child sat down. She was much older than the first two that I brought into the house. She said "Mom I am hungry" and I told her to do her homework and then she could have a snack. I then could only think "for some reason I was blessed with beautiful women in my family." That is us, we are all strong hearted, and compassionate women.
We stand up, we fight we walk away after we have won and if we don't win we always get the last say because we are who we are. We never step down and we always state what is right and who we are. No one walkes on my family. Generations and generations of women in my family were walked on over and over again, but not now. This generation, the generation before and the generation after us have stood for freedom and independance and we are not going to allow others to make us doormats and sexual trophys that men hang on their walls and never dust. We keep proving it over and over and over again. I am so proud of them. I am so proud of us and I am going to be proud of the littlest one when she is old enough to know the truth. I hope she is bold, confident and brave as I am. Michelle, my shadow.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:55:45 GMT -5
work work work Posted 3-8-2003 12:24 Today I have to work. I hate to have to work! Only because I would rather be at home in my bed cuddling up with my pillow. I won't be home till midnight! R [guest] from hmmmm Posted 3-8-2003 16:06 You wouldn't rather be here cuddled up to me? What does your pillow have that I don't!!! LOL softly as a petal on the bud Posted 3-6-2003 15:15 I picked the petal off of the rose bud. I picked it because it is so beautiful, and it was the best rose petal that I have seen in a very long time. When I picked it I knew that it was not going to last forever, and that someday it might die, but I wanted to smell it anyway. I wanted to feel its softness against my nose and press it against my lips in the same moment. When I purchase or pick a bushel of roses, I find a couple of rose petals to pick off. I place them against my nose and mouth at the same time. I can taste the sweetness of them just by smelling them in with my nose. I can imagine how they would feel against my body, my breasts and my buttox. I feel them pressing into me. I feel them next to my skin and I feel almost flawless. When they touch me I feel sexy, proud, and dignity runs through me, but afterwards I feel full of guilt and shame. Knowing that one day the buds will die and I will have to pick a new bushel of roses. Sometimes I feel like placing them in my window and smelling their scent all over my house. Some days I feel like taking pictures of them and saving their beauty forever. I vowed I would save them but now, so many of them are here. They live here with me. In my head in my mind and in the pictures that I have. I know that they will never be gone. Never.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 18:56:27 GMT -5
R [guest] from The roses Posted 3-9-2003 02:15 The rose petals are jealous of how even they can't compare with your beauty! When we are making love I feel your softness beneath the touch of my hands and I taste the sweetness that your entire body holds! I feel like I am in a different dimention when we are so softly making love. Like nothing or no one excists exept you and I. Basking in your love, I feel so safe, so comforable, so warm and so loved. When our lips meet and I feel your eagerness to give all of you to me, I want to melt. I love the feel of your kisses and the touch of your hands as they roam over my body and I know that I will give you everything I have of me. I will surrender everything to you and let you take me to a place that only you can take me to. When I touch your silkiness and I feel you quiver at my touch, it makes me want to please you in all ways. As I lay my head upon my pillow every night, the last thought I have before I drift off to sleep is of you. When I awake in the morning I stretch and breathe deeply and the first thought is again of you. There isn't a moment in time that I don't think of you and our love for each other. When the day is wearing long and heavy upon me, I stop and I close my eyes, and hear your voice, see your smile, smell your scent and feel your love. It makes everything in my life bearable. I shall never walk, nor shall I stray, for all I need has found it's way. It's way into my heart,soul and life. And that is you, my beautiful soul mate! I love you!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:15:39 GMT -5
Me [guest] from Estaticlly Happy Posted 3-9-2003 22:43 I cant explain how happy I am. Hearing your reassuring voice has made my fears go away. I thank you. For I know where I stand in all this. I will not go into detail. Just wanted you to know that I am here and I know you are there even when we are apart. I will never worry you again. Nor will I allow any post get to me as it is foolish. Have a great night. Love Me
just a poem Posted 3-10-2003 18:40
Just before you melt, just before you sway I let my heart come down, and had to walk away I felt it in my heart, but lost it in my mind My breath my face, it travels past my brain, I feel you, and see the pain I lost control, and felt away, all the feelings that should have stayed
My heart unworthy of all or any love my feelings kill, but I have to live for me I have to love only one and be sure that it is her I have to burn my candle out before I start a fire. Lost, it seams that I am the only one.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:16:51 GMT -5
email is private Posted 3-12-2003 16:44 So you think it is funny to go into my email and send my mail that I send to other women to my girlfriend? For the last 8 months that you have been doing this it hasn't worked. She is still with me. Why is it that you think you are accomplishing anything by doing this? Have you ever looked up the term "poly" as in polymourous? Well you should look it up.
Relationships are different. Everyone chooses to live their lives and have relationships in the manner that they want. You may have a different relationship than I do however it doesn't mean the rules in your relationship are the same in mine. I hope you someday get over yourself.
My life is open to everyone and you can do whatever you want.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:17:30 GMT -5
Part of my day Posted 3-12-2003 21:28 I read her post and it made me think, but I did not act, and did not try. Does making myself think make me feel bad? Yes it does. Does knowing that I am poly make it harder to live my life? Yes it does. It makes it extremely hard. This Morning I noticed that when I came back from D's house I looked at my tire and the poor thing must have just made it into the drive. It was split and air was seaping out from the sides. I thought "Whew atleast I made it into the drive" Just more money to have to spend on repairs. I drove silently to R's house this morning, thinking calmly about the decision I had made and the falls and hurts that I have caused. I plunked into the pit of snowy ice and my van swooshed a little bit. My grip on the wheel was good so I straightened it out. I had had enough of this damn weather and was ready for spring to hit. Thoughts melted into my mind. Thoughts of how it felt when I met R, and how I just wanted her forever and ever, knowing that she did not believe me. Knowing that she was trying to step back and breathe because she was afraid. I knew that I would fall once, but didn't believe it would be because I fell for someone else. I breathed slowly in through my mouth and then exhaled, gulping a small bit of flem and coughing horsley until it all came out. Then I cursed at myself for smoking. Of course when I cursed no one heard me because I was cursing in my mind. Kind of like a thought only this time I really tore myself to peices.
I worked my way down apple avenue till I came to her house. Thoughts of closure and calmness were within me. Knowing that I could move on and breathe now was feeling pretty good. Knowing that somwhere deep inside I was not crying, even though for a few moments I doubted my decision. I thought that maybe I was not cut out for this making up and moving on and forgiving. Even though it was my fault. Sometimes it is easier to move on than to make up. That is probabally why most marriages end in divorce.
My feet hit the wetness of the snow as it crunched underneath them. I opened the back and pulled one of the babies from their seat, and plunged him onto my shoulder. He was getting so heavy I could no longer stand to hold him upright. Instead I would lay his body accross my shoulder as if I were holding onto a sack of potatoes that was really heavy. I grasped his pants and continued to grab a few things and then I walked to the door and paused a moment. My hand hit the knob and I twisted it until it opened. I worked my way into the house and placed the baby on her. She was lying there feet up on the couch in her jammies with a blanket wrapped up snug next to her skin. I knew that I had to do this. I knew that I had to try.
I worked my way back outside, closing the door again. I walked briskley to the van and aproached the girl with a smile. I jerked my head and smiled, then jerked my head the other way as if to play a game with her and pretend like my head was moving in all directions. She laughed, and I grasped her hands and unbuckled her. Then I pulled her up and over the first c
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:17:55 GMT -5
Is it fair? Posted 3-13-2003 23:53 Is if tair that I chose r, is it fair that I had to choose? I am not sure. I am not sure if it is fair. I know one thing, and that is that I don't want to stop talking to D,. I know that that is what R, wants because I realize that she is upset, but I don't want that. I would like to be friends and still talk. I realize that I don't deserve either one of them I deserve the boot and that is about all I can say right now. I don't care. I care about R, I care about D, but this decision was not based on one being better than the other. It was based on my life. It was based on the fact that I can't do this. I can't let the cards fall this way. I know D, is upset with me. I know she is upset b/c I didn't email her. Main reason I didn't email is because I was arguing w/ husband and got mad and turned puter off. Just walked away and went to bed. Needed sleep. I didn't mean to hurt feelings by not emailing. I am trying to sustain everything. I am just trying to be who I can and am. I love R, and I care for D,. I never once thought that I should be the "prize". I feel that to give everything I have I must be free and clear. I don't expect her to understand this and or like it, but I can't do it. Often times I have just wanted to give up on both. Sometimes I have just wanted to be alone. Sometimes I have wanted to have both. Sometimes I have wanted to put myself into the insain assylum also. Thoughts of being insaine one way or the other have been going through my head. Insaine to not be with D, and insaine to not be with R. So moral of the story is..... I feel insaine. R [guest] from OUCH Posted 3-14-2003 04:27
OUCH!!!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:18:37 GMT -5
who am i? Posted 3-15-2003 14:23
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like to go to Arby's and get chicken fingers, and put horsey sauce all over them. I like to talk to women on the internet. I like to take my kids out to eat and sit there and complain because they don't eat enough after I paid for the meal. I like to listen to Reo Speedwagon, In My Dreams is my favorite song. I like to wear my girlfriends clothes and I also like to borrow my husbands without his permission. I like to wear his socks especially, because it gets on his nerves. I like to go swimming in the summer and I like to work out at the YMCA. I like the steam room and sauna the best. I like to look at women's bodies and figure out what the best part of them there is on their body. I like to apreciate the lives of my clients in adult foster care. I like to study them and learn everything I can about them so that I can be empathetic to their desires and needs. I like to wash the clothes at home instead of the dishes. I like to listen to Delilah at night, every night that I have to work she is on my radio. I like to watch my children grow into strong people and like to teach them from right and wrong. I am a person. I am a mom, and I love life.
I feel anxiety when I am about to lose someone. I feel anxious when someone tells me to wait for an answer to a question. I feel angry when somene acts like a retard. I feel upset when my work is compromised for some "company" policy. I feel pissed off when I am lied to, and I feel most happy when my children are sleeping in my arms.
My favorite dream of all was when my father and I seen each other and the whole world was burning down but I ran into his arms and everything was okay.
The best experiance in my life was the day my daughter was placed on my stomach and my husband cut the cord, and the day the twins were taken from my belly and given to me as soon as I woke up. I remember all of their little fingers and toes. I remember the first time they cried, and I will never forget the happiness they have given me.
The worst experiance in my life was when I lost my father to Mental Illness. I never knew why and I still don't understand. Then years later I lost my brother to Mental Illness. It cuts deeply to know that you can not do anything about it. That you can't make someone seek care even if they need it.
The hardest experiance in my life was when I had to tell Mandy to take B, and M, down to Social Services and hand them over to the Indian Nation. I wanted so much to take their hands and hold them in my arms forever. I wish that I could give them every breath I have and take all of their pain away, but it is out of my hands now.
I am me, and I will get over all and overcome everything. I have always said.."Either you like me, or you don't like me. If you don't like me, maybe you don't know me well enough."
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:19:24 GMT -5
What is better, what is easier. Posted 3-18-2003 13:57
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last night I contemplated about running. When I was young, I was a runner. If you have ever been a runner you would understand why. A runner is someone who doesn't know how to face up for what she has done or said. Someone who feels intimidated and frees herself by running. Someone who wants something so badley she runs to it. Someone who can't seam to pinpoint what she wants because it is all just so good so she runs to whatever is good or looks good weather it is the right decision or not. A runner is someone who sees a jar full of money in her friends room and takes it, then runs. Someone who doesn't think of anyone but herself and doesn't think about the consequences. Someone who makes life harder for everyone around her because she can't seam to quit taking advantage of others. Someone who can't seam to give of herself because she feels lost and feels like there is no one who can pull her from her misery. She is faceless and nameless. No one to hold, no one to care for, and she gives her body to anyone who wants to take it regardless of weather or not she likes the person. A runner has no name, no personality, and is searching for something that she doesn't even know how to ask for. This is what I was.... The more people bicker and fight over me the more I feel like running away from both. The more people try to tell me what to do .... the more I feel like running from "said" person. I have never been this depressed before since I had post pardum depression, and frankley I am so tired I am going to go run to my bedroom and fall asleep. What relationship is better? Mmm... I have already chosen that. What relationship is easier? I haven't begun that one. Frankley people you are pushing me. You think that I can take you constantly bickering? When I go into the posts and read it I laugh (twisted sense of humor). That doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean you are not being immature. Why are you publicly attacking each other. R, knows no more abou D, than D, knows about R, and J knows just about as much about me as a peice of paper knows what a cow is. You don't have to understand each other. You don't have to like each other. You don't have to even know each other. You obviously are not ever going to mend things. No one is asking you to. You R, say that you can't ever see me with D, however I feel like I am being pushed. I don't know if it would be "to" D, or just to myself, however I feel that you both NEED TO GROW UP! R, you are working things out with me... not with D, there is no reason for you to attack her. D, I understand you are angry becuase of all of this but you are still my friend and I care for you very much. You don't have to have a relationship with R. I don't think either of you realize this, but you both keep saying the same thing... "I am happy if you are happy". I will be completely honest with both of you. I am not doing what makes me happy. I am doing what is right. That is the bottomb line here. It has nothing to do with what is easier or what makes me happy or who I love more. Or anything near what you all may "think" is going on in my head. It has to do with dignity and being who I am.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:25:40 GMT -5
R [guest] from miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Why? Posted 3-18-2003 21:01 Why did you delete the posts in enchantress's diary about the "moron" thing? We both may regret it, however, I feel that all posts should stay... maybe when we are feeling like we need to attack one another again, we could have gone back and read that post. But it is ultamently your disicion, it is your site. ME kiss my ass Posted 3-19-2003 14:30 Reality is that you are angry with me because I am a person. I never cheated on you, I just began to have feelings for someone else. Sorry but that is not your business unless I was going to 1.)leave you, which I wasn't or 2.) Tell you, which I was but you overstepped boundries and went into my email. Yes I am upset about that. I have the right to make my own decisions about when and how I am going to tell you. I also have a right to be a person and have feelings for someone else. No I did not tell you one thing and do another. You have no idea when that letter was written and when I came to that relazation or wheather or not I still felt that way or not. Furthermore I don't think it is any of your business. I am not going to allow you to pick at that scab. I am not the only one here saying one thing and doing another. I did tell you how I felt about deb. Read the following: , but I also think that I was falling for d, and I am feeling very tender right now. I am trying to let go, I also feel that I was falling for her, but am trying to push everything that I thought I had out thewindow. I have romatic feelings for both of youI have feelings for both of you. I also said verbally while we were talking that I can't love deb more than I love you. DON'T ACCUSE ME OF NOT TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL THISTIME. FURTHERMORE IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS HOW I FEEL ANYMORE ABOUT D, YOU NEED TO QUIT PICKING THE SCAB AND I AM NOT DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU ANYMORE. IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BOOT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE THEN DO IT. I AMTIRED OF THIS. I made a decision. Some people would be happy with the decision I made, but you arn't. You want to pick at the scab, and I am telling you, I am done with this. You can be angry with me for being a person, and having feelings. You have said one thing and done another also. You have also lied. Would you like me tostart pointing them out?
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:26:20 GMT -5
You lied when you told me that you would never go intomy email. You lied when you told me you trusted me, because if you really did you wouldn't have gone into my email. You lied when you told me that I could see Deb, andthat someone has to give. Now these are some things I never pointed out because it is not nice to point out that others have faults, when you yourself is also at fault, but you have mademe so angry. So let me get this straight? You want to leave me because I had feelings for someone else. I didn't screw her, and I never left you, and did not cheat on you, but you think that the relationship is not worthsaving. I am not the only one who is wrong here. I am not the only one who has lied here either. You also did lie to me. The difference between my lie and your lie is that mine was so much more impactfull.Have a nice day. a metephore about love Posted 3-19-2003 14:35 Once apon a time I was pregnant for twins. I had one girl already and she was everthing I had ever wanted in a daughter. I thought that I could never love the twins as much as I loved my daughter L, because she made me completely happy. When I took the twins home and spent some time with them I realized that I loved them just as much as I loved my daughter. <h1>WOMEN</H1> Posted 3-19-2003 14:44 I HATE WOMEN Shit&shoved in it [guest] from miperson.com Bisexual Diaries Have to agree!!!!!!!!!! Posted 3-19-2003 16:20 WOMEN... CAN'T SHOOT EM, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT EM! WHAT YA GONNA DO....SIGH.... THAT GOES FOR MEN TOO! MAYBE I COULD SHOOT EM THOUGH...LOL
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:27:06 GMT -5
ust the way I see it Posted 3-19-2003 17:45 I feel that I was trying to mend the relationship between r, and I because I love her. I wanted her to believe me and I wanted to work things out because she is very important to me. I am not going to ask her to spend her life with me if I am not enough for her, and I am not what she wants. I relize that she needs time to heal and space. I realize that there are alot of things that have been said and done that will not ever be able to be taken back. I know that no matter what I do I am the one who is making her hurt. I am the one who is the cause of it all. I am going to back off now. Not because I don't love her. Not because I think she is right or wrong, but because I am not going to be the cause of all this pain in her life. That is what my plan is. I do not want to do this. I do not want to live my life without her, but I am going to do this because it is the right thing to do. Someone who was in my position in the past gave me advice. He said that no matter what you are the one that is hurting her. You can't make it better. You know you can't make the pain go away so you need to back off. No matter what you say or do you won't be able to take the pain away.
scared Posted 3-19-2003 20:56 I am very scared that when we go to war, my children and I will lose our lives. I am so scared that I can't think straight. I found out that we will be going to war at 8pm tonight. I just want all my loved ones to know how much they mean to me. Even the ones who think that I don't care. I love you all.
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:31:03 GMT -5
Lesbians Posted 3-22-2003 15:00 Let me tell you a story now! About the same time last year, winter time I went to Diversions. I was a little bored because none of my friends showed up and drank about 5 mixed drinks. I had no reason to go home and had just met a woman and was dating her for about a month. I didn't know exactly if things were going to work out between her and I, but they were going good. I seen this woman, she was pretty. She was a femm, and when we talked she was very nice. I thought she was someone I could really get to know. I talked to her for a while in the dim lit room of the bar. All the gay women were just making my reality go out the window. I wasn't facing all of the "good" things that were going on in my life at the moment. Just sitting there, compelled to think about my sexuality and all the beautiful women that I had looked at tonight. My body was ready to lay down, but my mind was not. I didn't worry about it though. I invited her to Denny's afterwards because I couldn't go home yet. It had been the first night out I had since 8 months ago. I just wanted to enjoy it a little longer. So I asked G to go to Denny's with me. We showed up and seated ourselves at a booth. With the help of a hostess of course. I started to talk about women and all of the problems and all of the hardships of being bisexual. She was a lesbian. She stated clearly that she was. We danced around the subject of sex during the conversation, but neither of us seamed to want to do that. I took down her email address. She told me that she wan't the least bit attracted to Femm women. I was surprised. I couldn't think that any woman on earth wouldn't want a femm. She told me about her girlfriend. We chatted and then I told her about mine. I was sure about my feelings for r, but I didn't tell her that. I just played it "easy". In the end I did tell her that I thought that things would work out with r,. We kept in contact for a year, barely.
Funny, she just wrote r, telling her that she was interested and felt compelled to write her. I laughed at the letter when she read it to me. I thought "Gee she said she wasn't attracted to bi females". I have to say I was a bit upset. I told R, that she isn't into femms. We talked about her for a bit, and that was it. I havn't written G, because I don't have a connection to her. I stopped writing her about 8months ago. It just wasn't there. It seamed to me that she was just another lesbian, and I don't understand them. I just can't understand why they have something against bi women. Other than the fact that we want to have our "cake" and eat it too. Well.... thats all i have to say....
an hour off work Posted 3-24-2003 03:40 I just had an hour off of work, so I went down to the Liquid room to see how my website was doing. Its a little coffee bar in Grand Rapids. I come here when I am feeling young. I just wanted to let you all know that I checked my email. I am bored. I just thought i would post... not anything to say tonight. Just thinking of my family and all of the people in the "war" I think I am becoming obsessed with it. I pray that everyone is safe tonight. Love me
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Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 19:31:57 GMT -5
f*king liberals Posted 3-24-2003 04:22 Fucking liberal extremist protesting peice of shits are pissing me off. KISS MY RED, FAT, AMERICAN, FREEDOM LOVING, BEER DRINKING, PUSSY LICKING, ASS WHIPPING ASS.
Ahh! What a day Posted 3-26-2003 04:48 Today I threw all my shit out on the curb. I was trying to clean my house. It does still look like shit. I just wanted to get it all "out". I can't believe how much shit I got done. I wasn't online much because I was trying to get this crap done with. I just can't deal with this nasty looking house anymore.
I want to kill him myself Posted 3-26-2003 19:09 Saddam's brutal olders son Uday, His double beat and tortured forced to watch rape March 26 2003 at 11:50 AM No score for this post David (no login)
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