|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:54:23 GMT -5
Diary entry 1 Posted 9-30-2001 16:03
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Diary, I have been thinking about being with a woman again, and have thought long and hard about this decision. I would like to, but I am having a hard time believing that women are really this accepting. I would like to meet someone who is like me, but it is hard to meet anyone in muskegon. I think about making love to a woman every day, just the thought of her and I making love, and feeling her inside of me, just makes me want to jump right up and go find one, but it is hard. No one wants to be honest with me. Another reason it is really hard is that no one wants to be with a woman who has a husband. Even if their husband is not going to be involved. I have often thought of just becoming a swinger, so that I don't have to know the people I am with. I hope that some day I can find that special girl. Love Nicole
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:55:23 GMT -5
Diary entry 2 Posted 10-4-2001 13:26
Some men find me attractive, and some of them think I am a freak because I am not a supermodel, but at any rate, the point is, that why is it that many many women who are looking to have another woman have to have someone who is perfect? Why can't they just go out with another woman because she is a nice girl? Well I am not perfect, and I never will be. What other people call baggage, I call them my loving family, and if they are "baggage" then they are more meaningfull "baggage" than whomever calls them that. This is my life, it is my family. I don't look out the window every day and not know who I am wondering where I could be or should be or would be. I know that this is where I am and what I want. Every second inside of me, that I spend with my children and my husband is a second that will never be replaced by someone better, because there is no one better. When I think about having a bi woman, I think about her becoming a part of this family. Or atleast if she wanted to. Making her no better or worse than my family and at the same leval. So I don't understand how someone could be jelous of my family. My kids are beautiful children, and I shouldn't have to make a decision between my sexuality and my family. My family will win. I used to say, if faced with an altimatium I would do the opposite of what the altimatium was asking for, and go walk away, but with my family, if I had to choose my family over bisexuality, sorry women, but my family will win. Thankfully my husband is understanding to my needs and desires. He is my best friend and he lets me run the show. I run the house and the family and I run my life also. It is wonderful to have that kind of power. I feel complete here, and don't need a woman. Even though inside of me I am yearning for one. Nicole
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:56:26 GMT -5
Dear Diary, Last night I drempt that I kissed a man, and he was really good at kissing but I didn't go any further with him and then later on in the dream I kissed another man that lived in the same house as the first man, and I felt like being with him also. The problem is, that I don't like men at all so I don't know why I would have drempt this. . Funny though, both of the kisses felt real and they were both really good.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:57:56 GMT -5
My husband said, sometimes you have to go through alot of mud to get a little bit of gold, when I cried to him today, that I could not find a girlfriend. He is my best friend, he understands me, and I love him. Inside I would be hurt if I ever lost him. People condemn me all the time because I have a husband and I am bisexual, but they do not understand, he is more to me than my husband. He is my heart. Not many woman can come to their husbands when depressed about a woman and cry, but I can. I can have him hold me up when I am down. He never lets me down and always says the right thing. This is why I won't take a back seat to anyone. Because I have him, my friend and I don't need anyone else. Especially not someone who plays head games.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:58:39 GMT -5
Hi to everyone who has not read any of my journal at all yet. Well last night while talking to my husband I realized that I am very scared to be with a woman again. I am very scared to feel the feelings that I felt when I was with Tina. I think she is the only one who touched the inside of me. I wish I could explain, but its to hard to explain. Basically no one had the fire in her like I had with her. I haven't met someone who has set me on fire like Tina had. I miss her too. Anyway, my husband and I were talking and I think I am ready to just say screw it and turn in my stars and stripes. I have been looking for a bi woman who will not screw me over for so long I think my fingers are hurting from typing one more stinkin add on the internet. I have had it. I posted a few new adds up looking for friends, but no one ever responds to them. No one is looking for a friend. I for one have learned not to jump in bed with the first woman that comes along, because women can b
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:01:15 GMT -5
I just met this woman she is something else. I am not trying to draw any conclusions but we automatically clicked. I don't even know what to say now, but I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say...I am like a deep pool of emotion and the best way to figure it out with me is to read between the lines, and dive in very very slowley or you might miss something.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:02:31 GMT -5
I stuck my foot in luke warm water, hoping that it would turn hot or cold, but instead all I felt was empty. That is how I feel every time a woman hurts me. Even if she doesn't mean it. I can only thank God that I have a life long partner whom I can turn to for anything. Maybe I should be with him and walk away from all of this pain.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:03:23 GMT -5
Every time I am hurting because of a woman, weather it is her fault or mine I feel a loss... it comes from deep within. I feel that I am going to be depressed for a while and I am not going to come out of it for alteast 2 weeks. I don't know why I do this to myself. Let them get inside of me, I can't do it any more. I can't let them take everything I have. Nicole
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:06:12 GMT -5
I thought that everything was going so well. I just wanted to be with her and I thought that everything was good with her and her husband. I thought that her husband knew that I was trying to be more than just "friends" with her. It was hard for me to understand why she wanted to be "friends" with extra's because I don't believe in that. I have been in search of a woman for a long time and I thought that I had found what I was looking for. Maybe I was wrong, but I can even mislead myself sometimes. Not meaning to. Sometimes I want something so bad that I don't see that it is not going to work out in the first place. That is why it is so hard for me to show emotions to someone that I just met. I can not show emotions to people whom I don't know well. I have been hurt and burned to many times. Though I did not get burned to bad this time I was still touched by the flames. Does that even make sence? I don't know, I guess its because I have always wanted a real relationship with a bisexual female and I can't seam to find it anywhere. I don't even know why I look. I guess its because I get lonley once and a while. I get to thinking "gee it would be nice if I had a girlfriend". Well it would!!!, but its not going to happen that easily because I am penile. I want what I want. I don't want to have to sleep with four hundred women before I get what I need. I don't know I just feel lost again. Every time I reach out for something that has anything to do with bisexuality it just pushes me back to my home and my husband whom has loving arms for me. Him I can talk to about my hurt. He and I can overcome "MY" problems. He has showed me that he will never judge me for being bisexual. I love him. I am glad that he has an open heart. Last night we made love and it felt good. Making love to him is like healing me sometimes. It feels like I can push all of my emotions into love making and if I am mad I can ride him hard, if I am in need of love, we can make love. If I need to be naughty we can talk dirty. The love making is different for each mood, but it sooths me inside. It makes my hurt go away. Sometimes I just need him to lay with me and hold me... he is the only one that will ever truly understand me. For this I am glad.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:07:52 GMT -5
Well this week I can say that I have learned that even when you "think" everything is going to work out nicely and you "think" that you are talking to someone who is very mature and knows what she wants. You can still be stepped on. Am I hurt that people keep stepping on me? Yes. I don't know how many women I have to meet before I meet someone who is not an asshole. I keep thinking that I can turn my sexuality off and walk away. The only thing that is saving me from my feelings of loss is the good sex that I have been having at home. YEAH ALL YOU LOSERS I AM FINALLY GETTING GOOD SEX! (that message was to my family). Sex heals me sometimes. I don't know how it does but it is a way of going on when things are wrong. When I make love to Mike its like taking the pain away. Realizing that I can walk away from all of the pain women put me through. No one will ever understand me the way that he does. Women, you are so beautiful, but you are all full of shit sometimes. You think that you are going to find what you want by jumping from one bed to the next, but you can't because its not there until you decide to settle down. I would like to settle down with a woman some day! Some day when I meet someone who is not so selfish.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:09:36 GMT -5
Guess what I did? 11-23-2001 16:12 I have been talking to this really cool woman whom lives in my town lately for a week or so. I sent her a greeting card from me. How tired must I have been when I sent it because it never went to her, it went to me instead. I put my email address in instead of hers. Now I am wondering if I should even send the card anyway! I am very happy and having an extremely good week. I had a great Thanksgiving and am about to crawl under my nice warm covers on my bed, and sleep for a while, or atleast until the babies wake up. LOL
I am talking to this woman 11-23-2001 02:42 I have been talking to this woman in Muskegon about her and I getting together, and my biggest fear is the loss part. I am ready to be with a woman again, but how many times can I loose one before I can no longer deal with it any more. I mean she is such a beautiful person. What do I do to make her stay? I am afraid I will build up walls so that she can't get behind them. So maybe when she goes it won't hurt as much! Is this even heathy? Oh I hope it works out this time. Every time I hear from her my heart skips.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:22:13 GMT -5
Today is the day 11-24-2001 17:02 I am leaving to go meet her today, and I am very nervous. I am working it up in my mind and worried about what she will think of me. A girlfriend in my own town does not seam so bad. Last night I got a good night of sleep and have been dealing with the babies all day. I would love to have a break! I am going to take her out, and I hope she doesn't mind where I take her. I miss just being with a woman,I don't even care if we kiss. Just to be arounda another bi woman is a turn on. Is that bad? Well let me just say that I have been having multiple problems lately. One being that I need a girlfriend. Well I hope that everything goes well. I am sure I will post on it later tonight or tomarrow. I was hoping for a magical evening. I hope that it turns out that way... Love Nicole
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 9:23:02 GMT -5
Ever since I met her 12-4-2001 14:39
I think I may have found my needle in the haystack. I think I have found the one I have been looking for all these years. I have been talking with her and hanging out with her for a few weeks now. At first I was afraid that she would not like me, but I don't think I need to be afraid about that any more. I think that things will work out really good with her. I feel complete already, and I have not felt that way in a long long time. I feel that even if it does not last forever, whatever time I have put into it will be worth it. I won't leave her, she is a great person. I think I love her. Mmm should I be saying this on my website? I only pray that she does not do me like all the other women in my life have done me. She says that we need to remove the door mat from my head. I think she is right. My sister Mandy likes her, but I am not sure if I should have introduced them, I am hoping that she does not walk on me like the million times it has happend in the past. It feels funny now that I have a girlfriend. I feel complete, but I will never forget the pain that women have put me through.
|
|