|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:50:38 GMT -5
Sitting at my computer all the confusion that day made me forget myself. She was over to my house again and sometimes when she is I can't concentrate on the little things in life. Things like getting the house clean.
This time it wasn't getting the house clean that I was worried about. It was not anything that I was worried about except hoping that she would leave.
She had been over several times that week and I was becoming weary of her children. Though I love them all. I can't stand when I need some silence and there is someone there looming over me waiting for me to speak to them and asking me question after question.
It had been several days since I answered my phone. I have become weary and have not wanted to answer all of the frivalous phone calls that I recieved. I knew I should answer it soon but I still didn't feel like it. The battery was so dead that I had to put it on the charger anyway.
Apon putting it on the charger I went into the other room to sit at my game. The computer game I always play early in the morning or late at night. Suddenly the phone rang. It didn't even occur to me to check to see who it was. I asked her to pick it up for me since she was standing right next to it in the other room. She spoke to the person for a moment and then brought me the phone. I knew who was on the other line before I even placed it apon my ear. It was my father. I didn't want to speak to him. Always asking me to come 45 miles to see him so that he can sit there and look at me for a while. He had become a little unbearing after the surguries that he recieved on his heart.
Apon saying hello to him I listened to his request. It was as though he had need in his voice. He attempted to get me to commit medicaid fraud so that he could recieve extra income. He asked me several times and I said "Dad I have to ask my husband." Then I promised to call him back and we hung up.
I never called back. I couldn't call back. I was tired of it. Tired of him trying to use me so that he could recieve something extra. Yeah I love him. Yes he is my father. I know he is mentally ill but I can only take just so much from someone. I love him with all my heart. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't allow him to use me.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Oct 29, 2004 8:51:26 GMT -5
August 12, 2004
No matter what happened I absolutely had to be at that meeting. The night before I had only 4 hours of sleep. Things had been so intruding into my personal time I could barely sleep before work so I just rested on the bed. That was hard because I could hear the sounds of my children playing and laughing outside my bedroom door. I wanted to join them. I wanted to raise hell like they did. Only I was the moderator. I was the one that told them when they were going to far and enough was enough. As I lay there, uncomfortable in the dark I thought of them. Of all the love I had for them. Every moment I breathed they were in it. Every thought, every path I took, and everywhere I went they were inside of me. I knew that no matter where I end up in my life they will be my reason, hope, and praise forever. As I laid there I ached for him to join me in the bed, but didn't ask him to do so. I wished he would come and hold me, but couldn't get the strength to go ask or to pound on the wall next to me for attention.
The wall I am speaking of is the wall between his precious computer room and my bed. The wall he can hear me pound on once a week to get his attention when I am to tired to get up. Usually it is followed by him coming into the room asking me what I want. Sometimes he deliberately ignores my rattiling and I end up getting up to tell him what I wanted and then I go back to my bed with a huff. This day, the energy to even ratt on the wall was not there. Not only did my body ache but it felt like my bones ached from the inside. I laid there for a good 2 hours.
When I got up and went to work for the night I knew it was going to be really hard to stay awake. My bones ached, and my eyes were weary. I just wanted to take a sleeping pill and be done with it.
I hardley made it through the night at work. In the begining it was easy. I just relied on the medicine I had taken to work and I was fine. About 3:00am I started dragging. I went out and smoked 3 times. I didn't smoke as much as I usually had because I have been trying to quit smoking and I wasn't able to handle even a whole cigar. Just half at a time and then I would come back out later and smoke the other half that I had hidden along the cracks in the wall of the building. The cracks were not there because it was an old building. They were part of the structure of the bricks in the wall and were straight cracks that were meant to be inbetween each brick. The bricks were white and not red as normal bricks usually were. These bricks were larger and they were very plain looking.
While I wasn't smoking and standing through the night I was working on the quilt I was making for my son. This would be the third quilt I made and the first two quilts went to the girls. My son, being the last child I had got his quilt last. I never planned it that way, but that was the way it happened.
When 7am rolled around I stood up just so that I wouldn't fall to sleep. It felt like every move I made was going to pull me closer into the darkness of my eyes. My body was sore and my breath seamed shallow. As I had to take deep breaths every few moments so that I could feel the air in my lungs. I forced myself awake only by standing up because had I been sitting down I surly would have rested my eyes for a moment and fallen into a deep slumber. The brain was taking my body over and I could barely hold out. I held myself up long enough to walk out to my car. I put the key in the ignition and drove away up the road to park at an old ice cream stand. I parked near the back and shut the car down. My head laid on the window and I fell asleep. The slumber was very unkown. I didn't know when I would wake, if I would wake, or if my breaths would be enough to keep me alive. For I even felt exhausted in the breathing it took me to be in this world. I didn't know what time it was when I awoke. I didn't feel like going anywhere. I just wanted to lay my head back down and forget that this world existed. On the contrary I had a meeting to be at in the mid afternoon that I could not miss. I got out of my car and streched for a moment. Smoked a half of a cigar again, and got back into my car. I turned on the engine and headed to a little grocery store near by so that I could ask what time it was.
As I walked into the store I seen the clock. 8:30am it was. I walked into the back by the deli area and picked out a nice piece of chicken (hot). Since I didn't have any cash on myself I wrote a check for 1.26 and continued back out to my car. I sat there for a few moments and bit into the delicious peice of chicken. "Ouch." I said to myself as I bit back the pain that came from the hot chicken peices in my mouth. The pain was caused by the sinus pressure I had from just waking up and lack of sleep. It was so painfull I had to squeze my lips together just like the fishy kiss mouth that your parents teach you to make with your lips. I put the hot peice of chicken down, licked my fingers and then I held my head. I probally held my head for about 10 minutes before I felt good enough to stop. In the end, I finished my chicken and drove to my mothers house and slept in her uncomfortable reclining chair that loomed in her makeshift living room. I set the alarm on the t.v. for 12:00pm and fell back into a deep slumber after getting some warm blankets over me and a pillow beneath my head.
When I awoke I pulled myself off of the chair and put the blanket folded back against the wall. I made myself a nasty bologna sandwich that took my memory back 15 years to the gross food my mother kept in her kitchen. I mulled over it before I put it in my mouth and realized it actually wasn't that bad.
Halfway through the meeting I became tired again. I wanted to sleep and wanted out of the meeting. My body ached even more now that it had hours earlier in the day. When I finally made it home to my children I passed out on the bed in the back computer room. I awoke an hour later to the sound of my husband putting things into the cupboards. I asked him to make supper because I was very tired and sore. When he made supper and everyone was done eating I asked him to stay home so that I could sleep.
This instant he became very irate with me and yelled at me. We argued for hours after that and I cried. I cried for 4 hours. Every time I thought I would stop crying the tears welled up in my eyes again. Finally to ease the tension in my head I boiled some hot water for tea, and some hot water for my face. I brought some rags out and wrang them out after dousing them with boiling hot water. Then I placed the boiling hot rags on my face. It brought the swelling in my head down, and I stopped crying. The tea, was the same kind I recieved from Grandma when she passed away. I drank it slowly, wondering if she was watching me now. Wondering if she was with me like she had always been. I couldn't feel her. It had been 3 or 4 days since I felt her brush her essence against my skin. I began to wonder if she was letting me go. I didn't want her to let me go, but I knew that there was work for her to get done. I closed my eyes, and I didn't pray to God, I prayed to her, that she could hear me, that she could help me to decide what to do. I felt I had no where to turn.
I placed the children down for bed and my husband disapeared. I needed to smoke so badly that I turned all the lights off, grabbed my Jasmine tea and went to my car. As I stepped out of the house I seen him on the swing set. He was sitting there. I went to my car and lit a smoke. It was my car and he couldn't tell me what to do in it. I hit the cigar three times and then I put it out. I laid my head against the window again like I had before and I fell into a deep sleep. Early in the morning he came to my window and pressed his body against my car just enough to make the car move. I awoke and cracked the window. "What?" Nothing replied. "What?" I asked again, and he said "I love you." Then he went into the house. I didn't go in. I stayed in the car until I could no longer take it. I had to use the bathroom and couldn't wait any longer. All the tea was hitting my bladder and I went in very quietly. After using the potty and looking around I went into my childrens bedroom. It was there I fell asleep.
|
|