Post by Leels on Feb 28, 2021 8:00:23 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
February 28, 2021
I've been seeing Thomas all week this week. It has been soul-sucking. I don't know why he keeps inviting me over. But I keep showing up because I know I need this. This will be the 4th day in a row that I've come over to his house to spend time with him. To desensitize. A few days ago, I decided to let him get close to me, like, up in my face. Not up in my body or anything. I am letting him do that because I need to be able to say no to him. In future cases, I need to be able to deny him access to me no matter how close he gets to me. This includes physical closeness. He has no idea that this is my reason for letting him be up in my face. He believes I want to kiss him. Part of me does. But, all of me knows that that would be wrong. All of me has everything to lose.
So for the past few days, all we've been doing is staring at each other. It's crazy that I can just look into his eyes and we can have a conversation without words. And that all the answers to my questions are right there in front of me. Right now, in my current state, though, I need to hear him say what I know he's thinking. I need it to be as clear as day. Communication with him is usually silent but I need the noise this time around.
Yesterday was terrible being there. He said so many things to me about me that I don't see about myself. He told me yesterday that he loves me and wishes he could just be with me. My soul left my body when his lips finished the words, "I love you," and my mouth dropped to the floor. I pulled him in a hug. I didn't reciprocate but instead asked him, "Why do you still love me?" His answer was selfish. He told me he still loves me after all this time because I loved him just the way he was and because I never asked him to change. Because I wanted him just as he was. And he told me that I set the bar so high for relationship standards that he both resents me and loves me for it. One burning question still lied in my mind: Why wouldn't you want to change to better yourself?
God. It's all my fault. I found out he's co-dependent and I know that's because of me. He feels like he's only half a person and needs another person in order to feel whole. It's because I met him and never left his side. I made him believe he was half. And I, the other half. But now years have gone by and I've picked up the pieces he left behind. I found that I am not a half. I am a whole. And I deserve me. I deserve to know who I am and I deserve to be with me. But he still hasn't found that same medium of joy. The worst part of yesterday was his parents coming home. I wasn't ready to face them. I couldn't.
I saw them as I was leaving and I tried to be silent and not acknowledge them but his dad loudly greeted me, "Hi?!"
I screeched and jumped back. I didn't think he'd have anything to say to me after all these years. I looked at him. I saw he still had no teeth. I looked at his mom.
She said nothing to me. But said to him, "I think you scared her, honey. She jumped back when you said something."
I trembled as Brian spoke, "At least say hi," he sounded a bit offended. How could he expect me to say something after everything that happened?
I shyly spoke because there was no other option, "Hi..." I couldn't smile.
He rose his arm and gave me a huge wave. Somehow acting as if I was still a good person in his eyes. Even though I know they talk about me behind my back.
I said, "Hi," once more before stumbling to put my shoes on and nervously opening the door to escape.
That was the most difficult part of this whole experience. Seeing his family. The ones that I tried so hard to love me. The ones that I wanted to be a part of. I just wanted them to accept me. I wanted them to know that I loved their son so much that I would give all that I had just to be with him. But they talked about me behind my back and by the sound of it, still think it's okay to do that. All I wanted was their love and their acceptance but no matter how hard I tried, I was pushed aside. All my hard work and dedication went to waste when Thomas broke my heart. Everything was thrown away. And they think I cheated. I would never cheat on Thomas. I would have gladly married him. Back then, that was all I wanted. To be loved by him and his family. To feel a part of something. To marry him. To carry his children. To grow a legacy with him. And that was all taken away from me.
February 28, 2021
I've been seeing Thomas all week this week. It has been soul-sucking. I don't know why he keeps inviting me over. But I keep showing up because I know I need this. This will be the 4th day in a row that I've come over to his house to spend time with him. To desensitize. A few days ago, I decided to let him get close to me, like, up in my face. Not up in my body or anything. I am letting him do that because I need to be able to say no to him. In future cases, I need to be able to deny him access to me no matter how close he gets to me. This includes physical closeness. He has no idea that this is my reason for letting him be up in my face. He believes I want to kiss him. Part of me does. But, all of me knows that that would be wrong. All of me has everything to lose.
So for the past few days, all we've been doing is staring at each other. It's crazy that I can just look into his eyes and we can have a conversation without words. And that all the answers to my questions are right there in front of me. Right now, in my current state, though, I need to hear him say what I know he's thinking. I need it to be as clear as day. Communication with him is usually silent but I need the noise this time around.
Yesterday was terrible being there. He said so many things to me about me that I don't see about myself. He told me yesterday that he loves me and wishes he could just be with me. My soul left my body when his lips finished the words, "I love you," and my mouth dropped to the floor. I pulled him in a hug. I didn't reciprocate but instead asked him, "Why do you still love me?" His answer was selfish. He told me he still loves me after all this time because I loved him just the way he was and because I never asked him to change. Because I wanted him just as he was. And he told me that I set the bar so high for relationship standards that he both resents me and loves me for it. One burning question still lied in my mind: Why wouldn't you want to change to better yourself?
God. It's all my fault. I found out he's co-dependent and I know that's because of me. He feels like he's only half a person and needs another person in order to feel whole. It's because I met him and never left his side. I made him believe he was half. And I, the other half. But now years have gone by and I've picked up the pieces he left behind. I found that I am not a half. I am a whole. And I deserve me. I deserve to know who I am and I deserve to be with me. But he still hasn't found that same medium of joy. The worst part of yesterday was his parents coming home. I wasn't ready to face them. I couldn't.
I saw them as I was leaving and I tried to be silent and not acknowledge them but his dad loudly greeted me, "Hi?!"
I screeched and jumped back. I didn't think he'd have anything to say to me after all these years. I looked at him. I saw he still had no teeth. I looked at his mom.
She said nothing to me. But said to him, "I think you scared her, honey. She jumped back when you said something."
I trembled as Brian spoke, "At least say hi," he sounded a bit offended. How could he expect me to say something after everything that happened?
I shyly spoke because there was no other option, "Hi..." I couldn't smile.
He rose his arm and gave me a huge wave. Somehow acting as if I was still a good person in his eyes. Even though I know they talk about me behind my back.
I said, "Hi," once more before stumbling to put my shoes on and nervously opening the door to escape.
That was the most difficult part of this whole experience. Seeing his family. The ones that I tried so hard to love me. The ones that I wanted to be a part of. I just wanted them to accept me. I wanted them to know that I loved their son so much that I would give all that I had just to be with him. But they talked about me behind my back and by the sound of it, still think it's okay to do that. All I wanted was their love and their acceptance but no matter how hard I tried, I was pushed aside. All my hard work and dedication went to waste when Thomas broke my heart. Everything was thrown away. And they think I cheated. I would never cheat on Thomas. I would have gladly married him. Back then, that was all I wanted. To be loved by him and his family. To feel a part of something. To marry him. To carry his children. To grow a legacy with him. And that was all taken away from me.