Post by Leels on Feb 14, 2021 1:47:54 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
February 14, 2021
It has been four hours since my last entree and since I got home, feelings started kicking in and I realized that I have no one to talk to about this. This is me all on my own. I walked on the tread mill in my own pain as I played sad songs on Alexa. He makes me feel so many feelings at once. I feel sad. Sad because ripping my old wounds back open so that they can heal right is very painful. But as Paul has told me in the past, if it hurts, that means it's working. I feel angry. Angry because he left. Angry because he is still just as fucking gorgeous as he was five years ago. Angry because he still loves me. Angry because I still love him and I can't fucking stop myself from loving him.
I spent 30 minutes at my dresser holding a pair of pants Nathan took off of me last night and crying my eyes out. I had a breakdown and I texted him. I told Nathan that he's my favorite person in the entire world and that I don't ever want to lose him... that I'm so happy he's in my life. He didn't know what to say. He doesn't know what I'm putting myself through. He doesn't know it's purposely to make myself better. Right now I just want to be with him. I just want to hold onto him tightly and not let go. I want to hear his breathing and feel his chest on mine as I close my eyes in the moment. I want him to be here to tell me that whatever I'm going through, it's going to be okay.
The thing that's bothering me most right now is D'mhari. And how fucking accepting and kind he was towards me when he saw me. How could he give me that kind of hospitality? How dare he not be angry with me? Was is not Thomas's parents telling him that they thought I was cheating on him? Is D'mhari not the person Thomas goes to for everything? He told me at one point, D'mhari was going to be his best man at his wedding - when he had one. That was the plan. Why would D'mhari not have caught wind of this rumor? How dare he give me a half-way hug and tell me it's been a minute since he's seen me. I expect so much bitterness from the people in Thomas's life. Yet here his best friend is offering me kindness and human-like feelings. Maybe part of me doesn't want to feel human around Thomas and his people. Because for so long, they've felt to me, strangers. Strangers that are bitter towards my very existence. And everyone in his life that used to be in mine feel like an empty shell of a home I once cherished to be in but no longer need because I've moved somewhere else. I hate this. With every fiber of my being. But I know it must be done.
February 14, 2021
It has been four hours since my last entree and since I got home, feelings started kicking in and I realized that I have no one to talk to about this. This is me all on my own. I walked on the tread mill in my own pain as I played sad songs on Alexa. He makes me feel so many feelings at once. I feel sad. Sad because ripping my old wounds back open so that they can heal right is very painful. But as Paul has told me in the past, if it hurts, that means it's working. I feel angry. Angry because he left. Angry because he is still just as fucking gorgeous as he was five years ago. Angry because he still loves me. Angry because I still love him and I can't fucking stop myself from loving him.
I spent 30 minutes at my dresser holding a pair of pants Nathan took off of me last night and crying my eyes out. I had a breakdown and I texted him. I told Nathan that he's my favorite person in the entire world and that I don't ever want to lose him... that I'm so happy he's in my life. He didn't know what to say. He doesn't know what I'm putting myself through. He doesn't know it's purposely to make myself better. Right now I just want to be with him. I just want to hold onto him tightly and not let go. I want to hear his breathing and feel his chest on mine as I close my eyes in the moment. I want him to be here to tell me that whatever I'm going through, it's going to be okay.
The thing that's bothering me most right now is D'mhari. And how fucking accepting and kind he was towards me when he saw me. How could he give me that kind of hospitality? How dare he not be angry with me? Was is not Thomas's parents telling him that they thought I was cheating on him? Is D'mhari not the person Thomas goes to for everything? He told me at one point, D'mhari was going to be his best man at his wedding - when he had one. That was the plan. Why would D'mhari not have caught wind of this rumor? How dare he give me a half-way hug and tell me it's been a minute since he's seen me. I expect so much bitterness from the people in Thomas's life. Yet here his best friend is offering me kindness and human-like feelings. Maybe part of me doesn't want to feel human around Thomas and his people. Because for so long, they've felt to me, strangers. Strangers that are bitter towards my very existence. And everyone in his life that used to be in mine feel like an empty shell of a home I once cherished to be in but no longer need because I've moved somewhere else. I hate this. With every fiber of my being. But I know it must be done.