Post by Leels on Oct 4, 2020 4:19:38 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
October 4, 2020
As I drove home this evening, I heard a song on the radio that really clicked in my mind. The song's name is, "Heaven." It made me think about Zach so much. It made me think about all the shit I've been through since the day he walked into my life. There have been sooooo many changes. I can't even describe how fast things changed since that day, October 17, 2017. As the day comes up again for the third consecutive year I've failed to kill myself like I'd planned that night, I look around me and see so much good in it. Much more good than bad for a change.
When I lost my job at West Michigan Molding, I was both angry and relieved at the same time. Angry because of all the work I'd put into that company. I had given them three years of my life; two referrals; so much of my blood, sweat and tears, yet they decided to throw one of their best employees away all because I did something that I normally do when someone isn't listening to me: I yell at them. And I was also angry because they fired me and lied about the reason they fired me. They claimed I'd packed a bad part in a box. A box that was supposed to be checked by cell leaders before being sent to containment. A box that was also supposed to be checked by containment before getting sent out. And instead of pinning the blame on the last possible person that looked at the parts, they decided to blame me. But, I was relieved. Relieved because I indeed had put all of my blood, sweat and tears into that job. And I got nothing in return. They treated me like shit and I deserved better. I knew I did, but I kept holding on because I decided that if they wanted me to leave, they were going to have to kick me out. And eventually, they did. I'd had no other ties to that job after Zachary left. I could have left at any time. But you know me, I'm a stubborn bitch.
When I'd applied to ADAC, I thought I was in love. I worked there for 7 months and then got fired simply because I was an asshole OUTSIDE of the workplace. Looking back now, I realize I was definitely taking better care of myself while working at ADAC. But... I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it for them. So that they could accept me. But, in reality, it's me that needs to learn to accept me. And now that I work for Grubhub and DoorDash and Instacart, I have found that I am actually allowed to take a step back and look at myself in the mirror. I have the time to do that. It's just me here, working on me. Working with me. Working for me. And maybe one day, I can find that I love me. It's possible that I needed this step back from the industrial world of plastics to realize who I really am. I have been working so hard on making money and I guess... I guess using my hands and my wit at a job is just too fucking easy. Too fucking mindless and too fucking tedious that it had taken away and repressed my true self from me.
When I'm out there by myself driving, I feel free. I love driving and I love my job. I love the idea that I can stop working at any time of the day if someone needs me or if I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I love the idea of coming home when I feel I've made enough money for the day or for the week. I can allow myself to have "self" days so that I can take the time to clean my room, to shower, to pamper myself.
Last year, I dug up a lot of things about myself that I'd forgotten. My hobbies. I could suddenly list them again. I still can. I like fishing, swimming, writing, walking and singing. Last year was the year I started to go out and do things and re-learn things about myself that I'd previously forgotten. And this year has given me a different objective. I finally took a big step intomy life for the one thing I've wanted to do the past 5 years: weight loss. 70 or so days ago, I downloaded Noom. I used the app when I was younger and it helped me maintain my weight and now it's at it again. I'm losing weight. I have a long way to go to reach 110lbs but I have already lost 20. I have 201lbs to go, but I'm trying my best every single day. Zach told me that if I work on myself as hard as I work on the presses every day that I could easily make a difference. And now I am working on myself. In fact, that's all I'm doing. And I don't have any plans of slowing down my transformation.
October 4, 2020
As I drove home this evening, I heard a song on the radio that really clicked in my mind. The song's name is, "Heaven." It made me think about Zach so much. It made me think about all the shit I've been through since the day he walked into my life. There have been sooooo many changes. I can't even describe how fast things changed since that day, October 17, 2017. As the day comes up again for the third consecutive year I've failed to kill myself like I'd planned that night, I look around me and see so much good in it. Much more good than bad for a change.
When I lost my job at West Michigan Molding, I was both angry and relieved at the same time. Angry because of all the work I'd put into that company. I had given them three years of my life; two referrals; so much of my blood, sweat and tears, yet they decided to throw one of their best employees away all because I did something that I normally do when someone isn't listening to me: I yell at them. And I was also angry because they fired me and lied about the reason they fired me. They claimed I'd packed a bad part in a box. A box that was supposed to be checked by cell leaders before being sent to containment. A box that was also supposed to be checked by containment before getting sent out. And instead of pinning the blame on the last possible person that looked at the parts, they decided to blame me. But, I was relieved. Relieved because I indeed had put all of my blood, sweat and tears into that job. And I got nothing in return. They treated me like shit and I deserved better. I knew I did, but I kept holding on because I decided that if they wanted me to leave, they were going to have to kick me out. And eventually, they did. I'd had no other ties to that job after Zachary left. I could have left at any time. But you know me, I'm a stubborn bitch.
When I'd applied to ADAC, I thought I was in love. I worked there for 7 months and then got fired simply because I was an asshole OUTSIDE of the workplace. Looking back now, I realize I was definitely taking better care of myself while working at ADAC. But... I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it for them. So that they could accept me. But, in reality, it's me that needs to learn to accept me. And now that I work for Grubhub and DoorDash and Instacart, I have found that I am actually allowed to take a step back and look at myself in the mirror. I have the time to do that. It's just me here, working on me. Working with me. Working for me. And maybe one day, I can find that I love me. It's possible that I needed this step back from the industrial world of plastics to realize who I really am. I have been working so hard on making money and I guess... I guess using my hands and my wit at a job is just too fucking easy. Too fucking mindless and too fucking tedious that it had taken away and repressed my true self from me.
When I'm out there by myself driving, I feel free. I love driving and I love my job. I love the idea that I can stop working at any time of the day if someone needs me or if I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I love the idea of coming home when I feel I've made enough money for the day or for the week. I can allow myself to have "self" days so that I can take the time to clean my room, to shower, to pamper myself.
Last year, I dug up a lot of things about myself that I'd forgotten. My hobbies. I could suddenly list them again. I still can. I like fishing, swimming, writing, walking and singing. Last year was the year I started to go out and do things and re-learn things about myself that I'd previously forgotten. And this year has given me a different objective. I finally took a big step intomy life for the one thing I've wanted to do the past 5 years: weight loss. 70 or so days ago, I downloaded Noom. I used the app when I was younger and it helped me maintain my weight and now it's at it again. I'm losing weight. I have a long way to go to reach 110lbs but I have already lost 20. I have 201lbs to go, but I'm trying my best every single day. Zach told me that if I work on myself as hard as I work on the presses every day that I could easily make a difference. And now I am working on myself. In fact, that's all I'm doing. And I don't have any plans of slowing down my transformation.