Post by Nicole on Nov 1, 2007 5:14:01 GMT -5
****half of this letter was edited*****
Irregardless of these things I am still going to be strong. If they deny my visa I will be here in America longer. I will try to find work and I will try to move on with my life. ***** *sigh* but that will be how it is because I hate ****
I do not know what to do with Douglas if this happens but I know one thing for sure. I don't want to lay with another man in my entire life. I don't want to lay with anyone in my entire life. I do not want anything if I can not have him or be with him. I want no one.
Its the way I've felt for a long time.
I will not speak to Mike much. He only wants to speak to me if he is not dating someone else. No sense in humoring him at all we are not getting back together. I'm not moving into his house and I am going to move forward even if alone.
I miss my children all the time. There are times I wonder if you, and my family should be thanking Douglas for all he has done for me because if he did not I would surely be dead after losing my children.
So here we have the problem that no one really gives a shit anymore about me and he is the only one. My best pal, Nelson (rest in peace) has left and he has left me. I almost died when I found out he killed himself. I could not breathe, eat, or think straight. I am glad my children were being good when I found out.
The last day I spent with my children in my house in Ionia I filled the whole house with over 300 large yellow smiley faced balloons and other colored balloons and I let them run through the balloons and play in them all day long.
I did this because I could not stomach being sad. I knew that I was sad and I knew that if I didn't do something to bring happiness to the house in the last day that I would want to die.
So this is what I did to prevent that. I wanted to see my children happy as they ran through all the balloons on the last day that I kept them in my care. I wanted to see them happy. Then after everything I told them and I cried with Lelia in my arms at night and the twins crawled up next to me. We all shared the same bed on the large king sized couch bed in front of the air conditioner.
Everyone held me and I held them and we all cried.
Then the next day they went to their dads.
After that I got rid of the birds, and the cats and the furnature, and everything I owned went into the garbage except for my pictures of the kids.
Irregardless of these things I am still going to be strong. If they deny my visa I will be here in America longer. I will try to find work and I will try to move on with my life. ***** *sigh* but that will be how it is because I hate ****
I do not know what to do with Douglas if this happens but I know one thing for sure. I don't want to lay with another man in my entire life. I don't want to lay with anyone in my entire life. I do not want anything if I can not have him or be with him. I want no one.
Its the way I've felt for a long time.
I will not speak to Mike much. He only wants to speak to me if he is not dating someone else. No sense in humoring him at all we are not getting back together. I'm not moving into his house and I am going to move forward even if alone.
I miss my children all the time. There are times I wonder if you, and my family should be thanking Douglas for all he has done for me because if he did not I would surely be dead after losing my children.
So here we have the problem that no one really gives a shit anymore about me and he is the only one. My best pal, Nelson (rest in peace) has left and he has left me. I almost died when I found out he killed himself. I could not breathe, eat, or think straight. I am glad my children were being good when I found out.
The last day I spent with my children in my house in Ionia I filled the whole house with over 300 large yellow smiley faced balloons and other colored balloons and I let them run through the balloons and play in them all day long.
I did this because I could not stomach being sad. I knew that I was sad and I knew that if I didn't do something to bring happiness to the house in the last day that I would want to die.
So this is what I did to prevent that. I wanted to see my children happy as they ran through all the balloons on the last day that I kept them in my care. I wanted to see them happy. Then after everything I told them and I cried with Lelia in my arms at night and the twins crawled up next to me. We all shared the same bed on the large king sized couch bed in front of the air conditioner.
Everyone held me and I held them and we all cried.
Then the next day they went to their dads.
After that I got rid of the birds, and the cats and the furnature, and everything I owned went into the garbage except for my pictures of the kids.