Post by Nicole on Aug 11, 2007 15:33:32 GMT -5
You know how i used to have these bad days and everything was bad? Then I bitched and bitched and bitched until I could not bitch anymore because I was just done bitching?
Well its always good when you know you can have someone that will atleast read what you write and even if it doesn't make any damn sense at all you know that they will hear you and feel you and know you like they always have. So I need an ear.
Ever since finding out I am diabetic I've been going crazy over my diet. I've managed to lose 25 pounds. I've been doing so well that I only take one pill for my diabetes instead of the prescribed 2 pills by the doctor because I do not need the other pill.
I never realised for a long time how irritable I get without eating at a certain time every day or whatever. I don't know why but its part of my life. If I miss a meal or don't eat at a certain time I am a bitch and its just because I hate ... hate... hate feeling hungry.
All of this time the only reason I have lost that weight is because I've been excersising and stopped eating carbs, bread, pasta, fruit, potatoes. They also make my blood sugar sky high and they put fat right on my body. You would be proud of me if you seen how skinny I am. I am the same size as I was when I was 18 years old.
I am doing all of this because I can't stand being diabetic. My doctor told me that if I lose weight I may beat my diabetes. So I am trying as hard as I can and its really getting on my damn nerves. I can't eat a fucking cheeseburger. I can't have any damn pizza. I can't eat any fucking thing that i used to and today of all days I am just so pissed off because eating salad and fucking vegetables all day every day is getting on my damn nerves. Its just getting on my nerves. I can't smoke, I can't drink, I can't eat. What the hell can I do anymore?
Really half of me wants to just come back to America and die because thats what I am going to wind up doing if I come back anyways. I will just smoke because I feel sorry for myself for being diabetic, then I will eat, and then I will eventually become fat again and I will just get pissed at my mother for making me do stupid things like, clean out the toilet after she drops something in it.
I'm irritated.
Today I came to my friend R's house and we were supposed to have dinner but I refused it because they are having pizza and there is nothing in the house besides pizza and salad. I've had enough frickin salad to last a whole lifetime. I've eaten an avacodo and bananan today and thats it.
These skinny people they don't understand how strict you have to be to beat diabetes. Its not an easy thing. You can't just eat carbs. You can have a limited amount each day. A peice of fruit and a few sips of milk are all I can have each day or I won't be losing weight. I will just stay the same. I don't know ... They think I am crazy I think they think that anyways because I don't eat bread but they don't understand I mean I've lost alot of weight here.
If I don't lose the weight I will die like my father. He's 400 pounds now and on insulin. I don't want to be like my father living in a one room apartment or whatever with diabetes, on seventeen different pills, shooting insulin in my arm and dying from heart attacks every three minutes of the day. I don't want to die.
People just don't get it. Its not easy.
I had about 1 oz of ice cream because I was so depressed. I figured out that the diabetic ice cream has the same amount of carbs (which turn into sugar in your body) as the damn regular ice cream. The differance is that the diabetic ice cream takes longer to shoot your blood sugar into high gear. Other than that they are the damn same. That was only 6 grams of carbs (how much I ate) but it was still not a good idea.
Its like you have to watch every single thing. Every thing you touch can potentially kill you.
I wish I could come home and die. Thats how I feel. I just wish I could come back and just eat whatever I want until I die.
I hate being a diabetic. I hate it. I hate it. I can't get a damn truck driving job either. I am so sick of it.
I can't be a pilot because of it either.
Its screwed up all my dreams.
Well its always good when you know you can have someone that will atleast read what you write and even if it doesn't make any damn sense at all you know that they will hear you and feel you and know you like they always have. So I need an ear.
Ever since finding out I am diabetic I've been going crazy over my diet. I've managed to lose 25 pounds. I've been doing so well that I only take one pill for my diabetes instead of the prescribed 2 pills by the doctor because I do not need the other pill.
I never realised for a long time how irritable I get without eating at a certain time every day or whatever. I don't know why but its part of my life. If I miss a meal or don't eat at a certain time I am a bitch and its just because I hate ... hate... hate feeling hungry.
All of this time the only reason I have lost that weight is because I've been excersising and stopped eating carbs, bread, pasta, fruit, potatoes. They also make my blood sugar sky high and they put fat right on my body. You would be proud of me if you seen how skinny I am. I am the same size as I was when I was 18 years old.
I am doing all of this because I can't stand being diabetic. My doctor told me that if I lose weight I may beat my diabetes. So I am trying as hard as I can and its really getting on my damn nerves. I can't eat a fucking cheeseburger. I can't have any damn pizza. I can't eat any fucking thing that i used to and today of all days I am just so pissed off because eating salad and fucking vegetables all day every day is getting on my damn nerves. Its just getting on my nerves. I can't smoke, I can't drink, I can't eat. What the hell can I do anymore?
Really half of me wants to just come back to America and die because thats what I am going to wind up doing if I come back anyways. I will just smoke because I feel sorry for myself for being diabetic, then I will eat, and then I will eventually become fat again and I will just get pissed at my mother for making me do stupid things like, clean out the toilet after she drops something in it.
I'm irritated.
Today I came to my friend R's house and we were supposed to have dinner but I refused it because they are having pizza and there is nothing in the house besides pizza and salad. I've had enough frickin salad to last a whole lifetime. I've eaten an avacodo and bananan today and thats it.
These skinny people they don't understand how strict you have to be to beat diabetes. Its not an easy thing. You can't just eat carbs. You can have a limited amount each day. A peice of fruit and a few sips of milk are all I can have each day or I won't be losing weight. I will just stay the same. I don't know ... They think I am crazy I think they think that anyways because I don't eat bread but they don't understand I mean I've lost alot of weight here.
If I don't lose the weight I will die like my father. He's 400 pounds now and on insulin. I don't want to be like my father living in a one room apartment or whatever with diabetes, on seventeen different pills, shooting insulin in my arm and dying from heart attacks every three minutes of the day. I don't want to die.
People just don't get it. Its not easy.
I had about 1 oz of ice cream because I was so depressed. I figured out that the diabetic ice cream has the same amount of carbs (which turn into sugar in your body) as the damn regular ice cream. The differance is that the diabetic ice cream takes longer to shoot your blood sugar into high gear. Other than that they are the damn same. That was only 6 grams of carbs (how much I ate) but it was still not a good idea.
Its like you have to watch every single thing. Every thing you touch can potentially kill you.
I wish I could come home and die. Thats how I feel. I just wish I could come back and just eat whatever I want until I die.
I hate being a diabetic. I hate it. I hate it. I can't get a damn truck driving job either. I am so sick of it.
I can't be a pilot because of it either.
Its screwed up all my dreams.