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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:13:50 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:13:50 GMT -5
Dear Friends I just wanted to say thank you THANK YOU for all your support in the past couple of days. I have really felt like a very special person. Like someone who deserves more and like somone who can make it through this 'lifestyle' in order to be happy in my own personal life. I realize that though this is a lifestyle, it is my life. It is who I am and what I choose. No one can take it from me. More and more I am realizing that every day. You know there comes a time after you are seperated from someone you 'loved' and gave everything to that you just realize you are not hurt anymore. That you are just plain 'mad'. I can't tell you how many times I have told women (friends) in the past that were braking up, or recently broken up with their lovers "now its time to get mad". Well it must be easier said than done when you get older. I remember last time I got really angry at an ex it was a battle of hell and fire. Now I am just angry, and trying to avoid all contact. Just trying to be angry and disgruntled instead of angry and on fire. It really doesn't help throwing guilt trips around, and all sorts of fits. If someone doesn't love you then you can't make them love you. You can't make someone apreciate you. They are just looking through a little tiny hole. They have control of how broad they want to look. You have no control over it. So anyways I have been doing really alot better. I went to a political rally the other day. Nope I won't say who I am voting for because I am right and no one else is right unless they are with me (hahahaha). This election is taking alot out of me. I don't know what to do about it. I even worry about it at night. I wonder if I am the only one who worries about our 'country' laying in bed in the middle of the night. Atleast if I can't be in the gay community 'right' now I am acting and working through my problems day by day. I am making a commitment to myself. I am filling my life with meaningfull things (eg the political rally was meaningful to me). I am becoming involved in my community. I am happier now than I was before I lost her. Now I just have to lose some weight. If your friend told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:32:38 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:32:38 GMT -5
Hello everyone!
I had a different kind of week. This week I actually slowed myself down enough to enjoy the week. I've been through the ringer a little bit, but I wasn't even mad about it. This is kinda funny to me today. Even though yesterday I was upset.
I don't know about all of you, and I stand corrected if you are different but this is from my experiance only:
I have noticed in the last 9 years of my being out as a "confused" bisexual. Err (hence the 9 years of being out and I am still called confused). Alot of Lesbian women really do not like, or even hate bisexuals. If I tell a lesbian I am bisexual and married they pretty much blow a gutload at me.
I replied to a lesbian woman's add for a 'friend' at planetout.com this week. I really was only interested in being a friend to her. I started writing her and every time I did she replied quickly asking me different kinds of questions. I told her I was a married bisexual woman not sure if this lifestyle was right for me. Told her that I had been with women and I was seriously considering taking a break for a while. It was nice to write about it and talk about it ect.. ect... This woman lived in the same town as I did and I was just being friendly. Thought that maybe some day we could meet and become friends offline (only friends). I am not in the mood for games... ect... ect...
Well even after all of this she writes me a letter telling me how she doesn't approve of my lifestyle. How she doesn't ever want to meet me. How I shouldn't expect anything from her. How I have drama in my life ect.. ect..
So I had to write her and tell even though the only 'drama' I've had in my life this past couple months has been her letter yelling at me in all caps: that I respected her decision and she was welcome to write me later if she needed a friend.
I thought "Well hell I was just being friendly." Not that I had even asked her to meet me or anything like that. I was just 'talking'.
I guess I wanted to know if you or any of you have come into contact with this kind of thing.
Funny how I wasn't even ready to meet a woman, or even ready to talk to one. When I do talk to one she treats me like the scum of the earth. Then for some miracle of God I feel like the greatest person in the world today. Why? I don't know. Its interesting though.
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:34:07 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:34:07 GMT -5
I don't apreciate being told to 'suck it' just because you don't agree with
my opinion. I stated my opinion on a topic that you started. If yiou look up my membership status you will find that I have been a member of this group for a long time.
Its not like I just walked in here and attempted to start a bunch of crap.
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:35:13 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:35:13 GMT -5
Okay I am writing for the second time today to address the issue that someone said some of us don't 'chat'. Mmm when I seen that line I thought "sheesh thats been me lately".Yeah I don't post much or chat much when I do because of my negitive attitude.. See I have an online journal that I post in every day and I can't be positive all the time . Pretty much, lately I have been having a hard time. I have cried and cried and cried ect.. ect.. ect. Have you ever just realized that someone in your life really didn't give a rats ass about you? Well thats me. I just realized that someone that was so important to me didn't really give a rats ass about me. I realized that 'she' may have not really given a crap about me for some time now (atleast 6months-2 years). I don't know for sure. What I do know is that it is getting to hard to be bisexual. I am taking time to re group but can't be sure if I want to do this again. I love women, and I love sanity. So which one do I love more? I think I need my sanity more lol. So I ask her to stop writing me and stop talking to me and you know what, I am still miserable. Not as miserable as before. Now I have more incentive to move on. I just feel like shit. I feel like I have had this large crack high and its been going on forever now. Then one day someone hit me over the head with reality and bam! here I am. So thats whats been on my mind lately. Now when I get a nice thought maybe I will post it lol.
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:37:35 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:37:35 GMT -5
Hi my name is Nicole. I am 27 yrs old BBW financially secured married female from muskegon area. I am not looking to ADD or become a third.
Don't take it the wrong way if I say that I am looking for a friend. I am honestly looking for a friend. I am looking for someone who actually cares about who I am as a person. If you are interested in getting to know me as a friend. I am in it for more than sex. I am in it for either 1. Friendship only or 2. Friendship and companionship/relationship.
Hope to hear back from you soon.
Sincerily,
Nicole
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:41:38 GMT -5
Post by ncole on Oct 31, 2004 16:41:38 GMT -5
To be or not to be That is the question Once apon a time I thought that I could meet a woman who would not play head games with me because she knew how hard it was finding a woman to begin with. I set apon a journey to find this woman. I didn't even care what she looked like. I just wanted her heart and soul for mine alone. I didn't ever learn to share. During this 8 years of hell I dated and totally fell head and heals over 2 seperate women. There were other women I dated (in the 12 years ive been out), but I didn't fall like 'that' over them. 27 years old now and my sexual peak is hitting me early. I don't even know what to do. Lord last week my vibrator decided to die and I was going stir crazy without it. Not that it is all I have but without a woman, and without a vibrator. Thats just not cool. Not for me anyway. My family life is really good. My husband takes well care of me. There is rarely a complaint about anything except that he doesn't pick up after himself or the children at all...... ever. Other than that everything is good. My family members are completely in love with me. We all get along great. None of us live near each other but see each other once every couple of months and talk ever week on the phone. Recently I told my girlfriend to get the hell out of my life. She wasn't spending hardley any time at all with me and blew so many excuses up my ass you would have thought I was a hot air balloon factory. Even though I told her not to bring her ass around here anymore (and meant it). I am the one who is feeling the loss. I feel like I am going crazy. I am angry and upset. I feel like she has secretly been seeing someone else the entire time we have known each other. All the signs are and have been there for years. Long story short: She has not got kids, and no job. Her husband works. She doesn't have time to see me more than once ever 4 weeks for about 3 or four hours at a time. Then when she does come she acts like she doesn't want to come. Her fingers would break off rather than use the telephone to call me and Lord help me if she picked up the phone on the weekend. The last time I heard from her it was on a sunday and I asked her if she had frost bite. So I drive around in my midsized car out to work and back every other day and I wonder why in the world would anyone want a girlfriend? I haven't sunk so low as to look for sex for pleasure but I am also not seeking any woman. I feel that it is not up to me to prove anything to anyone. I am here and I will always be here. I feel that if a woman was really that 'into' me then she would be here with me or make plans to see me. I'm not going anywhere and I will surely pick up the phone if she calls.
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:43:31 GMT -5
Post by nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:43:31 GMT -5
Hi cat! I am also a married bi female who plays ALONE err..... that is if I ever play again! I am from muskegon area (west side of michigan) no where near you but if you ever just need a friend, that is all I am looking for at this time. My bisexuality has pretty much been shattered in my face so I'm not seeking. I don't know how long this 'crap' feeling will last but I do know that I need a 'break' from the BS So pretty much, if anyone ever wants to talk about the BS you can write to me cause I love to listen. Love Nicole
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10-2004
Oct 31, 2004 16:46:48 GMT -5
Post by Nicole on Oct 31, 2004 16:46:48 GMT -5
If I wanted to be in your Godamn group I would have added myself. Take me off yoru fucking list now! Yes you will take me off or suffer the consequences as you put me on and I don't apreciate the shitspam in my mailbox. I have gotten about what 10 messages from your group in the last 2 minutes? REMOVE ME !!!!!!!!
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