Post by Nicole on Dec 10, 2004 9:08:50 GMT -5
She was there in her glory. Plain faced, but nicely dressed. She wore a soft comfortable looking peach shirt, jeans, and a petite silver necklace.
When she smiled I could see the judgement in her face. I could see the disaproving glare in her eyes. I knew that she had judged me for so long without knowing me that it would be difficult to ever give her what she needed or what she wanted in a woman. I knew that she would never love me or care for me because of the judgement. Still I wondered what it would have been like. What it would have felt like if I had touched my lips to hers. If I had grasped her and kissed her deeply. If I had felt the moment of grace between her arms. I wondered if she was the one that was meant for me all this time. If she was the one who needed me instead of the bullshit all this time. I doubt it was meant to be. I wondered if she knew that as well. If the attraction was there but she blew me to the side because of the judgement. We talked, had lunch in the resteraunt and I turned to go home. I wanted to cry. I wanted to grab her and shake her and say "Don't you see! I am not everything you think I am."
I did not. Instead I got into my car and I drove away. The tears streamed down my face. The hurt in my eyes was my own. I could and would never replace the could have or would have been. I could never start clean because my slate was never clean to begin with.
The pain deep within I drove and the tears came down.
It hurt me the most because how could she have known.
I wanted to scream out "You don't know who you are dealing with here." but I just let the pain subside. I choked back the tears and moved on with my life. Leaving her, and the bull crap behind me. I had to face that I would and could not ever salvage any 'would have' been or could have been from that time period. Even if it was her.
When she smiled I could see the judgement in her face. I could see the disaproving glare in her eyes. I knew that she had judged me for so long without knowing me that it would be difficult to ever give her what she needed or what she wanted in a woman. I knew that she would never love me or care for me because of the judgement. Still I wondered what it would have been like. What it would have felt like if I had touched my lips to hers. If I had grasped her and kissed her deeply. If I had felt the moment of grace between her arms. I wondered if she was the one that was meant for me all this time. If she was the one who needed me instead of the bullshit all this time. I doubt it was meant to be. I wondered if she knew that as well. If the attraction was there but she blew me to the side because of the judgement. We talked, had lunch in the resteraunt and I turned to go home. I wanted to cry. I wanted to grab her and shake her and say "Don't you see! I am not everything you think I am."
I did not. Instead I got into my car and I drove away. The tears streamed down my face. The hurt in my eyes was my own. I could and would never replace the could have or would have been. I could never start clean because my slate was never clean to begin with.
The pain deep within I drove and the tears came down.
It hurt me the most because how could she have known.
I wanted to scream out "You don't know who you are dealing with here." but I just let the pain subside. I choked back the tears and moved on with my life. Leaving her, and the bull crap behind me. I had to face that I would and could not ever salvage any 'would have' been or could have been from that time period. Even if it was her.