Post by Cole on Sept 30, 2023 15:02:36 GMT -5
When you come to a realization about something that isn't working it really stinks. Now I think about what I was willing to sacrifice what I was willing to give up while I was willing to work toward and what I was willing to do just to see them happy. Just to see his life get better. I was willing to give up the comfort of my own home and be in his and also be a mother to his children whom did not belong to me and cook and clean and support him somewhat financially but not a lot and also would have supported him more had I figured out how. I realize that that is very ignorant because I got so close to these children and I love them so much and still do but they are not mine and I have no control over what happens to them. I wish that I could save them but I cannot and I wish that I could have taken them out of there and giving them a better home and even their father. I guess that was a pipe dream now that I look at it and see that nothing I did was going to be good enough. Nothing I said was going to be good enough. The attention that I gave to him which was quite a lot was not enough for him and when I was not there he did not care whatsoever even a little bit. I do not understand what happened and my mind clicks back to that day that I turned the light out and that moment was when his mind decided to click. He decided at that moment that in the future he was going to introduce toxic behavior and I don't do toxic. I would do it if it made any sense at all but when I try to speak to someone and try to be fair to them and they are just yelling at me and going off on me for no reason and telling me that I have no right to cry or no right to have any sort of feelings whatsoever and I am laying on their bed after being there for hours and they are just going at me and I am crying because I am truly upset and truly love them and truly want to be with them and truly want to hold them not even just for sex but to console them but they don't even allow me to have that privilege. I'm sorry but it's not cool to treat someone like they are the speck of dust underneath your foot after they do so much for you. I am not trying to say that I am better than him or that he is less than I but that we are supposed to be equal and I have feelings and my feelings are valid and I don't need that person to validate them to know they are valid. I also know that there is no reason why I cannot talk to a friend on the telephone for 30 minutes when I am not home and I am not at work either. I have every right to talk to friends to go to functions and to just be a normal human being. After all I gave up my place in my bedroom to come join someone in theirs who I have nothing to gain from for it. I gave up my solidarity and then I was basically treated like I wasn't allowed to have feelings and those feelings were very valid. I never yelled at him but I did let him know how I feel and it resulted in him lashing out at me with even more backlash and even laughing in my face when I told him that I loved him so much. I don't know what I did to deserve any of that because all I asked about was why he didn't text. So I will be made to feel that this post is narcissistic and that I am narcissistic because I have needs or wants or thoughts and I am conveying how I feel about something not even in a mean or hurtful manner. I wonder what is wrong in the mind of someone that would call me something so terrible. I am not a narcissist. A narcissist would not run away when danger occurs or when someone says something bad about them because they have absolutely no feelings whatsoever about who they are they do not feel bad they think they are better than you. I don't think I am better than anyone else I just think that I am different and I wish that the dream that he portrayed was real but it is not real and never was. There is no reason why you can use marriage as a carrot. I do not consider marriage a carrot. I offered more than I was even worth just to be with him and to be with the children and I even did their laundry and dishes. I do not say this because I am angry that I did their laundry and dishes or that I clean the house or that I did any of that I am simply saying that I did this because I love them and this is what I get in return for loving someone. All of them and especially their father that I love even now but what am I loving? It is nothing but a dream because you snapped on me and I had no way to defend myself verbally even though I didn't do one thing wrong. So you take that and you put it in your cup of coffee with your creamer in the morning and I will sit here in my house while you sit there in your house and I will be comfortable with less work to do and my feelings are hurt and I will miss the very beautiful children that I love so much but at the end of the day I know that I was just being foolish and stupid and believing someone loved me who never did. I take solace in knowing that the children love me and I wish that I could be their mother but I cannot. And I'll just now just makes me feel sorry for the ones that came before me and the ones that will be after me.