Post by Leels on Jun 3, 2022 21:59:40 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
June 3, 2022
Well, I was cheated on and lied to once again. I'm getting really tired of not being anyone's last choice. It seems I've lived my entire adult life being the woman before the woman he definitely wants to spend his life with. Thomas left me, and after, he found a woman and proposed to her just 2 years after they began dating. It took him 8 to propose to me. Paul wasn't romantic with me at all. So I broke up with him, because I knew he had the ability, he just didn't want to. And he would never compromise. It was always his way or no way at all. He is married now.
And now, there's Nathan. I suppose he's been looking for a way out for a long time. So he decided to cheat on me while I was in the hospital, with a woman whom he'd told me was a lesbian. But according to his friend, Matt, they actually cuddled and he had her over sometimes to spend time with him and the guys. You know, instead of me, his alleged girlfriend? Then, he left me when I came back from the hospital. And he came back to me and apparently didn't exactly know what he wanted. He's been telling some other woman that he wants to meet up and fuck and I don't share whether you're a fuck buddy or a significant other. He thought I didn't want him talking to her anymore, so he blocked her on Facebook but not Snapchat and continued talking to her there. I found her on Snapchat and let her know where his dick has been and we nearly went out for coffee but apparently she was too fucked up to give me her address. I told Nathan I would see him when he feels like I'm worth seeing. He hasn't been in the same room with me since Wednesday. It's Friday night now.
Uncoincidentally, the woman he's been telling these things to is the same woman he claimed got drunk and fell asleep on his couch with her underwear on. When I was talking to her, she told me the real story. He invited her over and they both got drunk. He was trying to fuck and he gave her a massage. Then he fell asleep without fucking her. She did not know about me.
Part of me feels he's being this sloppy about lying on purpose. Part of me thinks he's trying to sabotage himself so that he doesn't have to go through the hard part with me. I feel maybe he can't commit because whenever something bad happens, he just leaves the situation instead of trying to resolve it or make it better. I also question if it's just easier for him to believe I hate him so that he can feel no regret or guilt when he commits suicide. That possibly, he's trying to burn all his bridges so that it will be easier for him to no longer live. Either way, I wish he would just get help. I love him so much and it hurts to see how much he hates himself. It also hurts that he is hurting me when all I've ever tried to do is help him, be with him and comfort him. I don't deserve this.
June 3, 2022
Well, I was cheated on and lied to once again. I'm getting really tired of not being anyone's last choice. It seems I've lived my entire adult life being the woman before the woman he definitely wants to spend his life with. Thomas left me, and after, he found a woman and proposed to her just 2 years after they began dating. It took him 8 to propose to me. Paul wasn't romantic with me at all. So I broke up with him, because I knew he had the ability, he just didn't want to. And he would never compromise. It was always his way or no way at all. He is married now.
And now, there's Nathan. I suppose he's been looking for a way out for a long time. So he decided to cheat on me while I was in the hospital, with a woman whom he'd told me was a lesbian. But according to his friend, Matt, they actually cuddled and he had her over sometimes to spend time with him and the guys. You know, instead of me, his alleged girlfriend? Then, he left me when I came back from the hospital. And he came back to me and apparently didn't exactly know what he wanted. He's been telling some other woman that he wants to meet up and fuck and I don't share whether you're a fuck buddy or a significant other. He thought I didn't want him talking to her anymore, so he blocked her on Facebook but not Snapchat and continued talking to her there. I found her on Snapchat and let her know where his dick has been and we nearly went out for coffee but apparently she was too fucked up to give me her address. I told Nathan I would see him when he feels like I'm worth seeing. He hasn't been in the same room with me since Wednesday. It's Friday night now.
Uncoincidentally, the woman he's been telling these things to is the same woman he claimed got drunk and fell asleep on his couch with her underwear on. When I was talking to her, she told me the real story. He invited her over and they both got drunk. He was trying to fuck and he gave her a massage. Then he fell asleep without fucking her. She did not know about me.
Part of me feels he's being this sloppy about lying on purpose. Part of me thinks he's trying to sabotage himself so that he doesn't have to go through the hard part with me. I feel maybe he can't commit because whenever something bad happens, he just leaves the situation instead of trying to resolve it or make it better. I also question if it's just easier for him to believe I hate him so that he can feel no regret or guilt when he commits suicide. That possibly, he's trying to burn all his bridges so that it will be easier for him to no longer live. Either way, I wish he would just get help. I love him so much and it hurts to see how much he hates himself. It also hurts that he is hurting me when all I've ever tried to do is help him, be with him and comfort him. I don't deserve this.