Post by Leels on Jun 24, 2021 21:53:05 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
June 24, 2021
I've never felt this way about anyone before in my entire life. Nathan and I are certainly on a path like no other and there's no way I'm going to leave this trail any time soon. We talked about babies again... it's been brought up so many times this year it's almost unbearable. It almost makes me want to get pregnant right away. But, I can't. Not yet. There are some changes that need to be made before that big decision. For one, he needs to quit being scared and meet my dad. I know I've told him my dad's a republican asshole but that doesn't waive him from meeting the guy. After all, we're relatively close. I definitely don't tell him everything because, well, he's dad and he's married to Cathy. But, I try to spend time with him whenever I think it's not suspicious to be spending time with him. Also his apple pies are bae and shall not leave this family.
Part of me wants to marry Nathan before we have children. But if one happens before the other, that's not surprising. After all, we did do the physical stuff before we began doing the emotional stuff and the talking and bonding. This relationship is like none I've ever had before. I've gone through so many twists and turns with this man and never once thought about getting off this ride. I love him. Old women all the time say that when you find the one, you just know. And on our first date, I don't think he knew. But I knew. Somehow, I knew. And I kept that to myself for a very long time as not to frighten him.
Today, I finally told him just how much I think of his children that already exist. I told him it's fucked up that I spend a lot of time thinking about three boys I've never met and that I'm afraid that if they do decide to contact him after they've grown, that they'll hate me because I got the chance to grow with him and they did not. I told him I get scenarios in my head all the time about what would happen if we got pregnant. I said that the analogies typically pop into my head when I'm feeling nauseous. And he told me he thinks of having a family with me every day. Every day he says he runs through possibilities of me texting him, saying I need to talk to him, telling him I'm pregnant. Every. Single. Day. It's like an obsession both of us have in our heads and I don't know what it's going to bring. I have never had this kind of interaction with any other man. It's become so much that I'm not sure if it's some sort of sick fantasy that both of us have or if it's just a huge desire to be that intimate with him. To have a person inside of me that is half him.
When we were talking about this, he asked me if he was crazy for thinking about this so much... but when I told him everything, he said, "I love you." I told him how I was even thinking about our possible future when I was ghost hunting in Branch. How we went into that abandoned house and I stole baby clothes from there. I told him that I have two names in mind just in case. That I've been holding onto the boy's name for quite some time and that I've just recently come up with the girl's name. Just, "I love you." Nothing more on the conversation, "I love you." No input. No argument. No agreement. "I love you." This man is insane and I am madly in love with him.
June 24, 2021
I've never felt this way about anyone before in my entire life. Nathan and I are certainly on a path like no other and there's no way I'm going to leave this trail any time soon. We talked about babies again... it's been brought up so many times this year it's almost unbearable. It almost makes me want to get pregnant right away. But, I can't. Not yet. There are some changes that need to be made before that big decision. For one, he needs to quit being scared and meet my dad. I know I've told him my dad's a republican asshole but that doesn't waive him from meeting the guy. After all, we're relatively close. I definitely don't tell him everything because, well, he's dad and he's married to Cathy. But, I try to spend time with him whenever I think it's not suspicious to be spending time with him. Also his apple pies are bae and shall not leave this family.
Part of me wants to marry Nathan before we have children. But if one happens before the other, that's not surprising. After all, we did do the physical stuff before we began doing the emotional stuff and the talking and bonding. This relationship is like none I've ever had before. I've gone through so many twists and turns with this man and never once thought about getting off this ride. I love him. Old women all the time say that when you find the one, you just know. And on our first date, I don't think he knew. But I knew. Somehow, I knew. And I kept that to myself for a very long time as not to frighten him.
Today, I finally told him just how much I think of his children that already exist. I told him it's fucked up that I spend a lot of time thinking about three boys I've never met and that I'm afraid that if they do decide to contact him after they've grown, that they'll hate me because I got the chance to grow with him and they did not. I told him I get scenarios in my head all the time about what would happen if we got pregnant. I said that the analogies typically pop into my head when I'm feeling nauseous. And he told me he thinks of having a family with me every day. Every day he says he runs through possibilities of me texting him, saying I need to talk to him, telling him I'm pregnant. Every. Single. Day. It's like an obsession both of us have in our heads and I don't know what it's going to bring. I have never had this kind of interaction with any other man. It's become so much that I'm not sure if it's some sort of sick fantasy that both of us have or if it's just a huge desire to be that intimate with him. To have a person inside of me that is half him.
When we were talking about this, he asked me if he was crazy for thinking about this so much... but when I told him everything, he said, "I love you." I told him how I was even thinking about our possible future when I was ghost hunting in Branch. How we went into that abandoned house and I stole baby clothes from there. I told him that I have two names in mind just in case. That I've been holding onto the boy's name for quite some time and that I've just recently come up with the girl's name. Just, "I love you." Nothing more on the conversation, "I love you." No input. No argument. No agreement. "I love you." This man is insane and I am madly in love with him.