Post by Leels on Mar 7, 2021 21:25:30 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
March 7, 2021
Thomas and I have been sharing a lot of feelings together lately and it's been really difficult for me not to explain to him how much I still deeply love him inside. And today, I just broke. I admitted it to him. I admitted that it's very hard for me not to just kiss him and run far far away from here and start a family together in a house where none of our family knows where we are. I couldn't tell him in person. I had to wait until I got home because I don't know what would happen if I were to have told him all of this to his face. Would he pull me into a kiss that I would indefinitely regret? Would I defile my relationship with Nathan and kiss him first? I'd like to think not but it's unfortunately possible.
I told him that the only thing that's been holding me back from being with him is the fact that I have changed and that I'm not the same person anymore. Where, the old me would have dropped everything the moment I saw him and just decide to be with him. And now... now I have different dreams and have realized I need to put myself first before anybody else. I need to be the first person that I think about in the morning and the last person that I worry about when going to bed at night.
I feel incredibly stupid letting him know all my feelings. I really hope he doesn't use them to his advantage. He unfortunately is the only one that knows me inside and out, backwards and forwards, up and down. All my ticks. All my tocks. Every knob, button and switch. No one can compare to how much he knows me and I both hate it and love it at the same time. A lot hasn't changed. But my mentality has indeed changed.
At any rate, I can't live like this. I can't be with Thomas. Not like the way he is. And I can't bear the thought of ripping Nathan away after all these years he's been here with me. Through the rehab center twice. Through his first withdrawal night. Through him losing his job that he loved ever so much because he could work as many hours as he wanted and they wouldn't give a shit how much he was raking in each week. I've loved him through all of his depression. Through every, "Why would you like me? You're out of your mind." And he loves me. He won't tell me that. But he shows me every time I see him. Actions speak so much louder than words. I cannot leave him. He is a good man and I deserve only the best.
March 7, 2021
Thomas and I have been sharing a lot of feelings together lately and it's been really difficult for me not to explain to him how much I still deeply love him inside. And today, I just broke. I admitted it to him. I admitted that it's very hard for me not to just kiss him and run far far away from here and start a family together in a house where none of our family knows where we are. I couldn't tell him in person. I had to wait until I got home because I don't know what would happen if I were to have told him all of this to his face. Would he pull me into a kiss that I would indefinitely regret? Would I defile my relationship with Nathan and kiss him first? I'd like to think not but it's unfortunately possible.
I told him that the only thing that's been holding me back from being with him is the fact that I have changed and that I'm not the same person anymore. Where, the old me would have dropped everything the moment I saw him and just decide to be with him. And now... now I have different dreams and have realized I need to put myself first before anybody else. I need to be the first person that I think about in the morning and the last person that I worry about when going to bed at night.
I feel incredibly stupid letting him know all my feelings. I really hope he doesn't use them to his advantage. He unfortunately is the only one that knows me inside and out, backwards and forwards, up and down. All my ticks. All my tocks. Every knob, button and switch. No one can compare to how much he knows me and I both hate it and love it at the same time. A lot hasn't changed. But my mentality has indeed changed.
At any rate, I can't live like this. I can't be with Thomas. Not like the way he is. And I can't bear the thought of ripping Nathan away after all these years he's been here with me. Through the rehab center twice. Through his first withdrawal night. Through him losing his job that he loved ever so much because he could work as many hours as he wanted and they wouldn't give a shit how much he was raking in each week. I've loved him through all of his depression. Through every, "Why would you like me? You're out of your mind." And he loves me. He won't tell me that. But he shows me every time I see him. Actions speak so much louder than words. I cannot leave him. He is a good man and I deserve only the best.