Post by Leels on Feb 13, 2021 20:30:41 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
February 13, 2021
I've decided to put myself in a very painful situation. Unfortunately, it is the only way I can possibly heal. I've decided to start hanging out with Thomas again. He's back in town and he's freshly broken up with his 2nd ex-fiance, Angelica. It has proven to be dangerous for me to do this. So... I'm being as careful as I possibly can be. I went out to dinner with him on Thursday and it was incredibly awkward. Both of us tried to avoid eye contact. I was really nervous talking to him. At one point, everything around me started disappearing and I was losing control in regards to knowing where I was at. He and I have been keeping tabs on each other about how one another feel with certain things. I think that's for the best so that we know how to go about things in a way we're both comfortable. I am trying my best to not make him fall for me again. But for some reason, part of me wants him to fall for me. And I know that part of me wants to run away with him. Alas, that is the worst idea ever and I cannot do that. He is toxic. I know that. And I cannot be with him.
Today, I took him out to coffee and we went back to his house and watched random shit on Youtube. Just like old times. I met D'mhari again after being away for 5 years and noticed he's lost a lot of weight and is actually a bit attractive now. Wow. It was really easy to deal with the fact that I was around Thomas when D'mhari was there - it was like a buffer. But then he left because he had his girlfriend in the car with him. So, I was stuck with Thomas all alone again. We behaved, thankfully. But. I looked him in the eyes a few times while he was talking to me and saw the same look I am familiar with. Serious old-school love. Hard to ignore. When I left, he offered me a half-hug. But I gave him a full hug, squeezed him and my body didn't want to let him go. Somehow something clicked in my head and unbuckled my arms from him quickly. I had no control. My mind said be be careful and moderate but my body didn't listen and full on EXPLAINED TO HIM IN DEPTH THAT I STILL LOVE HIM. FUCK. I apologized. I didn't mean for my hug to be so overbearing that he almost lost his balance.
It was a lot easier to handle being around Thomas today than it was the very first time I saw him. Probably because I had just freshly dropped off Nathan at his job and was only thinking of him.That is a key element that indicates I've grown. But speaking of Nathan, I have yet to tell him that I am doing this. He knows that Thomas is a bad memory of mine and it's been requested of him to wake me up if I start saying his name in the middle of the night because that indicates a bad dream. I don't know how Nathan would react if I'd told him I have decided to start hanging around my ex-fiance. In my opinion, if I were in his shoes and had been told that, I would be thinking it sounds sus and would also be feeling like I'm being cheated on and like I'm not good enough. I don't ever want him to feel that way but, I also know that I really need to completely heal from what Thomas has done to me. And the only way for me to do that is to be around him and stop pretending like he doesn't exist and never cared about me. I hope to keep a diary on my successes and growth of being around Thomas and hope to eventually see my goal complete. My goal is to be satisfied with where Thomas and I have been and where we have ended up.
February 13, 2021
I've decided to put myself in a very painful situation. Unfortunately, it is the only way I can possibly heal. I've decided to start hanging out with Thomas again. He's back in town and he's freshly broken up with his 2nd ex-fiance, Angelica. It has proven to be dangerous for me to do this. So... I'm being as careful as I possibly can be. I went out to dinner with him on Thursday and it was incredibly awkward. Both of us tried to avoid eye contact. I was really nervous talking to him. At one point, everything around me started disappearing and I was losing control in regards to knowing where I was at. He and I have been keeping tabs on each other about how one another feel with certain things. I think that's for the best so that we know how to go about things in a way we're both comfortable. I am trying my best to not make him fall for me again. But for some reason, part of me wants him to fall for me. And I know that part of me wants to run away with him. Alas, that is the worst idea ever and I cannot do that. He is toxic. I know that. And I cannot be with him.
Today, I took him out to coffee and we went back to his house and watched random shit on Youtube. Just like old times. I met D'mhari again after being away for 5 years and noticed he's lost a lot of weight and is actually a bit attractive now. Wow. It was really easy to deal with the fact that I was around Thomas when D'mhari was there - it was like a buffer. But then he left because he had his girlfriend in the car with him. So, I was stuck with Thomas all alone again. We behaved, thankfully. But. I looked him in the eyes a few times while he was talking to me and saw the same look I am familiar with. Serious old-school love. Hard to ignore. When I left, he offered me a half-hug. But I gave him a full hug, squeezed him and my body didn't want to let him go. Somehow something clicked in my head and unbuckled my arms from him quickly. I had no control. My mind said be be careful and moderate but my body didn't listen and full on EXPLAINED TO HIM IN DEPTH THAT I STILL LOVE HIM. FUCK. I apologized. I didn't mean for my hug to be so overbearing that he almost lost his balance.
It was a lot easier to handle being around Thomas today than it was the very first time I saw him. Probably because I had just freshly dropped off Nathan at his job and was only thinking of him.That is a key element that indicates I've grown. But speaking of Nathan, I have yet to tell him that I am doing this. He knows that Thomas is a bad memory of mine and it's been requested of him to wake me up if I start saying his name in the middle of the night because that indicates a bad dream. I don't know how Nathan would react if I'd told him I have decided to start hanging around my ex-fiance. In my opinion, if I were in his shoes and had been told that, I would be thinking it sounds sus and would also be feeling like I'm being cheated on and like I'm not good enough. I don't ever want him to feel that way but, I also know that I really need to completely heal from what Thomas has done to me. And the only way for me to do that is to be around him and stop pretending like he doesn't exist and never cared about me. I hope to keep a diary on my successes and growth of being around Thomas and hope to eventually see my goal complete. My goal is to be satisfied with where Thomas and I have been and where we have ended up.
And Jesus Christ I'm not even thinking about kissing him. That boy has some SERIOUS mouth issues. His teeth look like they've been crying for mercy for the past thousand years.